Friday, April 14, 2006

Adults Say The Damnedest Things

Art Linkletter made a lot of money with a booked called "Kids Say The Darnedest Things." Well, maybe I can make some extra pocket change with a book of my own.

With my book idea, I'll take a different path than that taken by Mr. Linkletter. For my material, I'll focus on what the adults say and approach it from the kids' point of view.

Speaking with Jimmy, a ninth-grade teenager:
...."Your not gonna believe what my old man told me! He said that people used to get tattoos only if they were drunk. And then, they'd put them where nobody could see them. Can you imagine?
....Now this my dad I'm talking about! He's the same man who told me that he and my mother never slept together until their wedding night! Man, if that's not a crock of shit, I sure feel sorry for him.
....I mean, you buy a new car, don't you take it for a test drive first? If you buy a new coat, you try it on.
....And they call their youth the 'good old days?' I don't think so!"

Jimmy's sister, Jennifer, a sixth-grader:
...."I think my mother lived in a closet when she was a kid. On the night of my very first date with a boy, she said we had to talk. I think she was going to give me that "the-birds-and-the-bees" speech. I was dumbfounded when she said I shouldn't kiss on the first date. She was talking "first base" stuff! I asked her how old she was when she gave her first blow job... you should've seen the veins in her head and neck pop out!
....I tried to tell her that giving head wasn't real sex. To keep her from having a heart attack, I had to tell her a fib that I had not done it. I told her that's what the other, older kids are saying. Put this in your book; she told me that she and Dad had sex for the first time on their honeymoon. How sorry is that?"

Speaking to the first two kids, I could see a pattern developing. Their parents were behind the times. I'm sure, you the readers are probably stunned that parents actually believe those things. Aren't you?

I think I'll scrap this book before I go any further. I mean, if there are actually adults that don't believe in oral sex on the first date, how can I possibly hope to sell any books? If they think tattoos should be hidden and you only get them when you're drunk, who'd want to read such crap? Isn't the advice to get drunk before getting tattoos promoting drinking to our youth? The horrors of waiting till wedding vows before sleeping together! No one will buy a book with such prudish ideas!

Maybe I'd better leave such shocking material to Erica Jong and those who write Romance novels.



Jennifer said...

I think my mother lived in a closet when she was a kid.

I'm of the belief that this is a universal truth for every generation of youth that has come before and that will come after.

I know I believed it, until I grew up and found out - rather disturbingly, I might add - otherwise.

Now, I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then. :-)

Peter said...

I think maybe you have chosen wisely in giving this book idea away Mike, it's just to revolutionary for todays crowd.
Happy Easter.

jules said...

Mikey, guess I raised my kids the wrong way, cuz they knew more about the birds and bees than their friends.

Doug Bagley said...

"The times they are a-changin'"