It's gettin' nigh time when the Irish population expotentially grows every year, if only for one day. Aye, come Monday the next it'll be St. Patrick's Day.
Best be dustin' off your shillelagh, and don't ye be forgettin' to buy yourself a green plastic derby. You'll be needin' a green shamrock on your lapel too.
As for me, I shan't be celebratin' on March 17. 'Tis not blasphemy I speak, lads and lassies. Ye see, St. Paddy's Day has become a lot like New Year's Eve. The two of them have turned into amateur nights. Everybody thinks they be Irish on that day.
As for me, there are 364 other days I can be goin' out for me pints of ale and Irish whiskey.
Be warned, I want ye to be watchin' out for all those fake Leprechauns ye might see out there. What ever ye do, steer clear of that fella on the left, he gives Leprechauns a bad name.
You'll be needin' some Irish jokes to tell while you're gettin' drunk. What's St. Paddy's Day without some jokes? It just so happens I've got a couple to give you a head start with the joke spreadin'.
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"
So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."