Sunday, November 20, 2005
The challenge has been declared. The pressure has been applied. I have to step up to the plate. The gauntlet has been laid before me. I need to answer the bell, go with the flow, get with the program, and above all I must ... Punt!
....Although paraphrased, the question was asked, "What would happen if we were to blog while drunk?" That was the challenge evoked by "Let's Make a Deal Monty !
....I must admit it is indeed a compelling idea. In fact, she turned in a journeyman effort worthy of a gold medal. She has set the bar high right out of the gate. It's not going to be easy to top a Full Monty.
....I am sure there have been those under the influence who attempted to be creative at one time or another, but that was a direct result of the drinking - a by-product. Now to actually plan to get drunk while blogging and to capture the evolving stages from sobriety to a stupor, is a challenge that cannot be ignored by this blogger.
....I'm afraid I'll have to tackle this with a significant handicap. Before anyone cries foul, a handicap such as the one I am employing is by no means an advantage. For you see, I won't be inebriated, in fact I won't even be drinking! Hear me out, please. I no longer drink alcoholic beverages, and with only a triad of exceptions, I have not since July of 1995. (Those exceptions occurred at three recent weddings in the last 18 months, most notable of which saw me walking my daughter down the aisle last month.)
....Thus, I can only draw upon my past experiences. Trust me, there is much from which to draw; there is a considerable body of work and countless brain cells that forfeited their lives for the excess of my carousing. Therein lies the seemingly insurmountable obstacle in my path. I am forced to don the mask of the person I used to be, to devolve myself into a drunk. Slurred speech can only be simulated upon the screen, but the disconnected thoughts of one who has been imbibing are only a few key strokes away.
....I like the way the Romans used to get the attention of the bar tender, "Nunc est bibendum!" Somehow, that sounds more sophisticated than the English translation: "It is time to drink."
...."Whew! That lash one had hair on it! Karbeep, gimme adother nouble."
....You know, drinking can make you think. I have decided that I should upgrade my music library to CD. But, first I gotta upgrade it from 8-Track to cassette.
....Do crazy people insult each other when they say, "Man, you're sane!"
...."Shay babe, my name's Derrick. Howsh 'bout me drilling for shum earl on your personal property?"
....Sometimes I like to quote famous people. How's this one? "I'm taking viagara and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going." -(Rodney Dangerfield) Oh, don't go away, I have another one. "When a man is all wrapped up in himself, it makes for a small package." -(Mike Ditka)
...."Yo Pour Master. Howsh 'bout redreshing my frink!"
....Yep, I sometimes get to thinking about some pretty heady stuff. Have you ever wondered what a rubber hamburger tastes like to your dog? I'll bet if Rover or Fifi could talk, they'd say it tastes just like a rubber chicken.
....To be a successful barfly, ya gotta have some killer pick up lines. You have to be part flipper, er philosopher, part castanets, er Casanova, and at least party sober, I mean partly sober. Then again, party sober works too.
....You gotta be a go-getter early, coz there isn't much to get got at closing time.
...."Z-z-z-z-z-z! Huh? No. No, I washn't shleeping. I was jush contemplating her navel."
...."Uh oh! Will you look who just walked in. Yep, I left with her last night. Honest to goodness I charmed her when I told her I wanted to get into her pants. Later at her place, man oh man was she ever pissed when she caught putting on her panties!"
....You know, ish kinda funny, but when I get a few in me, I shtart to talk like one of my favorite comics - Norm Crosby. Norm is the master of the malaprop. I shumtimes find myself spouting malapropisms. Shince they are drunk too, they usually don't notice.
....Said the pants girl, "That's funny, last night I thought I was going to get a few in me - all I got was a missing pair of panties. I want them back!"
...."Aha! That's why I couldn't find the opening in my drawers all day long."
Anyway, like Norm Crosby, I sometimes use the wrong word when I am drinking. I tend to talk from my diagram and drink decapitated coffee. It makes me consecrate better. When I was on contemporary jurisprudence duty, we were deciding the fate of a man who was pledged of sexually defaulting a woman. When the prostitution arrested its case, he was ventilated. It turns out the woman purchased herself.
....Norm has a good quote too. It goes, "When you go into into court you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
....It isn't long before the malaprops give way to Yogi-isms, like: "Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded." Another one is: "It's deja vu all over again."
Now, if I pretend to write this while I am pretending to be drunk, I will find myself pretending to leave flattering comments on a few choice sites, but in actuality I'll be trying to hit on that blogger.
....Hmm, maybe Monty is still a little tipsy?
You see, when I drink I tend to ramble, become amorous and ready for bed - to sleep, if even alone. Alas, it is usually the latter.
Sign this post: Drunkless In Boston
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 8:30 PM