Three Decades

What a difference a day makes;
There's a rainbow before me.
Skies above can't be stormy,
Since that moment of bliss,
That thrilling kiss.

What a Difference 30 Years Makes

1970: 3-D Glasses
2000: Bifocals

1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG
2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock
2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: the Carpenters
2000: Eminem

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Going to a new, hip joint
2000: Receiving a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Marcus Welby, M.D.
2000: Bufy the Vampire Slayer

1970: Screw the system
2000: Upgrade the system

1970: Disco
2000: Costco

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Taking acid
2000: Taking antacid

1970: Passing the drivers test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends

1970: Nixon
2000: Bush

Have things changed so much, or is it we who have changed?


For those who can remember all the differences in those three decades, here's a couple of jokes to which you may relate. They were "borrowed" from Jack's alternate site, How Now Blue Cow.

Senior Fitness
(Winter exercises for those of us who are getting older....)

I Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends and family. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can Hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato sacks.
Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Perfect Story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man..

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

No.1002

A Song In Her Heart

Her Royal Hindness, Hillary Rodham Clinton has been running a contest on the Internet via the You-Tube Web site. It seems that the future President the Presidential hopeful the wannabe President the woman who can't keep an eye on her husband let alone run our country, wants web users to pick her campaign song! 130,000 votes so far have have narrowed the quest to the following five finalists:

Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall, Rock This Country by Shania Twain, Beautiful Day by U2, Get Ready by the Temptations, and I'm A Believer by Smash Mouth.

While these are okay songs, I don't think they have the proper oomph befitting her. I think more consideration should be given to those songs that didn't make the final five; those songs that better reflect her personality and political platform such as these:

Maneater by Hall & Oates, Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by the Smiths, Bitch by the Rolling Stones, It's The End of the World As We Know It by R.E.M., Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood, and Disaster Waiting To Happen by Jefferson Denim.

Perhaps you, dear readers have some suggestions for an appropriate campaign song for Hillary.

In the meantime, Mrs. Clinton should be less worried about campaign songs and more focused on things like the ...airlines.

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Uh-oh! Wrong Clinton!

No.1001

The Web Has a Thousand Eyes

'Cause the night has a thousand eyes,
And a thousand eyes can't help but see
If you are true to me;
So remember when you tell those little white lies,
That the night has a thousand eyes. - (Bobby Vee)

1000 (one thousand) is the natural number following 999 and preceding 1001.

In mathematics
The decimal representation for one thousand is 1,000 — a one followed by three zeroes, in the general notation;
1 × 103 — in engineering notation, which for this number coincides with :
1 × 103 exactly — in scientific normalized exponential notation;
1 E+3 exactly — in scientific E notation.
The SI prefix for a thousand is kilo, officially abbreviated as k — for instance prefixed to metre or its abbreviation m, kilometre or km signifies a thousand metres;
as such technically oriented people occasionally represent the number in a non-standard notation by replacing the last three zeroes of the general numeral with "k", for instance 30 k for 30,000
The sum of Euler's totient function over the first 57 integers is 1000.

In time
A millennium has 1000 years. The year 1000 is the last year of the first millennium AD.

In popular culture
In music, Thousand is a 1993 single by Moby.
A grand is a slang term in English for one thousand units of a given currency. Several grand can be shortened to G's.
Especially in the U.S.A., the gambling community often refers to denominations of $1000 as dimes

Trivia
To count to one thousand, counting one number every second continuously would take 16 minutes and 40 seconds.

Cardinal
1000 one thousand
Ordinal
1000th one thousandth
Factorization Divisors
2, 4, 5, 10,20, 25, 50
Roman numeral
M
Roman numeral (Unicode)
M, m
Binary
1111101000
Octal
1750
Duodecimal
6B4
Hexadecimal
3E8

Then there is a man who vowed to drink in 1000 different bars within one year's time. You can check him out here .

Ed McMahon : There you have everything you'd ever want to know about the number 1000!
Johnny Carson : Wrong, Blog-breath!

This just happens to be post number 1000 to appear at "It Occurred To Me!" I came within two days of hitting two milestones with this post: the 1000th post and 60,000 hits.

As evidenced by the subject matter of this post, it is probably apparent that I was unable to come up with some funny,unique or special theme to celebrate the milestone.

Starting with next of the second thousand, I'll make up for the absence of creativity...

'Cause the Web has a thousand eyes.

No.1000

What 'R' B'LOONZ ?

I thought I'd dabble with Paint Works a little today. I have found it difficult in the past to "draw" with a mouse. So I had to keep it simple.


What could be more simple than a cartoon featuring talking balloons? Thus this day is born B'LOONZ ! What relevancy can balloons have on the issues of the day? Well as a RED SOX fan, it is easy to poke fun at the YANKEES - at least at this point of the season. (Starting the day the "Pin-Stripes" were 12 1/2 games behind the good guys.)

Perhaps talking balloons could tackle medically social issues such as dysfunction and disease control.


Balloons could also convey greetings and best wishes for holidays.



Will B'LOONZ return one day? Should they? Or should the air be let out of them?

No.999

Will You Still Love Me?

The following was "borrowed" from one the Internet's fine bloggers from Australia. I am posting this not only because I liked it, but also as an opportunity to introduce her to those who may not have read her works, and for everyone to drop by and wish Merle* a Happy Birthday, which happens to fall on Monday, our Memorial Day.

"How old is Grandpa ?"

The answer may surprise you. .

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before : television , penicillin, polio shots, frozen food , Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill .

There were no: credit cards, ' laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented: panty-hose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers; and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air; and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man
with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgement, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk !

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, " chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us old and confused/. ...And you say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am ?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock.

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?

This man would be only 59 years old.

As for me ... I, myself, could be this man. I am 59 years old!
-(Will you still love me?)
- All that the grandfather told his grandson is 100% accurate. I know!

* While you're in Australia, why not drop in and wish her brother, Peter a belated Happy Birthday also.

No.998

STAR WARS - 30th

IN A

GALAXY

FAR FAR AWAY

When the doorbell rang the woman was laboring on her hands and knees on a soiled spot on her brand new Zaurillian carpet. She had hoped that she could clean it before anyone visited. She slammed the brush onto the floor. So much for that idea.

"C3PO, get the door, please," she called to the next room. There was no response to a second and third request as the door bell rang again. She shook her head, wondering what the hell that damned prissy droid was up to now?

She struggled to her feet and looked over at the monitor that showed the front entrance. It was her brother, Luke. "Well," she sighed, "If it isn't the Jedi Master, himself!"

She shuffled toward the door. It seemed that she never heard from him at all unless there was a crisis somewhere out there in the galaxy. The last time he and Han were gone for six months without so much a postcard.

Before she could reach the door it swung open at the raised hand of the man dressed in black with a long flowing cape. She frowned in dismay, he was always showing off any chance he had to use the force.

"Leia!" he announced with outstretched arms. "How's my favorite sister?"

"I'm your only sister, Luke!" she exclaimed as he strutted past her.

He stopped at the center of the room and looked upon the spot on the carpet his sister had been scrubbing. "What happened here, Leia?"

She couldn't control her anger and screeched, "That damned Wookie was never house broken!"

"Chewbacca?"

"Aw, who the hell knows what he's chewing? He always eating something. It doesn't matter if its dead or alive!" she said. "...And when he has to go, he goes .. no matter where he is!"

"Chewy is here?"

"No. Han sent him off on some errand for something."

"And where is my favorite brother-in-law?"

She sneered, "He received his new issue of Galaxy Girl today. He's probably in the bathroom. Why do think they call him Solo?"

"Aha. That's the issue with "The Girls of Arcturus."

"Yuck. Naked Arcturian women? They have four breasts - two on their chests and two on their backs! They're freaks."

"Maybe so, sis. But they sure are fun to dance with."

"Master Luke!" There appeared from the next room rolling on the floor a shiny golden head belonging to one C3PO. It came to rest at Skywalker's feet. "I thought I heard your voice."

Luke shook his head, "C3PO, how many times have I told you not to lose your head?"

The eyes blinked up at him, "Oh no, Master Luke. I know where my head is - it's my body that appears to be missing."

"Luke!" The unmistakable voice could only belong to his old friend, Han Solo. They embraced heartily. The pair at once launched themselves into a testosterone-laced exchange of each other's latest adventures. With these two around, the war against the evil Empire could never be forgotten.

"So what brings you to this corner of the galaxy, Luke?" Han asked. He knew it wasn't a social call. Luke never showed up unless he needed help to save the galaxy.

"How is that old rust bucket, The Millennium Falcon, running these days, Han?" Luke knew that Han didn't like his ship to be referred to as anything less than a great spaceship.

However, this day Han surprised him. "I'm afraid I sold her for scrap two years ago, Luke." He noticed sadness on Luke's countenance, "She had over 200 trillion light years on her. She didn't owe me anything." He paused and looked Luke in the eyes, "Not to worry, kid. I replaced her with a newer model - The Millennum Taurus."

"That's great, Han. We're going to need a good ship," Luke said. He was impressed with Han's choice - a Falcon to a Taurus was indeed an upgrade.

"Aha! So where are we off to now? Is there another buildup of Empire insurgence somewhere?"

( To be continued ...? )

No.997

Bush, Barney, Burger King, Boogers and Bras

Presidential Finding

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Barney Math

1) Given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add all the numbers:
666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

The Tourists

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

Eating Fingers

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears running down her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said "Mommy, where's my booger?

Texas Aggie Scientist

A scientist from Texas A & M recently developed a bra that stops women's breasts from jiggling and stops their nipples from thrusting against the fabric when exposed to cool temperatures.

At a news conference to announce the discovery, a large group of men took the scientist outside and promptly beat the crap out of him.

No.996

The Good, the Bad and the Slug

Make your own Zing!

"The Positive Side of Life"

The check's in the mail. I won't c*** in your mouth. Read my lips, no new taxes! I never had sex with that woman! I am not a crook!

Sometimes we are put in a position to be trusting, to take others' words as gospel. Were these lies, or honest statements that just didn't work out as intended?

No dear, that outfit doesn't make you look fat.

Sometimes we are put in a position to stretch the truth just a tad.

Don't worry honey, this video is just for our eyes only!

Why can't life be easy? When is good luck coming our way? For some, they feel if it weren't for bad luck, they'd have no luck at all!

The pessimistic defeatist sees the proverbial glass of water as half-empty and the altruistic optimist sees it as half-full. As for me, I see it as a full half glass! In other words, I tend to straddle the fence between the positive and negative side of things.

Even when the silver clouds have black linings, the following thoughts can turn a frown into a grin.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

No.995

Tons of One Liners

1. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
2. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
3. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
5. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
   A closed mouth gathers no foot.
   A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
   A day without sunshine is like, night.
   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
   A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
   All generalizations are false, including this one.
   All men are idiots, and I married their King.
   Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
   Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
   Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
   Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
   Assassins do it from behind.
   Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
   Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
   Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
   Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
   Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
   Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
   Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
   Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
   C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
   Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
   Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
   Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
   Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
   Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
   Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
   Death is hereditary.
   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
   Did anyone see my lost carrier?
   Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
   Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
   Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
   Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
   Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
   Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
   Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
   Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
   Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
   Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
   Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
   Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
   Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
   Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
   For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
   For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
   Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
   Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
   Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
   Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
   Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
   Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
   Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
   He who laughs last thinks slowest.
   Honk if you love peace and quiet.
   Honk if you want to see my finger.
   How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
   How does Teflon stick to the pan?
   How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
   I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
   I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
   I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
   I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
   I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
   I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
   I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
   I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
   I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
   I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
   I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
   I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
   I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
   I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
   I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
   I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
   If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
   If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
   If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
   If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
   If you can't convince them, confuse them.
   If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
   If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
   
   If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
   If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
   IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
   It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
   It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
   It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
   It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
   Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
   Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
   Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
   Keep honking. I'm reloading.
   Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
   Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
   Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
   Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
   Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
   Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
   Montana: At least our cows are sane!
   More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
   Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
   My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
   My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
   Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
   Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
   Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
   Never miss a good chance to shut up.
   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
   Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
   No one is listening until you make a mistake.
   Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
   Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
   On the other hand, you have different fingers.
   Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
   Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
   Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
   Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
   Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
   Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
   Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
   Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
   Remember half the people you know are below average.
   Save the whales. Collect the whole set
   Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
   Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
   Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
   Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
   Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
   Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
   Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
   Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
   Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
   Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
   Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
   The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
   The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
   The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
   The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
   The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
   The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
   The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
   The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
   The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
   The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
   The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
   The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
   The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
   The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
   There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
   There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
   Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
   Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
   Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
   Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
   To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
   Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
   Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
   Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
   We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
   Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
   What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
   What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
   What's the speed of dark?
   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
   When there's a will, I want to be in it.
   When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
   Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
   Who stopped payment on my reality check?
   Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
   Why is abbreviation such a long word?
   Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
   Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
   You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
   You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
   You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
   Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Weekly Planner

Having a bad week? Not me! What's my secret, you ask?

It's called planning. You must schedule your work properly.

You need a weekly planner. Check out mine:

MONDAY:







TUESDAY:







WEDNESDAY:







THURSDAY:







FRIDAY/AFTER 12:








SATURDAY:








SUNDAY:





Works for me!

No.994