Thou Shalt Not Shalt

Cletis was thinking so long and hard on a certain subject, that the smoke detector two rooms away began to beep. Unfortunately, the chirping of that gadget on the ceiling awoke his wife from a nap.

After assuring her that he had not left a cigarette going on the gas can again, she stormed off to the den to turn on the TV so that she could watch her favorite program "Passions," which was about to start.
...."Just what in tarnation wuz you doing anyhow to cause all dat smokin'?" she yelled at him with a mouthful of jujubes.
...."Gosh darn it, all I wuz a doin' was a thinkin' bout somethin' portant," he replied.
...."What kin be so dadburn portant dat you wud risk catchin' that wood head of you'rn on fire?"

Not to be discouraged by his wife's lack of faith in him, Cletis squeezed beside her in what little space her body didn't occupy of the sofa. (His wife was more ample than he.) He began unrolling some toilet paper with some scribbling on it.
...."I think it's high time," he announced proudly, "that we wuz given some new Commandments what to lives by."
....She looked at him and laughed. "You cain't even live by da ten that Moses already done brung down from dat Mount Simonize. What new ones do we need anyhow?"

"Plenty! Dem ones we got are too hard for us dat ain't got much. Da old ones wuz made for da rich folk who done got enuf money to 'ford lawyers to get 'em off, like dat Orange Juice feller."
...."Hush your mouth a minute," she snapped waving her hand in his face. "Tabitha Lenox is gonna put a spell on dat Crane woman!" She tossed another handful of jujubes into her cavernous mouth and said, "Aw hell. Day's goin' to a commercial. Now what wuz you a yammerin' bout?"

...."Well, as I wuz a sayin', I dun come up wiffin sum new Commandments." He sat up straight and tried to swell his chest forward. It was no easy feat, for his back had never been the same since their wedding night when he'd tried to carry her through the door. In the end, it was her who carried him.

....He held up a finger to signify the first item on his list, "Thou shalt not feed the cat unless you got your drawers on."
...."What kinda Commandment is that, you old fool?" she said indignantly.
...."Hell, Maw," he said, "We ain't seen hide ner hair of dat cat ever since you last fed it. 'Member, you wuz a wearin' dat sexy green nighty when you bent down to fill da bowl."
...."That was a mangy ol' pussy anyway!" she growled.
....Cletis bit his tongue, "Ain't no way I'm a touchin' that one!"

Cletis was last seen running from his house against the backdrop of crickets and the tirade of his wife's angry threats. Someone said that his wife fed him his supper that night from a plate on the floor. Rumor has it that he not only found but passed the cat ... still running.

(If Cletis ever turns up again, this Blog will attempt to report on the rest of his new Commandments, so that they might be saved for prosperity.)

No.737