Saturday, May 19, 2007

Southern Tried & Fried


I'm not certain if this post should be categorized under cooking tips or beauty products. In the end, I have opted to put it out there and let you decide for yourselves.

Meet Aunt Gertie, or Gertrude Evinrude as some call her behind her back because her mouth is always running like an outboard motor. It seems that she knows just about everything and everybody on every hill and in every holler for miles around.

Many of the neighbors, mostly the jealous ones she claims, wonder how she maintains her youthful vigor and appearance. I suspect that many of the men suitors that traverse the path to her door are more interested in the attractive spread that she always lays upon the table, as opposed to that in bed.

Gertie: ( I heared that, whippersnapper! )

Aunt Gertie's Old Time Beauty Secrets

Howdee do, friends. My secret ain't really no secret a-tall! Personal hygiene, contrary to what most rednecks think, ain't got nothin' to do with how long one's pants legs might be, but about taking a bath more than once a month, whether theys need it or not.

My secret? Try bouncin' this thought around inside yer skull: there ain't nothin' handier than a tub of lard! You heared me right, lard! Surely you don't think the good Lord put lard upon the earth just fer cookin'.

Yessum, lard is time tested and time honored. It gives a natural gloss to what it's rubbed upon and lubricates what it's been applied to. Just a tablespoon of rendered pork fat has served many a young and old lass alike well. You fellows out there have long benefited from it, too! Lard is everyone’s natural beauty secret. And it smells good, too!

Just take a gander at this list of uses:

Lip Gloss
Hair Conditioner and Dressing
Facial Moisturizer
Shaving Cream
Make-up Remover
Deodorant—a fragrance that is pleasing to both man and beast!
Laxative
Shoe Polish
Hand and Body Cream
Personal lubricant (Why do you think they call it “makin’ bacon”?)
Suntan lotion
Ointment for wounds and burns
All purpose seasoning
Dog training aid
..And did I mention you can even cook with it?
Take it from me, when it came to beauty and personal needs, Granny and Paw didn’t fret none! Ain’t nothing cain’t be helped with a spoonful or two of pure lard.


The idea for this post and the list of lard uses above came from the site of Southern Humorists, which features a group of talented and accomplished southern writers.
No.990

6 comments:

Winters said...

Great post, full of helpful lard related advice.

I shall look at this multi-purpose substance in quite the same way again. Though I remain intrigued by the specific ways in which it can be used as a dog training aid. :)

jules said...

Thank god someone invented Astroglide, cuz the thought of using lard as a personal lubricant kinda makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

Serena Joy said...

I've seen people with lard (or bear grease, or something) in their hair. It ain't purty. You've given me some ideas, though. My dog won't listen to me.

Hale McKay said...

It appears comment bots have figured out how to beat the letter verification already.

That was a 2200 character ad to invest in stocks!

Marti said...

I am proud to say I have material posted at Southern Humorists!

Thanks for the plug!

Sorry for not visiting for so long, I've been taking care of mom-in-law, and don't get much time online anymore.

Hale McKay said...

Marti, I'll have to return there soon and track down your stuff there.