Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Adding Adult To Injury

It figures! It was 06/06/06!

Why must we act like children? Why can't adults behave? I've seen a lot of unruly children in my day, but it's the grown-ups who put on the most shameful shows.

....There's road rage, and then there's parking lot rage. Yesterday afternoon while I was innocently pulling into a space just vacated, there was a sudden blare of a car horn. Through my rear view mirror I saw a woman behind the wheel of a Porsche. The look on her face and the rapid movements of her jaw clued me that I was the object of her anger. Thankfully, like a mute button had been pushed, her words couldn't be heard through my closed windows. I could only assume she was spouting profanities, and unless my imagination was wrong, the Virgin Mary figure on her dashboard was covering her ears.
....When I stepped out, the assault of expletives not deleted confirmed her choice of languauge. "Hey, asshole! What's the big idea taking my space?" she said through her then open window. Her car was still sitting an angle, effectively blocking the passage of other vehicles in both directions. On cue, there was a chorus of horns, this time directed at her.
...."F--k you! And f--k you too!" She yelled first at one car, and then to the other. "Can't you see we're having a f--king discussion here?".
...."Lady, the only discussion you need to have is with your shrink!" I yelled in her direction as I was turning toward the store. Finally, still swearing like a truck driver, she put her car into gear and moved along.
....I was half-way through the Pet Food aisle when I felt someone tapping on my shoulder. I couldn't believe it, the Porsche woman had actually sought me out in the store. I might have thought the confrontation was over, but apparently she had other ideas.
...."Who do you think you are? You just walked away!" she said shaking a finger near my face.
....Not really wanting to have anything to with this poster child for anger management, I shrugged and said, "Look, I came here to do some shopping. If you'll excuse me, that's what I'm going to do." I turned to walk away, but she grabbed my shirt sleeve. I have involuntary reactions when I am touched from behind and I swung my elbow backwards, almost striking her in the face.
...."Oh, tough guy are you? You like hitting women?" She was sneering at me. She was still clutching my sleeve, "I'm not finished with you, yet!"
....I judged her to be in her mid-twenties to early thirties, and despite her attractive looks, I wouldn't want to be waking up next to her in the mornings. She had a hair across her ass about something, and I wasn't about to ruffle it or tickle it! I jerked my arm free and said, "Oh yes, we're finished."
...."I don't think you know who I am!" Aha, she played her trumps. I knew I should fold and walk away from this joker, but my patience had finally snapped. So I raised the ante.
...."Personally, I don't care who the f--k you are!" I was all in, so to speak.
....If she was miffed at all, she didn't show it. "Well, my uncle is the Mayor!"
....I was ready for the battle of wits and I knew she was essentially unarmed. I laughed and responded, "So you know people in high places, eh? Is this the part where I start shaking in my boots? That and a dollar can't even get you a cup of coffee."
...."I suppose you voted for him?" She countered with a smug sneer on her face.
...."Hell, no!" I snapped right back. "The best man doesn't always win."
(To be honest, I couldn't even think of the name of the newly elected Mayor of our city at that moment.)
....I don't know if the hair suddenly fell off her ass or what, but she was beginning to calm down a bit. She must have realized that I wasn't impressed with her relationship with the Mayor. She almost whispered, "I'll bet you're going to tell me that you know people in high places."
....I probably could have ended it right then and there by letting her think that I was in the wrong, and not her out there on the parking lot. I could have! I was in the mood by that time to be a wise ass! After all, didn't she call me an asshole?
...."Yeah, I know people in places," I said with a sly grin. "I know Joe in Montana, Dusty in Springfield, Jack in London, Rick in Springfield, John in Denver, Oscar in Madison, and George in Harrison to name a few."
....She looked at me with the strangest look on her face before she burst out laughing. All of a sudden, the woman I had thought to be an insufferable bitch showed signs of becoming human. She was laughing almost out of control for what seemed like several minutes before she regained her composure. "Look, I'm sorry. I was having a very bad moment when I drove here." She giggled a bit and added, "You really had me going until you got to George in Harrison."
....I smiled and tried to stifle a laugh. I told her to forget it, it was over. There was no harm done. In an awkward manner, we nodded goodbye to each other and went our separate ways in the store.

Every story needs an epilog, and this one is no different. As I was at a check out register, I noticed that she was at the one in the next aisle with her back to me. I couldn't help but overhear her conversation with the girl running the register. I listened bemused as she told the girl that her period had started at home and she had no pads. She rushed like hell to get to the store to buy some. I smiled when she told the girl that she'd made a complete jerk of herself and that she had been giving some nice man a hard time about a parking space. I was walking away unnoticed by her when I heard her say, "He sure knows a lot of people. He even knows George Harrison!"
....The last words I heard were from the check out girl, "Who's George Harrison?"



StringMan said...

Amazing story, Mike. The Midol must have kicked in around the time she saw you in the aisle. George in Harrison? You are one hot shit, my friend :)

Miss Cellania said...

Great story! Diffuse anger with humor, even if she didn't quite get it. The punchline is priceless!

Peter said...

You should take two things away from this experience Mike, (a) be thankful you are a male and only subject to periods on an external basis, (b) Be very thankful you didn't return to your car to find the paintwork redecorated with a key or similar object.

Megan said...

Well done. And good for her for owning up to being a bitch. Fucking PMS...

jules said...

Who's George Harrison? WHAT are they teaching the young people of our world today?

Duke_of_Earle said...

So?? Aren't you going to tell all the clueless (who are afraid to ask) who he is? Y'know, George?

(Great story!)


OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, for that matter, who is this Rick over in Springfield, Illinois?

poopie said...

One more reason not to live or work in the city. I'm just sayin'.

Karen said...

How 'bout...

Warren in Beatty
Jayne in Mansfield
Perry in Como
Dan in Aykroyd
Harrison in Ford
Nicholas in Cage
Brad in Pitt
Jim in Carrey
Russell in Crowe
Marilyn in Monroe
Humphrey in Bogart
John in Wayne
Jennifer in Aniston
Demi in Moore
Nicole in Kidman
Pamela in Anderson
Meg in Ryan
Cindy in Crawford
Julia in Roberts
Angelina in Jolie

...did i furgit anyone!?! *grin*

Hale McKay said...

KAren - there are cities that match all those last names? Aniston? Jolie? Akroyd? Kidman? Bogart?

Karen said...

Mike~ don't know, but I could Google and find out!


{guess I did git a little carried away, eh!?! :)

Merle said...

Hi Mike ~~ A great story with a good ending. You came up with some quick
replies. As did Karen, but hers were a bit suss. Thanks for your visit and
comments and birthday wishes for John.
I liked your guess about Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney. I'll have
to remember that. Take care, Merle.

TMelendez said...

Involuntary movements when touched from behind????

Does that one works?