Saturday, February 03, 2007

Not Playing With a Full Deck

Pick a card. Any card.

Those five words may on the surface appear to be an invitation to participate in a card trick by a wannabe magician, but the words should not be taken verbatim this time of the year.
....Men have a tendency to think of themselves as the last of the red-hot lovers. (This assertion might be subject to considerable debate among their significant others.) Many men, however, have a difficult time expressing themselves when fully dressed.
....Pick a card. Any card?
On Valentine's Day it had better not be just any card! Now an e-card is okay, but only if it is given as a supplement to a real card. She will appreciate a card she can physically hold in her hand. She'll know that you cared enough to sort through a card display to find that one special card.
....To perpetuate that fact, a man should pay close attention to those generic endearments on the card he selects. Darling, Sweetheart, Honey, Snookums, etc., are all acceptable for your wife or girlfriend. Wife should be only used if you are in fact married to that particular recipient.
If a man considers himself to be the King in a relationship, failure to pay attention to the endearments could result in His Royal Majesty sleeping alone holding onto a useless sword!

....Remember how you say something is just as important as what you say!
You don't believe me? The following is from an earlier post in February of 2005.

Have you ever said something and wish you hadn't? Did you mean one thing, but it came out wrong? Of course you have! We all have. There is the classic Catch-22 question that a wife or girl friend will eventually ask a man. All things being equal, there is no safe answer to: "Does this ______ (insert article of clothing) make me look fat?" It is impossible to get a pass on this epitaph hidden in a question, "No dear, it looks good on you." On the surface this answer appears safe enough. That is until you hear her response: "Oh? That means all my other clothes make me look fat?"
~ You are now between the proverbial rock and a hard place. You are faced with tiptoeing through a mine field. You are about to run the gauntlet. You first defense, of course is to answer, "No. None of your clothes make you look fat!" Whew! You escaped unscathed.
~ You forgot to take in to account any possible sniper fire when she counters with "Oh, so I look fat with no clothes on?"
~ The ice is thin and the cracks are spreading in all directions. You have painted yourself into a corner. You are thinking furiously now, the gears are grinding. Brilliantly you come up with perfect defense, indeed a sack in the backfield. "Would you rather I had said, yes it does make you look fat?"
~ Thinking you are home free, it is you who is tackled for a loss. "So that's the way it is, isn't it? You do think I'm fat!" You are dazed, helpless as she storms out of the room.
~ You are now in no man's land. You have one foot in your mouth and chewing vigorously. What in the world just happened? There is definitely a need for some damage control. Do you let time do the healing? Not if you want supper! Or is time for some reconstructive surgery?
~ Is it time for the secret weapon? Or should you settle for the heavy artillery? The secret weapon of course, is the bribe disguised as a peace offering. You must weigh the options. Flowers? Candy? A movie? Offer to take her out to that new restaurant? You decide however, that the secret weapon will be used only as a last resort.
~ It is decided then that you will deploy the heavy artillery. So, in the heat of the battle, you charge right through the heavily barricaded portal to the bedroom where she has been entrenched since the hostilities began.
~ Keeping her pinned down, you fire a couple of salvos across the bow. "Honey, you do not look fat in any of your clothes! You do not look fat naked!" So far so good. She is listening. "In fact, when you have clothes on, I just want to rip them off of you! And when you are naked, I just want to rip off my own clothes!"
~ "Well, maybe I overacted," she says.
~ You are on a roll now. "In fact I feel like ripping your clothes off right now!" you proudly announce. To accent the positive, you hurriedly remove your own clothing. Like Teddy Roosevelt at San Juan Hill you charge in her direction.
~ BANG! There is an explosion! "Is that all you ever think of? You think that's the answer to everything?" She barges past you, making good a hasty retreat, leaving you at half-mast.
~ You played your trump, but she held the Ace! Oh, there will be an eventual truce. The skirmish will be forgotten. You'll have to get dressed and unleash the secret weapon. Which one do use first? The flowers? The candy? The movie? Or the dinner? You can only hope that you don't have to use them all!
~ (Sigh!) I didn't mean to say what I meant. What I meant to say, wasn't said. I meant to say that I didn't mean it. I'm so confused at what I did say, meant. Did I say something mean? If so, it's not what I meant. I'm not sure now what I said, meant.
~ And I mean it!

Sometimes a man's good intentions, no matter how sincere, can go wrong. This is evidenced by the following:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

My Dearest,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
....These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
....I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
....When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Roger

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
So remember girls, we do love you. Really!



lime said...

oh my stars that last bit is hilarious.

now a true story....

many years ago mr lime got me a valentine's day card of the...ahem...'humorous' variety...i use the term loosely as the punchline centered on dog genitalia. i was not impressed.

i will say that a couple years later when competing in a heinous husband contest on the local radio station mention of my card DID win me 2 dozen roses, a restaurant gift certificate, a jewelers gift certificate, a pound of chocoalte AND a teddy bear.

this year i found the perfect card for my darling husband. it has a dead rat on it.

Peter said...

The one good thing about single life is, you're out of the minefield.

Jack K. said...

Does this make me look fat?

Is that a trick question?

How fat do you want it to make you look?

Are you just setting the stage for a shopping spree?

I guess I am really dumb, stupid, ignorant, crazy, etc., to think there was any way out of this situation.

To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy, when you find youreslf in a situation where you realize you have upset your wife here is what you must do.

Admit you have done something wrong and ask her permission to go to your room for a couple of hours to contemplate the error of our ways.

Great posting.

Serena Joy said...

Poor Roger. LOL. An all-around funny post, but I really loved that "Cards" cartoon. I think I'll print it out and stick it on the refrigerator. For educational purposes, you know.:)

pink ginger 珂琳 said...

Thank you for your witty comment in my blog, you should have found me earlier, so I can discover your's sooner. :)

You're a man with great sense of humor with wit and style, which women can't resist. so I must leave a comment.

And for the mistake about the gloves, no matter how many thousand times you take a shower, you will not come out clean. Women will not believe that's a misplaced.

Women are troublesome, unreasonable, weird to certain extend, which I agree... but you know, sometimes men hate it but just can't do without it. you know why? coz men like to be in trouble all the time.

NYD said...

When faced with the dilemma of answering such questions I always go on the offensive. "How could you even consider asking me a question like that!!" Has gotten me out of a ton of trouble.

In some ways I agree with you on the cards thing,I prefer to show my appreciation all year long, but since I hate (and I don't use the word hate lightly), really hate staged romance and gift giving schemes, I usually have a tough time of it during St.Valentines day.

Raggedy said...

Great post! It reminded me of a joke.

Ed was In Trouble...
He forgot it was valentine day. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and immediately began carefully disassembling it so nothing would be damaged in the process of uncrating the object. Eventually, she opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.

Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Anonymous said...

I'm so confused. I just relived my wife's menopause, only this was on a daily basis.
Men with children another no no is to get a card that says Happy Valentine's Day Mother.
Presents like a vacuum cleaner or an iron never work either.

Marti said...

Thanks for the giggles. I have to go to a funeral tomorrow, I needed a laugh!

Rain said...

I agree with peter, I am glad I am single.

I have never been fond of the commericalism surrounding Valentines Day. Why can't our daily actions followed by words be enough?

This is a very funny post, thanks for the giggles!

SignGurl said...

I loved the card reference too! I must remember it at our card party next week.

jules said...

Single is the way to go. Use 'em, abuse 'em and kick their asses out when you're finished with 'em. Happy VD, Mikey.

Hale McKay said...

Jules, I trust by "VD" you mean Valentines Day!