Groundhog Day

Some days my mind is as blank as the monitor screen before the computer has been fired up. The image at the left, from Mike Baldwin's comic strip, Cornered , illustrates that.

Then sometimes salvation comes from the least likely of sources! With impeccable timing they've crawled out from under some rock to rear their heads filled with another hair-brained outcry!

PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) ... oops! People for Ethical Treatment of Animals have forced themselves into the headlines again!

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. — An animal-rights group wants organizers of Pennsylvania's Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it's unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each Feb. 2 in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. PETA is suggesting the use of an animatronic model.

But William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, says the animal is "being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania." The groundhog is kept in a climate-controlled environment and is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture.

Deeley says PETA isn't interested in Phil from Feb. 2 on and is looking for publicity.

Apparently Punxsutawney Phil himself feels the same way. The angry celebrated star of the traditional Groundhog Day festivites has even taken up arms and has threatened to defend his job to the death if necessary.

When learning that an animatronic gopher who starred in the movie Caddyshack had applied for his job, Phil claimed he was locked and loaded.

He was quoted as saying, "I'll blast that thing into a pile of nuts and bolts. Besides he's not even a groundhog. He's nothing but a f**kin' toy gopher!"

Meanwhile, Phil's wife, Phylis has announced that she's standing by her man. "It's his livelihood," she exclaimed to reporters. "Who are these people and what gives them the right? Not one of those PETA people talked to us. Not one of them asked how we felt about this?"

"I like my job," stated Phil, "and my record speaks for itself."

After checking historical records it was learned:

Of 112 predictions on record so far, Punxsutawney Phil has predicted an early spring 14 times (13%). As to his accuracy, according to the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club Inner Circle, he is 100% accurate.

When shown a report generated by the StormFax Weather Almanac, which claims that since 1887 Phil's predictions have been correct just 39% of the time, Phil was quick to dismiss its records. He claimed that PETA must have bribed them to falsify the report.

Phil then puffed out his chest and proclaimed, "Who knows what the weather will be?" He then revealed a poster that supplied the answer:

At least we can take comfort in the fact that another of PETA's misguided efforts will fail.

On the second day of February, whether a shadow is or is not visible, there will be a real groundhog making that observation.

Now that I have come up with a post for Tuesday, I sit with a blank mind staring at a blank screen wondering what I can post on Wednesday!

№ 1903

Groundblog Day

"10 More Months of Presidential Campaigns!"
Every four years Phil's prognostications spell doom and gloom. If there are to be six more weeks of winter, it doesn't seem so bad when we realize that this year we are facing ten more months of the political posturing that will result in the election of a new President.

If that isn't bad enough, Presidential elections occur on Leap Years. This cruel joke must have been the idea of a politician. Who else would have subjected the American citizens to an extra twenty-four hours of campaigns and rhetoric?

So I sent a threatening letter to that furry little #%*&ing rodent:

"Groundhog, if you know what's good for you, do not see your shadow." ...And what does he do? The "blankety-blank" varmit went out and looked for and found his shadow in direct defiance to my warning.

What else could I do but draft up a letter to Homeland Security (with a cc: President George Bush) containing some damning implications about the little hairy buck-toothed bastard?

My letter was unsigned, thus excluding me from any possible involvement in the assassination. Besides, Dubya's public approval ratings are so low that another hit wouldn't make much of a difference.

I had back-up a contingency plan in the event that Phil the Prognosticator feigned injury and came out of the assault unscathed.

I know, it's a cruel prank to play on anyone, but these are desperate times. I have to hit him where it hurts - at home. I'm sick of winter. I loathe snow and ice and cold temperatures.

Phil and his fellow meteorologist-wannabe groundhogs across the country need to leave weather forecasting to the trained specialists. They should stick to damaging flower beds, ruining gardens, and bespoiling golf courses - things for which they have been trained.

I'll bet he thought his cross-dressing fettish was a well-kept secret! Well if he can play weatherman, I can step out of character and be a private eye. I probably could have made a lot of money blackmailing him with the pictures, but I wanted to make a statement!

When the old lady gets a load of these pictures, it'll be a long time before he's able to crawl out of his hole to seek fame and fortune or his shadow!

No.1248

Pseudo Political Science

The 2008 race to the White House has been unlike any previous Presidential races. Could America really elect its first woman President? Is it possible that the first black President could soon occupy the Oval Office? What Republican candidate wants to become the first male to lose to a woman, or the first white to lose to a black?

The answers to those questions are still a long ways off, however. There are other firsts happening out there on the campaign trail. On February the 2nd, I'm afraid Punxsutawney Phil is going to need a psychotic. He'll be one confused groundhog when and if he sees his shadow this year. What will he be announcing this time?

Six more weeks of winter? Six more weeks of basketball? Or will he lose it all together and say there will be six more months of political campaigning? Perhaps he'll have to consult with his cousins, Wiarton Willie in Canada and Pothole Pete in New York to come up with an accurate forecast.

There could possibly be a number of other firsts out there. Is Kucinich the first Presidential candidate to ever say that he had a close encounter of the third kind with a UFO? Is Rudolph Giuliani the first to dress up in drag in public? Is Giuliani the first Presidential hopeful to have been married three times?

I cannot remember any other candidate who ever proposed spending $1 million on a museum to celebrate Woodstock! Did the estate of Charles Schulz contribute to her campaign fund in exchange for this tribute?

Her proposal was uttered during an actual debate. McCain responded mockingly, "Now, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't there. I'm sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event. I was tied up at the time."

Methinks the Senator and I are on different pages here.

JOKES and QUOTES

Speaking of McCain: What's with Walker, Texas Ranger at his side? Body guard?

Colbert's short-lived run!

Fred Thompson's candidacy?

"...And the ultimate thing is, I may not be the expert that some people are on foreign policy, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night." - Huckabee

Edward's $400 haircut!

"Isn't it amazing, Obama and Cheney related? Dick Cheney has more blacks and gays in his own family than the entire Republican Party." - Jay Leno

Obama (when asked about being Cheney's 8th cousin): "I don't want to be invited to the family hunting party."


No.1219

Punxsutawney Phil and Phylis

Early one morning a figure is tip-toeing through his home. He is trying not to awaken his wife. All is going well until he trips on a rug and knocks over a lamp.

Phylis: Where do you think you're going?

Phil: It's February the 2nd! It's Groundhog Day!

Phylis: Oh no you don't! Not again this year.

Phil: But it's a tradition, honey.

Phylis: Tradition? Sure it is!

Phil: It's true. A lot of people are depending one me.

Phylis: Like that tramp two burrows down the field?

Phil: What ever do you mean?

Phylis: Do you think I'm stupid? You'll go up there and see your shadow cast upon her home, and I won't see you for six weeks!

Phil: You gotta believe me, sweetkins. I've never had sex with that woman!

Phylis: Is that so? Then how you explain disappearing for six weeks two years ago and showing up drunk in Miami?

Phil: Don't you remember I won those Super Bowl tickets. I went down there with my buddy!

Phylis: Except the Super Bowl was in Detroit!

Phil: Honey, I explained that when it happened. I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque!

Phylis: Is that why you took your swimming trunks and sunglasses?

Phil: Hey! Didn't I bring back a nice present?

Phylis: A box of Cuban cigars? What was I supposed to do with those? I don't smoke!

Phil: You know how hard it is to find those things? Besides, I read somewhere that they are an aphrodesiac!

Phylis: Hmph! All I gotta say, if you crawl out of this burrow and don't come back for six weeks - I won't be here when you get back!

Phil: But honey, it's my job. All those people with the cameras are expecting me.

Phylis: Aw, go and meet your adoring fans! But remember what I said. You come straight home right after your photo-op!

Our triumphant hero climbs the ladder from his burrow to greet the fans and paparazzi. He returns two hours later.

Phil: Honey, I'm home. You're not going to believe this! There was no shadow. You know what that means?

Phylis: (Groan!) I know, it means it's going to be an early winter. Well, if you think you're gonna lie around the house all spring in your underwear, you got another think coming!

Phil: No. This will give me a chance to paint the bedroom and fix that leak under the kitchen sink.

Phylis: Good idea. Why don't you start with spare bedroom?

Phil: Why the spare bedroom?

Phylis: Oh, did I forget to tell you? My mother is coming to stay for six weeks!

Phil: Excuse me. dear. I'll be right back!

Phylis: Where are you going now?

Phil: I'm going to see if those photographers are still up there.

Phylis: What ever for?

Phil: Well, the way I figure it if I can get the camera crew to shine those studio lights at just the right angle on me - it ought to cast a real good shadow of me.

It's time to leave the legendary prognosticator of Gobbler's Knob until the same time next year. Enjoy the promised shortened winter. Alas, I'm afraid our hero is in for one long spring.

Want to know about the history of Groundhog Day? Check out Storm Fax .

No.884

The Calendar Told Me So

Now that the first page of the calendar has been flipped over to February, I decided to glance at the selections of Valentine's Day cards, gifts and candies. To my chagrin, the shelves had been effectively ransacked.

In a way, however, it made sense. After all, the Valentine's stuff had been on the shelves since the day after Christmas. It came as no surprise to me that there was a large expanse of empty shelving next to the bright red fancy heart shaped boxes of candy. I am no rocket scientist, but I didn't need to be to figure out that the space was being cleared to make way for the Easter displays. There will also be at least one part of a shelf set aside for some obligatory St. Patrick's Day paraphenalia.

Even as we start filling the Easter baskets for the kids, the shipment of Mothers and Fathers Days treasures are being prepared for their days in the limelight. Alas, those displays will be short-lived also. They have be removed right away in lieu of the red, white and blue of America's birthday - the Fourth of July.

Before you can say Yankee Doodle Dandy, the shelves are brimming with notebooks, pens and pencils, book covers, etc., because in September the kids are returning to school. You'd best start stocking up on those school supplies right away, otherwise you'll discover on the same shelves Halloween goodies in time for that day over two months away.

He who hesitates is lost, because before you know it, witches and hobgoglins will yield to snowmen and Santa Claus. That's right, we need three months to prepare for Christmas. You probably blinked and missed the few days that Thanksgiving was honored with a display, usually sharing time with Halloween.

We are opening our Christmas gifts with out loved ones; meanwhile somewhere, a stock person is replacing the snowmen and Santas with heart-shaped boxes of candy....

The cycle repeats itself and we are caught in the loop ....

Aha!! Yesterday was Groundhog Day! Is everyday being repeated, Bill Murray? I thought it was only a movie ... Only a movie .... I'm looking at Valentine's Day stuff .... Right? Is it today that I'm looking at hearts? Was it last year? Maybe it's next year?

To quote Vinnie Barbarino, "I'm so confused!"

Just for which "holiday" am I shopping ? Oh, yes. So I settle on the gorilla with boxer shorts that sings "Cupid draw back your bow ..," a box of candy, and a romantic card. The line is long and they have only one register open. When I reach the counter, the lady at the register says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot purchase these items today." Stunned, I reply with, "Why not?" She points at the calendar on the wall and says, "Today is February the second. We cannot sell Valentine's Day merchandise after January 31." I looked at her in disbelief and said, "But Valentine's Day is still twelve days away! I came in here to buy for Valentine's Day." Her smug demeanor didn't waver, "If you want Valentine merchandise, you can come back on February the 15th when we sell it at 50%clearance. But if you wish, feel free to browse the shelves for Easter gifts." I was beginning to get testy, "I don't want Easter stuff! Besides the shelves are chock full of Valentine's Day goods. There is no Easter stuff out." She was still smug and pointed behind me. To my horror, as far as I could see up the aisle I'd been in earlier was a plethora of pastel bunnies, chocolate rabbits and jelly beans. The Valentine stuff was gone.

I walked out of the store with a yellow gingham bunny rabbit with red polka dots, two chocolate bunnies and several bags of jelly beans. I thought aloud, "I hope she liked the Valentine gifts." What the heck I reasoned, at least I beat the rush for Easter.

I gulped down the last drops of tepid coffee as I looked at the calendar. I shook my head, wondering "What was I thinking?" I wasn't about to shop for Easter stuff, not on the second of February! My mind was made up, I'd better get my butt to the store and get some Valentine gifts and cards. In the driveway I met the mailman who was wearing green suspenders and a pin that said, "Kiss me, I'm Irish." He smiled and said, "Good morning. Happy Groundhog Day!" I looked at him blankly as I got into my truck and answered, "Merry Christmas."

No.524