Saturday, November 05, 2005

Getting A life

I passed a bespectacled teenage girl at the entrance to a 7-11 store this afternoon. She was having an animated conversation on her cell phone. Only in her peer group could she be considered fashion-conscious. The yellow Kobe Bryant shirt I guess was supposed to look good with her lilac low rider pants. This striking image was further enhanced by the top half of a bright red thong peeking above her pants. Her perfect 36 figure (12-12-12) was probably considered very sexy to the boys her age.
...."Yes, he is cute!" She said into the phone, "He's the absolute bomb."
....In my day if you referred to someone as a bomb, it meant that person was in dire need of anger management. I'll take a stab and say that maybe her bomb would be equivalent to my "cats pajamas."
....As the door was about to close behind me, I heard her last remark, "Oh, get a life!"
....That term stuck with me the rest of the afternoon. That term is used a lot nowadays. It got me to thinking, not an easy task by the way. What if we reacted to that term quite literally? I mean, if someone were to say to me, "Get a life," just how would I go about it anyway? I would have to assume that someone thought that there was something wrong with one I had, and they knew what they were talking about.
....Just where do you go to get a life? I decided to shop around to price a life. First i tried my luck in a supermarket. It didn't appear to be a produce item. I found none in the meat section. It was ironic that the meat came from animals that once had a life! It was a no-go in the dairy cases also. Lo and behold I found it in the cereal aisle. Of course, Life Cereal! If Mikey liked it, it had to be a good life.
....At the register I said to the clerk, "I got a life." She looked at me like I had two heads and replied coldly, "That's nice." Out in the parking lot, a woman in mini-van was having a difficult time trying to park between two other vehicles. I said to her, "Maybe you should trade it in for a Honda Civic." The look on her face suggested she had no clue what I had meant. So I added, "They are smaller and much easier to drive and park."
....In addition to a few choice words, she also uttered words that almost rhymed with "duck soup," to which she added "Get a life!" I beamed proudly and pulling the box of Life cereal out of my grocery bag I said, "No thanks, I just bought a whole box."
As she was walking away she was muttering some unintelligible words, some of which sounded a little like "ducking" and others that seemed to rhyme with "gas bowl."
....That incident got me to rethinking the Life I had just purchased. So I decided to shop around some more. In an automotive parts store, I came across a sign above a display of motor oil. It read, "Ultra Supreme OIl, the life blood of your vehicle." Aha, I thought, this must be the life I need! When I was paying for the quart of motor oil, I said to the man at the checkout counter, "I got me some life!" Although he nodded, but he was looking at me rather strangely.

....As I drove away, i was still thinking about this thing called life. It seemed that life came in many varieties, shapes and sizes. I smiled. It sure felt good to have some life. It felt so good that I decided to try a few more stores. Apparently you just cannot have en
ough life. I decided then and there that i was going to corner the market on life.
....At a pharmacy I found some Life Buoy soap. Imagine, you buy some life and keep clean at the same time! A few moments later in another aisle, I picked up some prophylactics. I chose the Trojans that guaranteed a life-like feel. Hmm, if you gotta get a life, I suppose it should feel life-like.
....Later, in A Kay-Bees toy store, I found the Mother-Lode! It as a deluxe edition of a boardgame called "The Game of Life." At $43.95 it was a steaal and it came with a mail-in $5 rebate. Now I ask you,
where else can you get a life for $38.95 after a rebate? It seemed too good to be true. Why you can sit down with that game and play out life situations. You might say you could actually practice getting a life. It came complete with cars for playing pieces.
t far from the mall, I decided to stop in the liquor store. There I grabbed some Miller High Life beer. I'm telling you, this life is some pretty amazing stuff. Why, they even bottle it!
....When I arrived home later that day, I cheerfully spread my booty out on the kitchen table and stood back admiring my collection of life. My wife entered just then and asked, "What in the world is all that stuff?" When I told her that I had been out getting all the life I could get my hands on, she just shook her head. Walking away she said over her shoulder, "You really do need to get a life!" I thought to myself, has everyone decided to take up poetry? She used a couple of words that sounded something like "mucked cup."
...."I shrugged my shoulders and took a deep breath. I then put on my hat and coat. As I headed to the front door jingling my keys she asked, "Where are you going?"

"Shopping," I answered. "I need to get a life!"



Tenderheart said...

lol..very funny hale...while I was shopping the other day, I bought a new fridge so I could "chill out" (that's what I was told)
Good post ;)

schnoodlepooh said...

Funny post. I guess you must be a little hard of hearing, when people keep telling you to "duck off" and you seem to not understand it. It's probably better that way. Let me know where you finally find a life. I'm in the market for one also!

Miss Cellania said...

I need to find out where to get a clue.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

To the boatyard, for a lifeline.

to the palmist, to trace your lifeline.

To the used book store, for Life Magazine. And for a magazine named Lifeline.

And to Salem, Oregon, where you can buy an entire health food store named Life Source.

Do we have any money left?

Mike Ashley said...

Thanks Hoss. Life magazine never popped into my head.

Carla said...

Very funny! You forgot Life Insurance--you gotta insure all of that life you bought!

aka_monty said...

Please pick me up one whilst you are out.
I'm in dire need.
I actually already have a life, but I want to trade it for a different one. Will you ask them if they take returns without receipts?;)