Saturday, June 03, 2006

Wall To Wall Mart

Cletis Clyde, Redneck, went down to the print shop and had some nice cards made up.

Cletis Clyde
On-Line cattleog
He decided he wanted to get into the very lucrative on-line catalog business. He felt he needed another source of income to supplement his used hubcap trade.
....He had invented a new fangled dollar bill changing machine. From a junk yard he'd found a mechanical pony ride that used to sit in front of the K-Mart store. He replaced the pony with the old sofa his wife made him sleep on when she was mad at him.
....There was still some bugs he had to work out before he could market it though. It was too high off the ground to get people to sit on it so that he could keep it stocked with coins.
Like any decent entrepreneur, Cletis new he had to have more than one product to sell to the potential suckers customers. So he set his mind to thinking up some other junk products.
He had read up looked at the pictures about a remake of the movie, The Wild Bunch. Now them Hollywood moguls were trying to capitalize on the success of Brokeback Mountain by using the same cowboys, only they are going to make them part of a motorcycle gang. It only took him one afternoon to come up with:

The Brokeback Mountain Bike

He didn't stop there. Cletis began to work around the clock inventing practical products. Pretty soon his garage, kitchen, and living room were full of his wonderful inventions. He was right proud of a special scanner that he was sure he could sell to those big chain stores. He called the device "The Crap Scanner." It would allow customers to check the value of the crap goods they wished to buy before going through check out.

Cletis knew women liked to watched plumbers at work. He knew they liked the way their tool belts caused their pants to slide down. To him, it was a no-brainer to create a special clock for them. The Butt Crack Clock was sure to be a big seller.

He was watching that horse race one Saturday and when the favorite horse pulled up lame. He was mad caused he had bet on Barbasol. Anyway, it gave him a great idea of a toy for the kids. It was an educational toy that could teach them what happens to horses that cannot race anymore and earn their keep. He was sure he could work out a deal with Elmers and Fisher Price, because those big companies can make more money on naming rights. He had seen his nieces and nephews playing with toy garages and those little pastel colored ponies, so he knew it would be a winner.

Yes sir, Cletis knew he was going to make a lot of money with his on-line catalog business venture. Now that he had some inventory to play with, all he had to do was to set up a catalog web site and list all his products.

The next day, a glum Cletis Clyde sat on his lawn chair by the side of the highway. It was a slow day. Only one car had stopped to look at his used hubcap collection, but they didn't buy anything. Cletis was a failed ex-entrepeneur before he even had a chance to become one. With all of his plans, he had forgotten one small detail -

he didn't have a computer!



OldHorsetailSnake said...

Of course I have to steal the clock. Such an awful idea....

jules said...

My Little Pony Glue Factory...damn, I just gave away about 50 of those stupid little critters at the end of the school year!

blue said...

LOL, great post Point. Hey, I checked out carolyn's blog, and you are right, she has a good voice, but I haven't managed to leave her a comment yet, but I will make it a "point" (what the hale?) to leave her a good one, and thanks for steering me towards her blog. I added her to my BR too, nice to see a fellow mountaineer doing good things.

Carolyn said...

Now that was just toooo funny, lol! The My Little Pony Glue Factory-- sounds like something I'd have gotten for Christmas once from my grandpaw, only he'd a turned it into the 3 Little Pigs Slaughter House, hehe! (he raised hogs) Great post, keep 'em comin'!

Miss Cellania said...

I'd like to send our Lil Ponies to the Glue Factory! For gay bikers, you must see
The Pink Angels!

Peter said...

Now if he only had a day job not to give up.