Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The Old Jokes Home

All of us are going to be seniors someday. Consider these a preview. ( Or are they re-runs? )

An elderly couple decides to go and visit their grandson living in California.
....The grandfather while shaving one day, notices a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cabinet.
....That evening after dinner, the grandfather explains to his grandson, about finding the bottle of Viagra, and how for a long time, wanted to test the drug out for himself.
....The grandson was hesitant about giving him the drug, especially not knowing what type of reaction or side-affect it could have on his elderly grandfather. So he tried to make up different excuses why he shouldn't test the drug, which made no difference to the old man, since his mind was made up.
....Finally he says, "Besides gramps, those pills cost $8.00 a piece".
...."I don't care", says the old man, "I want to try it"
....With that, the grandson hands the old man one powerful blue pill.
....The next day after work, the grandson finds $108.00 dollars lying on his bed. Curious, he goes and asks his grandfather why he left so much money.
....The old man explains, "I didn't, I only left $8.00.
....The $100.00 is from your grandmother."
A senior citizen's group charters a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says "I've just been molested!"
....The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.
....A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver starts to think he may have a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
....About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
...."Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.
...."I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it keeps running away..."
Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"
....The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
....The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
....The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
....The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
....After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
....The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
....The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
...."The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
An old man went to town and on his way home he sat to rest. An old friend walking by recognized the old man and stopped to inquire about how he was doing.
...."I just bought a three bedroom, one and a half bath, brick home. And, I more recently remarried to a blonde, 30 years my junior." Then the old man suddenly burst out into an uncontrollable sob followed by big crocodile tears.
...."What's the matter?" the friend asked, "With all your good fortune lately what have you got to cry about?"
....The old man replies, "I forget where I live!"
Two old ladies visiting a museum, get separated during their tour.
....When they finally catch-up with each other, the first old lady says, "Gertrude, did you see the statue of that naked man back there?"
....Gertrude replies, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing, especially with his private parts being so large!"
...."I know", says her friend, "And cold, too!"

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
...."You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
...."Disgusting!" said the old lady.
...."It was revolting," her husband added.
...."Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
...."We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties and his teeth were in them!"

Advice: Don't get old!



Peter said...

A good selection of humorous stuff there Mike

Jack K. said...

Damned funny stuff, and that reminds me"

Two elderly ladies were in the supermarket at a long checkout line. They were discussing hair care. Apparently the husband of one of them had a particularly bad case of dandruff. The other one said, "My husband used to have that problem until I gave him Head and Shoulders. And that cured it."

The other one thought for a minute, and with a puzzled look replied, "How do you give shoulders?"

lime said...

LOL, the last one got me!

Scary Monster said...

Old people scare me. Jokes about old people make me asshole twitch.
The lady on the right of the topmost cartoon reminds me of me gramps. Me grand pa was a cross dresser, that's why me don't mess with geriatrics. The Geritol does funny stuff to their brains.

Miss Cellania said...

Funny as always! Expect some of these to be "lifted".

kenju said...

I confess to having seen most of these before, and I love the one Jack K. left in the comments. LOL

jules said...

You made me smile.

Hale McKay said...

Jack - LOL - nice one!