Appalachian Daily News

Appalachian Daily News and Gossip
Scouring the Hills and Hollers For Y'all
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Redneck Police Blotter, 5/14

Trailer Park Call Girl Arrested, Released
-Toad Creek

Bertha Butts, 39DD-24-36, of No. 413 Skeeter Park Trailer Court was arrested and charged with prostitution yesterday. After being interrogated, and strip-searched by the police officers, the fire department, and members of the city council, Ms Butts was released on her own recognizance.

Sheriff Billy Bob Boggs said in a statement that there wasn't enough evidence to hold the woman. "Well, it's like this," said Boggs, "Even though we found several hundred dollars in a cash box in her desk, Bertha was not charging her customers money for the sex she was having with her clients."

When asked to explain the Sheriff said, "It appears Bertha Butts was having sex with all kinds of gentleman callers for free. It turns out she was selling paper bags for $50 a pop."

This reporter confirms that there is no law against selling paper bags in Toad Creek.

The Slogan's Gotta Go
-Possum Gulch

A local Realty company has been ordered to cease and desist its operations until it not only stops using its current advertising slogan, but also changes the name of its operations.

A spokesperson for MILF Realtors, who identified herself as Bambi Baker said, "Don't the Possum Gulch people know that we are only exercising our right to free enterprise?"

When asked about their company's success, the owner Anita Mann said, "Most of the menfolk of Possum Gulch have put their homes up for sale through us. Presently though, we ain't been selling too many houses, but our clients are happy."

How Does Your Garden Grow?
-Pokeberry Hill

Mary Lipshitz thought she was doing the right thing. The Pokeberry Hill police thought otherwise.

She caused quite a stir in the town center when she stripped down and began to pour water over herself at a botanical display. When asked why she was performing this act of exposure, she pointed at a sign next to display of flora.The sign reads: Be a good neighbor. Water the flowers, shrubs and bushes here.

Local Swimming Pool Closed
-Coon Holler

On the hottest day of the year so far, the public swimming pool in Coon Holler was forced to shut down.

Wendy Biggins, a senior at the local high school, and two friends decided to go swimming topless at the crowded pool. It seems that Biggins' attempt at a cannonball turned out to be a rather large "flop." As a result of her leap nearly all of the water in the pool ended upon Main Street.

Said Jerry Mander, the lifeguard on duty, "Shucks, I thought she was in trouble. I rushed over to give her mouth to mouth and the hindlick maneuver. Then I tried pounding on her chest and danged if she didn't fight me the whole time. I told that my rubbin' on her chest was to save her life, but she slapped me instead!"

Couple Sets Fire in Busy Eatery
-Chigger Junction

It seems the folks in Chigger Junction don't take too kindly to people playin' with fire around natural gas. All Tom and Nancy Snodgrass intended to do was to toast some marshmallows for dessert after their meal of crawl-dabbers.

In front of some horrified diners Nancy removed most of her clothing and leaned over the table with her backside in the air. Then while husband Tom was affixin' some marshmallows onto a stick his wife commenced to emit flatulent gases and then set them on fire with a bic lighter.

"She had to repeat the process three or four or five times before he got them marshmallows toasted just right," said the waiter in charge of their table.

Floored By Sign
-The Sticks

D.J. Flooring was cited for displaying a pornographic sign outside their downtown office. Owner and proprietor of the flooring outfit, D.J. Dickers, denied the charges claiming the sign was clean.

Before a gathering crowd of gawkers, hizzoner Mayor Jakes told the man to place his hands on his sign, specifically over the head of the depicted woman and her hand holding the glass.

To his surprise, D.J. had to agree his sign was not appropriate to be displayed in clear view of the public and immediately removed it.

Bertha Butts In News Again
-Toad Creek

Ms. Butts made headlines in Toad Creek for the second day in a row. Butts, a former "free" call girl who made money sellin' paper bags, has decided to go straight and to live a more normal lifestyle.

Today she began a new job working for a local accounting firm. She has proven to be quite an attraction at the firm.

"Well, she can't type a lick but she's good to look at from the shoulders down," said company President Ben Dover. "When customers come in and she's wearin' one of her bags, they all want her to handle their taxes."

Bertha was quoted as saying, "I'm having some trouble seeing the computer keyboard, but all the men around here are all more than willing to offer me a hand or two."

No.1351