Orange Ya Wishin' Ya Skipped This One?

With the aid of my whimsical alter ego, Cletus Clyde, I am able to regress into the persona of my bygone Appalachian childhood.

The creative juices haven't been flowing lately. Writer's block? I am reminded of a quote by the short story author Isaac B. Singer:

The wastepaper basket is the writer's best friend.

Alas, as of late, my wastepaper basket has been the delete key.

Perhaps Cletus, in his own subtle way, can come up with something. Without any further adieu, here is that redoubtable Hillbilly with his wizadry of the spoken word.

Iffin the truth be told, I dun thunk old Hale is jest bein' lazier than my ol' hound dog on a hot day. He's been a-parkin' his butt on that Lazy Boy of hizzin and watchin' them cable channels. Fer sure he's been a-scratchin' sumthin' on that stenuggeters pad, but tain't none of it made it to this here blog.

What wuz that word he used up yonder? Redoubtable? I ain't none too sure what that is when definitionated, but I think I mebbe shud be insulted. Iffin' I wuz to guess, I think it means I should be doubted again, over and over.

Here in West Virginnie we don't go 'round tryin' to show off usin' them big words. Iffin' I gotta look sumthin' up in the dickshunary it is a waste of valuable goofin' off time. Sides, my dickshunary is holdin' up the broken leg of our kitchen table.

I been a-tryin' to tell Hale to stop watchin' all them channels what talk 'bout history and science and such. He can't get no fresh ideas frum them coz it's old stuff what happen a-fore he wuz borned. He don't take kindly to advice neither.

I told him he should watch some of them adult channels like Playboy or Spice iffin' he wants to get inspired. But no, he's too cheap. He said he's gotta pay 'bout $15 for a four-hour block of them channels. I said to him,"Hell, you ain't gonna be watchin' it everyday."

So I guess I'll tell you readers and him 'bout the time I wuz havin' a certain problem that wuz affectin' my relations wiffin' my wife. I finally went to see my doctor.

The doctor said, "Whut seems to be the problem, Cletus?"

~~I said to him, "Doc Baker," coz you see Baker wuz his name and he didn't work in a donut shop coz he wuz a doctor. Anyways, I said to him, "Doc Baker, my wife won't have sex wiffin' me."

"Why is that?" the Doc asked.

"Well, Doc, it's kind of embarassin' like," I said all nervous. "It's my tallywhacker ... it dun turned all orange."

"What? 'Tain't possible. I'd better have a look at it."

So's I pulled my bib overalls down and dropped my draws to my knees.

I tell ya his eyeballs 'bout popped out the sockets and he said, "Well iffin that don't beat everything I ever laid my eyes on..."

"Whut is it, Doc?" I asked him.

I think he wuz a-bein' smart-alecky when he said, "It's a orange tallywhacker."

"I knows that! Do ya think it's a communicatin' disease?"

"I don't rightly know fer sure. Ya been a-puttin' it where it don't belong?"

I was kinda mad coz I thought he wuz bein' suhfishous, "Iffin you mean one of them sheeps - no way wuz I a-messin' with Daisy."

"Cletus, I ain't a-talkin' animals. I mean one of them gals up in the hills."

"I ain't been wiffin no gals neither, Doc ... at least not since last week. This jest been a-happenin' the last two days."

He shook his head and said, "So, what have you been up to the last two days. Tallywhackers just don't get all orange by themselves."

"Well," I said a wavin' it, "mine sure enuff did. And I ain't been nowhere but in the house."

"Okay," he said a-rubbin' his chin. "Tell me whut ya wuz a doin' whilst ya wuz in the house."

"Well, all I wuz a doin' wuz a-watchin' them xxx-rated movies on satellite and a -munchin' on Cheet-os."

There you have it. That's whut transpired 'tween me and Doc baker. Oh yeah, he gave me a scriptshun and durned iffin' it didn't clear up the problem.

Betcha ain't 'bout to guess whut medicine he gave me?


LARD!
Yup! Yer eyeballs ain't a-playin' tricks on ya. LARD!

I'm a gonna letcha in on a secret whut we hill folks been knowin' fer a long time. 'Tain't no better stuff on the planet Erf than lard. It's a magic stuff. They's nuffin' that beats a tub o' lard when it comes be useful.

Yessiree, it dun cleared up my orange tallywhacker lickety-split!

Wait 'til you take a good gander at the list what follows below. It's sum of the things what lard can be used fer.


Just look at this list of uses:

Lip Gloss

Hair Conditioner and Dressing

Facial Moisturizer

Shaving Cream

Make-up Remover

Deodorant—a fragrance that is pleasing to both man and beast!

Laxative

Shoe Polish

Hand and Body Cream

Personal lubricant
(why do you think they call it “makin’ bacon”! Sooeee!!)

Suntan lotion

Ointment for wounds and burns

All purpose seasoning

Dog training aid

Ain’t nothing whut can’t be helped with a spoonful or two of pure lard.

Well iffin' you'll excuse me, I'm a gonna sign off fer now. Mebbe Ol' Hale will get inspired so as not be botherin' me to come to his rescue anyways soon.

I'm a gonna go do some "snipe hunting."

And later, I think I'll take Daisy out to watch some "submarine races." (Wink-wink!)

№ 1982