Sunday, March 12, 2006

Remember 2006?

I don't recall where I found this. To make matters worse, I seem to have forgotten what I was going to bullshit write about. Is my computer clocking, or is that noise inside my head? I think I need a roll of quarters so I can pay attention.
....If you forget to do something you were supposed to do, would that be considered breaking a promise?

Remember: Doesn't it sound like a penile transplant?

The thoughts are tumbling around in my head, making and breaking alliances like underwear in a dryer without Cling Free. My face seems to be an oval today, like a circle that had its two sides flattened by a Thigh Master.
....Those two previous sentences with the use of the strange similies were lifted somewhere, sometime. I don't remember where or when though. I think I'll have a double shot of Milk of Amnesia!

....I discovered a great new exercise program. I implemented it this morning. You begin by sitting on the edge of the bed. One - two - up - down - three - four. Then you repeat the procedure with your other eyelid. Effective in its simplicity, I was up and and about half-asleep instead of the usual seven-eighths asleep. A word of caution: this form of exercise should not be used if you sleep in the 'upper' of a bunk bed.

Maybe it's this friggin' sinusitis that's breaking my concentration. Nah, that's just a lame excuse! The real culprit is time. After all, I am a product of the 50s and 60s. I am a Baby Boomer, hear me roar ... In numbers too big to ignore! The breast of mother time which suckled me in simpler times, has been forever bloused. Alas, time is unexpugnable. Sometimes it seems that I went to sleep in 1966 and awoke in 2006.

You too might be a Rip Van Winkle living in 2006 if:

.1) - You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
.2) - You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
.3) - You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
.4) - You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
.5) - Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
.6) - You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
.7) - You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
.8) - You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10) - You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11) - Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12) - You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13) - Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14) - Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 40+) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15) - You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
16) - You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17) - You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18) - Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this list.
19) - You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20) - You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

If you are a Baby Boomer take some Milk of Amnesia and call me in the morning. But if these actions are perfectly normal behavior for you, and you are not a card carrying member of The Royal Order of Rip Van Winkle's Baby Boomers, then you are beyond help.



jules said...

I have got to get by here more often. I've missed SO much. I think you have the "runs" in your mind, I just cannot keep up with you, Mikey.

Fuckkit said...

I've been following that exercise plan religiously for years.

Peter said...

Hi Mike, thanks, finally an exercise program I can handle.

aka_monty said...

When I got to number 17 I went "D'OH!"

Call me Ms. Van Winkle.

S said...

Hi! new to your blog,but had to tell you that was way too funny and way too true! :)
thanks for the laugh!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

9. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

schnoodlepooh said...

I'll take a double dose of that Milk of Amnesia. My MD just told me last week that I had diarhea of the mouth!