I Got Religion

Yeah, I got religion, but I didn't just get it. I picked it up quite a few years ago as a teenager. I'm not a Bible waver and I don't interpret the Holy book or its scriptures as literal, but as symbolic. Its teachings are not the end-all but are more like guidelines.

I believe in God, but have become over the years a border-line agnostic of sorts. As such I will poke fun at religion and religious groups, but not with animosity or outright disrespect. Evidence of that can be seen in yesterday's post, The Pope and the Dope.

The inference of this post's title does not mean that I have been born again. (If was born again, you don't think I'd come back with this body, do you?) No, the Pope's visit to this side of the big pond has filled me with the gumption to poke a little fun at the concept of religion. Ergo, today I Got Religion.

He Has Returned!
Cardinal Ratzinger goes running into the Holy Father’s office and is quite beside himself. “Holy Father, Holy Father!”

“What is it my son?” the Pope responds.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? “

“The good news”, responds the Holy Father.

The Cardinal says “OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned as He promised!”

“Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!”, the Holy Father responds “So what’s the bad news? “

Ratzinger responds “He's in Salt Lake City.”

An Old Classic: Did you hear what happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap out of him!

I wonder, if after meeting with President Bush, did Pope Benedict walk away with the same opinion of him as most Americans?

PMS IN THE BIBLE
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible. The entirety of the human experience could be found there, without exception.

After the service, the preacher was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look it up.

The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read ...

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

POPE AND QUEEN OF ENGLAND

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

Four Catholic Ladies

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'"

A Word From Our Sponsor
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

JAMES BOND'S HEAVENLY MISSION
M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn't hear from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says "Virgin Mary speaking." M asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn't.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. "Virgin Mary speaking," comes the response. "Is James there yet?" asks M. Again the answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours and then calls heaven back again.

"Hello, Mary speaking…"

Does anyone know of a contractor who installs lightning rods? I have a feeling I'm going to need some.

No.1323