Monday, March 22, 2010

Tiger's Sextionary

Tiger Woods' Return

The world will be watching Tiger Woods tee off for the first time since his scandalous affairs.

Officials of the PGA will be chomping at the bits as the upcoming 2010 Masters Tournament gets underway at the Augusta National golf course. Live coverage of the event will begin April 8 and will run through the 11th. They are expecting record viewer interest this year. Viewership will not be limited to those who are predisposed with an interest in the sport of golf, quite the contrary, people who never watch golf are expected to tune in in droves.

You can bet that Elin, Woods' wife, will not be watching. She certainly will not be attending the event. It's a shame that the TV network did not follow in the footsteps of Woods' former endorsers and refuse to televise the event. Alas, money is money, and BIG money rules!

I overheard two women talking about the Masters. They were going to watch because they wanted to see if any of Tiger's former mistresses will be in the galleries and if they will interviewed. I hate to see them disappointed, but the straight-laced officials at Augusta National would not even let those women within a mile of the place. Any one in the gallery who decides to heckle Woods will be promptly removed. People with signs will similarly be escorted off the premises.

As if Tiger's troubles weren't bad enough, another piece of damning information is about to be revealed to the world. It seems that in addition to his famous personal Black Book, he even carried a dictionary around with him. However, calling it a dictionary is a misnomer. Myself, I would label it a Sextionary. Its cover bears the title "Kama Sextra."

Not only is it a dictionary of sex-related terminology, but all of the entries are made-up words containing the letters s-e-x. It would appear that he liked to create his own lexicography to describe his sexual experiences and encounters. Since it's old news that he has had a lot of experiences and a lot of encounters, it should not come as a surprise just how large of a vocabulary he possessed.

I have to admit that my spell-checker not only went crazy while I was typing in some of the excerpts, but it threatened to go on strike!

Tiger's Sextionary

dysexic - calling Marie Mary while doing it

sexaggerate - to stretch the truth about the sex to friends
sexalt - to praise sex partner, whether true or not
sexam - check up after sex to be safe
Sexcalibur - what I call mine
sexcavate - to really dig in

sexcel - to give or get great sex
sexcentric - prone to strange sex practices
sexcess - a lot of sex
sexchange rate - the going price
sexcise - tax on sex, especially in Nevada

sexclusion - deleted a name from Black Book
sexcommunicated - told by a girl she doesn't want to see me again
sex crime - being shut off, denied sex
sexcrutiating - discomfort felt in car, on table, on floor
sexcursion - out cruising for babes

sexcuse - made up reason for inability to perform
sexecute - to perform
sexercise - a workout, especially push ups
sexertion - energy spent performing
sexhaustion - spent, tired or sleepy after sex

sexhibit - to display what I've got and what they'll want
sexile - banished from the bedroom
sexistence - living for sex
sexit - to pull out
Sexodus - time to leave, go home

sexogamy - having many sexual partners (yeah!)
sexonerate - to make up for previous poor performance
sexorbitant - having too much sex (Hah!)
sexorcism - what they tried to do to me at that clinic
sexotica - xxx porn movies

sexpectations - looking forward to having sex
sexpense - cash outlay to have sex
sexperiment - try different things
sexpertise - skill in the sack
sexplanation - story to tell wife why you were late

sexpletives - dirty words used during the act
sexploration - feeling, touching a woman's body, foreplay
sexplosion - release, climax
sexport - a call girl sent to meet you
sexpurgated - removed name from Black Book

sex-rays - undressing woman with my eyes
sexretary - she does more than answer phones and take dictation
sextortion - to threaten to tell using pictures, videos
sextraterrestrial - having sex with the green woman on Star Trek
sextravagance - spending money on woman before she'll have sex

sextreme - wild, wild sex
sextrovert - one who is outwardly open about sex
sexty-nine - sex with three or more women
sexude - to climax
sexurbs - places outside of city to find sex

trisexual - willing to try anything

Yes, his golf bag is packed and he's ready to putter.


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3 comments:

Nankin said...

All I can say is, "Who cares?" I guess it's the price you pay to be a celebrity. I was married to someone like Tiger and he never made the news.

Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahaha. Hey, your out there and if you don't protect yourself (no pun intended) you become the brunt of all kinds of jokes. He'll never live this down.

Have a terrific day. :)

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