Open Before Christmas, Please

What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought practical gifts.

A Barbie For Christmas*

A little girl is standing in line to see Santa at the mall. When it is her turn she climbs up on to Santa's lap.
...."What you like Santa to bring you for Christmas this year?" Santa asked her.
...."I want a Barbie doll and a G.I. Joe," she replied.
....Santa looks at her curiously and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
...."No," said the little girl, "She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

(*The above Barbie joke was "harvested" from The Hijacked Blog.) They were just added to my Blogroll and since I took their joke, the least I could do is to give them credit.

Bubba Claus*

Merry Christmas Ya'll,
....I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States area on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio and West Virginia. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
....However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my local
replacement, my third cousin from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few
differences between us, such as:
....There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
....Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have an empty coke can handy.
....Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I loaned him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over Bubba's fireplace.
....You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
...."Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"
....As required by the local highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a decal depicting "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip character Calvin relieving himself - but not on a Ford or Chevy logo. His decal shows Calvin going wee wee on
the Tooth Fairy.
....The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see
"Ernest Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
....Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd turn the other way when
he bends over to put presents under the tree.
....Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes Santa Claus" and Bing Crosby's of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio
stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's
"Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas
Is Shania Twain"; David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me";
and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa

(*This letter was also harvested from someone else. It was attributed to some dude named Anonymous. You might want to visit him at Anonymity Anonymous.)


No.826