Sunday, August 21, 2005

What's On The Hoss Channel?


The latest buzz around the blogosphere is the new cable offering, Old Hoss Channel. It's much ballyhooed launch date is fast approaching. The brains behind the new channel has hinted at the possible programming we may see, but he has not offered any concrete schedule.
....The Pointmeister has called in some favors, and here for the first time anywhere is a synopsis of the programs that will be aired opening night.

6PM- Bullshit The Nation: A provocative slant on American politics. A frank and honest question and answer hour as the host, Old Hoss himself, pulls no punches as he interviews in depth prominent political personalities.



7PM- The Secret Life of the Dung Beetle: What do these janitors of the desert do after work? An intriguing look at these marvelous creatures, as the Old Hoss cameras follow them after a day of harvesting dung. Old Hoss gives the straight poop on this little known aspect of Mother Nature. He could not keep his promise that there would be no bullshit in this soon-to-be classic.


8PM- Nude Beaches of America: Old Hoss follows those who worship the sun wearing only a tan. Closeup interviews with several nudists as they frolic unashamed. Will Old Hoss bare it all and cavort with the natives at Horsetail Beach? One question on the mind of the viewers will be answered: With all that nudity, is there ever any hanky-panky? It must be hard to avoid getting a little excited.


9PM- Evolution: Where Do We Go From Here: Through the eons life has adapted to its ever changing environment. Life began in the sea, until that dramatic moment in time that a daring creature crawled onto land for the first time. Through the millennia life has taken on many shapes and sizes. Old Hoss gives us an unabashed look at where we came from and where we are headed. Will we crawl back into the sea that gave us birth? Or does evolution have another grand design that will take us to a higher plane of existence? Or have we already reached the zenith of our development? Old Hoss discusses the possibility that perhaps man is on the threshold of taking a step aside as another creature rises to the top? Could insects rule the world next? Could a common grub one day become President?

10PM- Michael Jackson: His Latest Operation: In an exclusive interview Jacko explains why he finally took that final step to complete his own personal evolution. His opening remark to Old Hoss makes this scathing one-on-one program must-see-TV! Jackson: Do you think I'm showing too much cleavage? Old Hoss: I didn't notice. When asked if he would be changing his name, Jackson said, "Yes. I was also fond of Bambi." Mark your calendars, this is one interview that Larry King and Barbara Walters wanted. You don't want to miss this one.

11PM- New Terrorism Statue: Controversy: Be among the first to witness the unveiling of this controversial statue dedicated to America's fight against terrorism. See an angry Osama bin Laden tell of his torture while posing for the statue. It was not what he expected when he asked his captors to set up an appointment at the Proctology Institute. One can almost feel sorry for him as he relates of his inability to sit for a week. Nah!! Old Hoss had to ask, "Why'd they use such a skinny flagpole?" An anonymous General reports that the model for the statue was to have originally been Sadam Hussein, but it was discovered that he actually enjoyed the session. "Now we couldn't have a smiling statue, could we?" said the General.
...."That's one kick-ass statue," says Old Hoss. "It is rumored that Preparation H paid a hefty $1,000,000 to sponsor the statue," he adds. Old Hoss relates the story of how our forces once had Osama captured. After getting flag-f**ked, the U.S. troops were ordered to let him go. Old Hoss tells us that ever since, Osama has remained hidden in his cave in Afghanistan. "That's one A-rab that's not only afraid to show his face, but is more afraid to show his ass!"

This has been an exclusive preview of the up-coming The Old Hoss Channel. Watch your TV listings for further details.
-The Pointmeister

No.299

3 comments:

schnoodlepooh said...

OMG! This is too hilarious. I hope Hoss is coming by to check this out. This programming is fantastic! It's perfect for the Hoss Channel. I just know that Hoss TV is going to make his pile! You're really on to something big here.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Geez I wish I had a sense of humor, then I could enjoy this stuff.

(Great work, Mike. Fine programs, super art. I wish my mind worked like this.)

(P.S. I also liked your soap on a rope story: "...pointing where it fell." Hah!)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

This seems like a great channel. I love the programming.