Every four years Phil's prognostications spell doom and gloom. If there are to be six more weeks of winter, it doesn't seem so bad when we realize that this year we are facing ten more months of the political posturing that will result in the election of a new President.
If that isn't bad enough, Presidential elections occur on Leap Years. This cruel joke must have been the idea of a politician. Who else would have subjected the American citizens to an extra twenty-four hours of campaigns and rhetoric?
So I sent a threatening letter to that furry little #%*&ing rodent:
"Groundhog, if you know what's good for you, do not see your shadow." ...And what does he do? The "blankety-blank" varmit went out and looked for and found his shadow in direct defiance to my warning.
What else could I do but draft up a letter to Homeland Security (with a cc: President George Bush) containing some damning implications about the little hairy buck-toothed bastard?
My letter was unsigned, thus excluding me from any possible involvement in the assassination. Besides, Dubya's public approval ratings are so low that another hit wouldn't make much of a difference.
I had back-up a contingency plan in the event that Phil the Prognosticator feigned injury and came out of the assault unscathed.
I know, it's a cruel prank to play on anyone, but these are desperate times. I have to hit him where it hurts - at home. I'm sick of winter. I loathe snow and ice and cold temperatures.
Phil and his fellow meteorologist-wannabe groundhogs across the country need to leave weather forecasting to the trained specialists. They should stick to damaging flower beds, ruining gardens, and bespoiling golf courses - things for which they have been trained.
I'll bet he thought his cross-dressing fettish was a well-kept secret! Well if he can play weatherman, I can step out of character and be a private eye. I probably could have made a lot of money blackmailing him with the pictures, but I wanted to make a statement!
When the old lady gets a load of these pictures, it'll be a long time before he's able to crawl out of his hole to seek fame and fortune or his shadow!