Saturday, November 19, 2005

Captain Eclectic

This afternoon I was reading Jules' blog about an exclusive entente known as the League of Super Bloggers. (Cues up a cacophonous theme, yet to be written by John Williams; until then you can choose from either "Superman," "Star Wars," or "Raiders of the Lost Ark.") By the time I had finished reading, I was very excited.

So it is, I have decided to throw my tights into the ring. Hey, if nothing else my entrance to retrieve them will be a memorable one! I want to be a Super Blogger too, Jules. I can beg or bribe references from two of the existing members of the LSB: Super Bitch, aka Monty and OBA, dba Old Hoss .

In creating my super alter-ego, I initially tried start with a name and then take it from there. That idea, however, proved to be an onerous task. While I may be a strange being, I am not from a distant planet. None of my friends or enemies have 'L.L.' as their initials.

I have in the past applied for membership, but was rejected by both the Justice League and the Justice Society. My image and powers were not considered representative of the JLA and JSA teams. I was granted an interview with the Mighty Heroes, but they had decided go the same route as Mighty Mouse and be Super Heroes for the children of the world.

The first name that I considered was phonetically similar to another established hero. While the powers of Inspect Her Gadget are very impressive, there would be the risk of confusing the little kids. My Super Power? You could say I was a Pocket Rocket Scientist with the ability to design, modify, improve and repair damaged and malfunctioning vibrators - and I would make home calls 24-7!

Since the exploits of a Super Hero would be covered extensively by the media, the alternative name of Dildo Man would ultimately draw the ire of jealous significant others. Just think of the trouble and anything else I could get into! Not good press for a Super Hero!

In the end, I decided to establish my Super Hero identity based upon my existing powers. My blogs are meant to be so humorous that evil-doers are overcome with laughter and thus easily defeated. While I sometimes post some serious material, my ability to find humor in nearly any subject makes me feel confident that I could live up to the codes of ethic and conduct by which every member of the LSB is sworn to uphold.

Webster defines eclectic as: selected or composed of material from various systems, doctrines or sources. Thus is born Captain Eclectic ! Able to leap over conventional wisdom! Faster than a deleted expletive! ...And who disguised as the mild-mannered Pointmeister, writes comedic versions of truth, justice and the American way!

I even come complete with my Rogues Gallery of villains. There is Whistler's Aunt, sister of she who sat in rocking chairs, who had the despicable power to whistle annoying classical music while eating saltine crackers. Remember, The Thigh-Master, that obese woman who wore satin pants? When walking, her fat satin-clad thighs would generate powerful bolts of electricity. I made her laugh so hard she peed her pants and short circuited. Then there was The Phantom Pooper - what a smelly case that was. I managed to procure some of Monty's "No Shit" and was able to flush him out.

There you have it, Jules! I have bared my ... er ... credentials. (Maybe I should put my tights back on, that is if you wish.) Steps forward and trips over the invisible foot of the Invisible Man, falls forward against OBA causing his modified hospital gown to turn backwards, and falls face first into the lap of Super Bitch. As if to teach me a lesson for being so awkward, she promptly holds me in place. She's trying to force me to give up? Just for spite and to show my strong will, I stubbornly refuse to fight back!

Trust me, if there is any humor to be found there, Captain Eclectic will find it! (Okay, so I am not the most powerful, but man, I sure can make blog!)



jules said...

You are SO in! Course I'm a little drunk and may have to be referered back to this post at a later date!

aka_monty said...

Jules, if I get a vote...I say...can he be my personal sidekick?
We'll be taking a lot of breaks together.

Long Iron said...

I think this went a lot better than you thought it would. Amazing what a little alcohol can do to cause favour to fall on your side. Now, how are you going to stay at the top? Congratulations on your new status!

jules said...

Anything you want Monty. Gotta keep my business partner happy!
I put an addendum to the LSB post adding him.

schnoodlepooh said...

Captain Eclectic, huh? That sounds pretty accurate to me!

Darlene said...

Just don't leave home without your tights.

Ivy the Goober said...

See, and all I had to do was be RELATED to her.... ;)