Saturday, February 18, 2006

Rejected Olympic Events

Over the years there have been many events proposed for addition to Olympic competition. What follows is a list of some of those that were rejected by the Olympic committee.

Beer Triathalon (Womens Event)

In this event topless women would ride in a bike race, swim, and run a marathon, all the while holding a can of beer between their breasts. The first to cross the finish and chug-a-lug the beer would be declared the Gold medalist.

Hockey-Boxing (Mens Event)

This event would have featured the only interesting part of a Hockey game - the fighting. The skating would be left to the sissy boy figure skaters. The ice ring, called the Penalty Box, would allow two Hockey goons to duke it out to earn enough points to advance the later rounds. This event would eliminate the possibility of a hockey game breaking out.

The Greasy Pole-Greco Roman Jello Wrestling (Womens Event)

This event would have easily displaced figure skating as the event most watched by women. A large penis-shaped rock is suspended over a pool of set Jello. The penile outcropping would be covered in a thick layer of axle grease. The object of the event would be for the Olympians to wrestle on the gelatinous surface, escape the attempts of an opponent to stop her from reaching the base of the penis and hence attempt to climb onto it. Any contestant who would succeed in mounting it, would then have to reach the head without falling off. Should one fall off, she would then have to wrestle again before trying to straddle the phallic structure another time. The first to reach the head and sit on it would win the event. (There was an outcry by some of the male figure skaters that this should also be a mens event.)

Wrestling-Omelet Cookoff (Both Men and Womens Events)

This unusual event would have featured wrestling with Humpty Dumpty, a L'Eggs man. The Olympians goal would be be to force the eggman man off the ten-foot high wall. The ensuing fall would shatter the egg. The contestant would then have to extract the pair of panty hose from the egg, and put them on. Next, without all the King's men and horses, put Humpty Dumpty back together long enough to carry him to a large skillet. Then, rubbing two sticks together, start a fire, and make an omelet.

The Patch-Sex Smoke-Off (Combined Mens and Womens Event)

In this curious event, the Olympians would have been required to cover their bodies with Nictotine patches, run a half marathon to the site of camping tents. Inside, they would make love and then attempt to smoke a cigarette without going into shock.

The best athletes at this sport curiously all come from trailer parks. Their lifestyles supply them untold hours of practice of wearing The Patch and smoking at the same time. The Americans would have been heavily favored in this event.

Blanket Gas Endurance (Combined Mens and Womens Events)

(No picture available.) In this event, the male would be required to eat a large portion of broccoli and Brussels Sprouts washed down with a gallon of prune juice. He and his female team mate would then crawl into a bed together. When ready, the man would enduce flatulence while pulling and holding the blanket over the womans head. The couple compiling the most farts by the man, coupled by the most minutes under the blanket by the women would advance to the next round. In the second round, the roles of the men and the women would be reversed. Like the previous event, the Trailer park trash of America would be the favorites for the Gold.

There you have it, these are just a few of the events that have been denied a place in Olympic competition. If you know anyone on this committee, use that relationship to pressure them to vote for your favorite event heretofore rejected. Bribe them if you must.

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Linny said...

I'd say I could be a shoe in for the beer competition but I think that chic has me beat. Good grief. Do guys like boobs that big?

Peter said...

I think I've said this before Mike, you are as ick puppy at times, ie, the blanket gas enduance event.

Webmiztris said...

oooh, I'm all for giving The Patch-Sex Smoke-Off a try!!!

schnoodlepooh said...

Olympic farting! What a concept. Can my dogs enter that?

Marti said...


I'm reminded of that old Saturday Night Live Skit with Phil Hartman (RIP) doing the "All Drug Olympics"

He was lifting weights and pulled his arms off!

FnQueen said...

Well dammit I went and lost weight and my boobs have shrunk! I could've kicked ass at that Beer Triathalon! :D

As always... Rachael said...

I bet more people woud give a damn about the olympics. If we're going to stay true to history, all events should be performed naked (and I think throwing i some beers just for fun is a fantastic idea!)

Shann said...

I'm all for the Hockey-Boxing!!

Windfall Woman said...

LOL......I just loved this post....

Sar said...

Suddenly the Olympics are interesting again. ;)