Wednesday, March 31, 2010

With 'Em or Without 'Em

I'm just a typical male, your everyday Average Joe. If I had a dollar bill for every time I've tried to figure out women and failed, I'd be a wealthy man.

Then again, if I had all that dough some dame would've convinced to me to have spent it on her. I guess that brings me back to square one.

I can't figure them out. For example, take this lady:

~~Peeping Tom~~

"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her," said George.

"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his friend.

"No, that's not what made her the maddest," the husband chuckled.

"It's not?" asked the friend.

"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains!"
Then there was this gal:

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells," You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
Women ! Who can figure 'em out ?
~~The Gift~~

Like the time that the kids were grown up and gone, my ex-wife once said to me that she needed more "outside interests".

One day, I thought I'd surprise her and presented her with a brand new fancy lawn mower on her birthday.

She about hit the roof and went into a fit!
I've come to he conclusion that the only way you use the words 'women' and 'figure' in the same sentence is when you are referring to the shapes of their bodies!

Consider my next door neighbors:
~~Lost in Translation~~

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

~ (Borrowed from Phils Phun . )
I think part of the problem is that half the time men don't understand what women are saying. Case in point, read what happened to this poor guy:
~~Road Courtesy~~

A woman was driving on the road and a man was driving in the opposite direction on that same road.

When they passed each other, the woman rolled down her window and shouted, "PIG!"

Immediately the man shouted back, "BITCH !"

The man laughed because he was happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman, and took the turn in the road with high speed.

The man was killed by a pig smashing into his windshield.
I blame my problems of not understanding women on my mother. It was all because one incident:
Open Wide

I was just a little boy when I went shopping with my mother and was waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for her to come out. While waiting, I got bored, and just when she came walking out, she saw me sliding my hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouted. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

I quickly snatched my hand away and thanked my lucky stars I didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, I grew up believing all women had teeth between their legs. When I was 16, I had my first girlfriend. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invited me over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she said, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she said, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO," I cried, "you got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responded, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," I countered, "my Mom told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insisted. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulled down her pants and gave him a little peek.

"No, I'm sorry," I said. "My Mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cried. She whipped off her panties, threw her legs behind her head and said, "LOOK, I DON"T have any teeth down there."

I took a good long look and replied," Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
Needless to say, the relationship with that gal didn't last too long.

I guess if I had to put it in simple terms it would be something like this:
To be happy with a man, a woman must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, a man should love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahaha. I can see your problem here. Bwahahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

Hale McKay said...


If I'm figuring you out okay, I'd say you like this post.