Techno Slaves

I am proud to say that I am no Techno Slave!

Aarrghh! That damned thing has character limitations! No 1der they use all those crazy abbreviations and misspelled language! I even heard a girl say out loud "LOL!" when a friend told her something she thought was funny!

As I plug my cell phone and blue tooth receiver into their respective rechargers, I am left wondering 'What did everyone do before these devices were invented?'

You can't go anywhere without seeing someone with a cellphone pressed against the side of their heads. I wonder if they even appreciate the technology of the things, or do they just take them for granted. Take for example, the woman in the following:

The Anniversary Gift
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde fiance something nice for their first anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the features on the phone.

The next day, the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi honey", he says "how do you like your new phone?"

And she replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".

"What's that, baby?," asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at WalMart?"

I mean, these cellphones are everywhere! It seems that people can't even walk without talking on one. I see them walking up and down the aisles of department and grocery stores, one hand holding one to their ears and the other pushing a shopping cart.

Yes, I'm glad I'm not a Techno Slave. My life does not center around those technological marvels ...

Aarrghh! Excuse me, I think I'm losing my WiFi connection ... Now what am I going to do ... Aarrghh!

...Ah. The signal is back ... but it seems to be weaker ...

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the omnipresent cellphone! Walking with a cellphone is one thing - but driving? Tell me, what is so damned important that people think they have to have a cellphone plastered to their ears while they are operating a vehicle?

Don't they realize how dangerous it is? Do they have death wishes? Are they suicidal?

Aarrghh! Damn! That asshole just pulled out of that street right in front of me! I had to slam on the brakes so hard my laptop slid onto the floorboard!

That's what I'm talking about! That driver was so busy talking on her cellphone she almost caused an accident. I hope I didn't lose the blog post I was working on ...

That reminds me of another near accident a friend once texted to me:

Woman Driver
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic.

Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

Aarrghh! I lost the WiFi signal again. Uh-oh! The laptop's battery just went dead! I guess I'll have to finish this blog posting the old fashioned way - at home on the desk top.

Yes, I'm so thankful I'm not one of those mindless Techno Slaves!

I've come to the conclusion that these devices are part of a conspiracy to turn us all into mindless minions. They are everywhere! They are even cropping up in the third world countries. Even those people are sticking out their necks to embrace the technological revolution. What need do they have for these things, anyway?

"Mom, this is Mutumbo. Mutumbo, your son! I am tracking a herd of gazelle. Get some wood and stoke up a fire. We are eating good tonight!"

Then again, I read that it was a tribesman who invented the first hands-free device. Think about it ... How could one bring down a gazelle with a cellphone in one's hand?

Picture Mutumbo, the great hunter stealthily creeping upon an unsuspecting herd of grazing gazelles. He hefts his deadly spear ... beedle-beedle ... when his cellphone suddenly rings! Within seconds the startled herd is gone ... stampeding off into the jungle.

"Mutumbo, this is mom. Your mother! I just called you back to tell you I'm inviting the chief and his family over for supper."

As miraculous as all this technology can be, it isn't for everyone. (Just ask Mutumbo.)

These cellphones can do everything but wash the dishes and do the laundry. ( At least, I don't think they do.)

They've not only built cameras and videocams into them, now you can even watch movies on them! Hmmm ... never mind the small screen, just what does a 2-hour movie do to one's minutes? If I use up the minutes on my cell phone, it goes dead! It stays dead until I upload some money to the carrier. Imagine watching a movie during the exciting climax ... and the phone shuts down!

Another thing about cellphones ... they are easy to misplace or lose. There can be an awful lot of personal information on them if someone else finds them. (Just ask Tiger Woods!)

..beedle-beedle .. Uh, excuse me. My cell phone.

"Mike, this Jean. Jean your wife! Could you pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on your way home?"

Like I said before, I'm not a Techno Slave, but at least I didn't have to walk into the house only to turn around and go back out to the store. Hmmm ... only three bucks on me. I guess I'll have to stop at the nearest ATM to get some scratch. Wait, I've got a better idea. To save some time I'll use my cellphone to transfer some money from savings into checking. That way I can use my debit card at the register in the grocery store.

I swear, some people think they cannot live without a cellphone. Their entire lives revolve around the things!

The next thing you know, people will be buried with them! Perhaps they think if they register their cellphone numbers with the Psychic Hot Line their loved ones can give them a call after they're gone.

"Mike, this Dionne Warwick. Yes that Dionne Warwick. Your wife wants to know where you left the garage keys. "

"Your wife says she's sorry it's so hot where you are, but no, UPS cannot deliver water to that address."

So, I go to store, pick up the milk and bread, pay for it with my debit card and head for the door. The checkout clerk calls out to me, "Sir, you're cellphone. You set it down and forgot it."

See what I mean about those things being easy to misplace or lose? That reminds me of an incident that happened at an exclusive country club:

Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I'm at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500."

"Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much."

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000!"

"Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000, OK?"

"Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and asks aloud, "Does anyone know to whom this phone belongs?"

Don't you hate being in public and hearing somebody's conversation on their cell phone? Don't you wish they'd be more discreet?

I mean, do we really want to hear their private conversations?

"No, sweetheart, I can't see you tonight. It's our anniversary. The wife made reservations at a fancy restaurant."

"What's that? You're wearing nothing? You're touching yourself where?"

"I'll tell my wife something came up at the office."

If you ask me, I think something came up while he was talking on the phone!

If I was a Techno Slave, I think I would get me one of those Cellphone Jammers!

Well, as I wrap up this post I want to remind everyone of Daylight Savings Time. Did you remember to turn your clocks ahead one hour?

I didn't have to reset the time on my computer, cellphone or my cable box. They reset by themselves! I might not be a Techno Slave, but that doesn't mean I can't reap the benefits. I'm not a Technophobe. Isn't technology wonderful?

A closing thought:

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.95 a minute.

№ 1935