Thursday, March 13, 2008

Bizarro's Bazaar of the Bizarre

Superman's imperfect doppelganger, Bizarro, was known for his imperfect existence. After all, his home planet of Htrae (Earth spelled backwards) was not a sphere but a square-shaped world.

If he happened to read our newspapers, listen to our news radio broadcasts and watch our televised news programs, he would probably think he was reading about the home world.

The news of late has been featuring the usual fare of stories about murder, rape and mayhem in general. Of course there is also the race for the White House and the too-long political follies recounting the process. Not to be forgotten, but well represented on the various outlets of broadcast and print media, are the war against terrorism, suicide bombings and genocide worldwide.

If that isn't enough to wet his whistle, there is also a plethora of bizarre news stories. If some of this stuff was on the Jerry Springer Show, it just might be more believable.

Crystal Balls?

The erstwhile funnyman, Billy Crystal dons a Yankees uniform after signing a two-day contract. The no-longer funny 60-year-old comedian is sure to garner at least a few laughs across the airwaves for this gig. It may well be his best public appearance since he last hosted the Academy Awards. Crystal, batting leadoff in an exhibition game in Tampa against the Pittsburgh Pirates, fouled off one pitch and got the count to 3-1 before striking out in his only plate appearance.

Political Suicide?

Dr. Jack kevorkian plans to run for Congress in Michigan. The announcement by "Doctor Death" will complicate one of the hottest election races in the nation. Released from prison last year and still on parole, he will run as an independent for a seat representing Detroit's suburbs. He plans to focus on reform and bringing integrity to the government.

Poor Accomodations

A Little Rock, Arkansas bailiff locked a woman in a courthouse holding cell. Nothing unusual there, unless you consider the fact that he forgot about her. The woman spent four days in a 9 1/2-by-10 1/2-foot cell without food, water or access to a bathroom. Jarrod Hawkins was suspended for 30 days but will keep his job. Adriana Torres-Flores was charged for selling pirated CDs.

Queen Peaks?

Two celebrities, Johnny Legend and Queen Latifah at their peaks, are to headline benefits in BOston. Re: Queen Latifah - How can such a round mound have peaks?


A Dallas mother threw her two sons off a 22-foot overpass into oncoming morning rush hour traffic on Interstate 30, and then jumped herself. Khandi Busby, 27, her boys, 8-year-old Gary Ford and 6-year-old Derrick Tenneson survived and were taken to local hospitals. Child Protective Services has had past involvement with the family and the mother has a criminal record. She will probably be charged with attempted murder.

Bizzaro Says This Is the Most Bizarre of All!

Throne For a Loop

A Ness City, Kansas woman had to have a toilet seat surgically removed from her ... butt! The woman had been sitting on her boyfriend's toilet for so long that her body had become stuck to the seat. Law officials were reacting to a call placed by the woman's boyfriend, Kory McFarren, who stated that "something was wrong with his girl friend."

Sherrif Bryan Whipple said that it appeared that woman's skin had literally grown around the toilet seat. The 35-year-old Pam Babcock initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by the responders and McFarren that she needed to checked out a hospital. "She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

Police found Babcock clothed and sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. "She was 'somewhat disoriented,' and her legs looked as if they had atrophied," Whipple said. "We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," he said. "The hospital removed it."

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

Sheriff Whipple says he has asked the Ness County attorney to file charges against the boyfriend for mistreatment of a dependent adult. McFarren says he did nothing wrong because his girlfriend had a phobia about leaving the bathroom. "It just kind of happened one day. She went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay — like it was a safe place for her," McFarren said. It appears that the woman has spent the last two years in the bathroom.

McFarren, 36, told investigators he took Babcock food and water and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom. "And her reply would be, 'Maybe tomorrow'" he said. She did not want to leave the bathroom. McFarren told the AP that he wasn't to blame, and that it was solely Babcock's choice to remain in the bathroom. "She is an adult; she made her own decision. It was my fault I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it," McFarren said.

McFarren said Babcock moved around in the bathroom during that time, bathed and changed into the clothes he brought her. He said they conversed and had an otherwise normal relationship — except that it all happened in the bathroom. ( Does that include sex? Don't answer that, I don't want to know! )

Although authorities said they think Babcock was in the bathroom for two years, McFarren said he wasn't certain how long she stayed there. He said she had a phobia about leaving the room because of childhood beatings.

She was reported in fair condition at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators. McFarren said that his girlfriend has an infection in her legs that has damaged her nerves, and that she has no feeling in her legs. She may wind up in a wheelchair, he said.

Why am I visualizing this woman in another two years being rushed into an emergency room to have the wheel chair surgically removed from her ass? Nonetheless, I am still having much difficulty visualing the woman entering the emergency room with a toilet seat attached to her rump! (How long before a video shows up on U-Tube?)



Skunkfeathers said...

Hmmmmm...I wonder if the hospital gives the lady a therapeutic bedpan, kinda like a teddy bear?

*ducking boos and throwd items*

Hale McKay said...


That story was both sad and funny - MORE funny - at the same time.