Sunday, November 05, 2006

The Blog Burglar

Stop Thief!

Every so often I like to pay tribute to some of the cast featured on my Blogroll. I was thinking, "What better way to recognize them, but to steal a joke from one of their posts?" In so doing, not only do I have the excuse to plagiarize, but by giving them their just credit for the joke, I am performing a public service by introducing them to readers who may not be familiar with these Bloggers.

The first victim of my petty larceny needs no introduction to most of you, but acting on the slim chance you've never visited her site, Miss Cellania, the Queen of the Quaquaversial* rates visit after visit.
---(*quaquaversial - In speech or writing, tending to diverge from topic to topic in the same forum.)
....This joke was so funny - I just had to steal it from the aforementioned Miss Cellania.

Rodeo

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
....The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how do you do it?
....The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style.
....Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear: "Your sister likes this position too." Then try to hang on for 8 seconds." (Insert laugh track.)
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A brand new addition to my Blogroll is Izzy. She has a lovely smile. If that's not enough to get you to visit her site, she has an upcoming birthday and she will be leaving on vacation for Mexico soon. Why not check her out and give her a warning: "Don't drink the water!"
....Here's another great joke, which I, without permission, stole from: Izzy.

Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

....Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
....The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
....As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
...."That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
....The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
....About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
....The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn. And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
....The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
....When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
...."What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
....The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
....The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!"
(Add canned laughter.)

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Here's one I lifted from Jack, but from his alternate site:

Everyone Has A Price

The owner of a golf course in Lufkin was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
....He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
....The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." (Turn on laugh track.)


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I couldn't very well post stolen jokes without breaking and entering into the archives of Hoss, now could I? The Clown Prince of the Old Folk's Home has been a little less than chipper lately. Why not pay him a visit and wish him well?

Milk Bath

Two girls are chatting, and one admires the other's skin. "What makes it so soft and beautiful?" she inquired.
...."Once a week I fill a bathtub up with milk, and just soak in it," she replied.
....So this girl goes out to a farm and tells the farmer, "I'd like a lot of milk."
....Him: "How much?"
....Her: "Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."
....Him: "Okay, pasteurized?"
....Her: "No, just up to my neck." (Fire up the canned laughter.)
~~~~~~~~~~~
South of the Equator and on the other side of the International Date Line, you'll find Peter, one funny Australian. He has a veritable gold mine of good jokes to pilfer. I chose a great golf laugher from his vault.

Fixing the Putter
A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
....Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
....She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
...."Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him.....She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked.
...."It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell" (Resorts to a barrel of laughter.)
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It just so happens that Peter has a sister who is also a funny Blogger! Merle, also from down under, comes up with some good jokes in her own right. This one is no exception:

Blind man in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big.” The person next to him said, “Everything is big in Texas.”
....When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar, where he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow, these mugs are big !
....The bartender said, “Everything is big in Texas.”
....After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. “Second door to the right,” the bartender replied.
....The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidently tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started
shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush !!” (More canned laughter!)
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Either there is something in the water, or the penchant for jokes and humor runs rampant in the Australian gene pool. Warren, nick-named Wazza, like his good friend Peter, has some great jokes at his place. Following is one of those crown jewels:

Rabbi and the Tax Office

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a Synagogue.
....While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
...."Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
box of candles."
....Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about
all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
...."Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."
...."I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the 'know - it - all' Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
...."Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick." (The laugh machine is overheating.)
~~~~~~~~~~~


I forgot where I swiped this one:

A gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.
....After the operation he mournfully complained to a fellow miner, "I supposed I'm screwed now. Who would ever want a one-legged gold digger?"
....Replied his friend, "Try Paul McCartney." (Blaring siren.)
~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh crap!! I just set off a burglar alarm! If you want some more jokes and good blog writing from those people mentioned above, you're going to have to click on the links and pay them a visit.
....Tell them Hale sent you - maybe I'll get time off for good behavior!

No.791

7 comments:

Peter said...

That's what we like to see Mike, a thief with good taste.
The only one I'm not familiar with (in the nicest possible way) is Izzy,, I'll go and visit now.

Izzy said...

I would have to say that the Milk Bath was my favourite... just because it's 8am and my laugh track just started skipping and laughing incessenntly right after I read that one.

Thanks for stealing my post...hehehe AND for the sweet compliment. awww your such a gentleman.

Have yourself a wonderful day!!!

Steve G said...

Three thumbs up. Oh, that's not a thumb. Good stuff.

kenju said...

I love the one-legged gold-digger joke!

Nankin said...

I knew I could count on you for a good laugh. I shouldn't stay away so long.

Miss Cellania said...

Hey, some of these jokes might be worth stealing!

Janet said...

The blog burglar is a really funny idea. Of course it wouldn't be so funny if you burglarized the wrong blogger, but in theory? Aces.:)