Thursday, May 29, 2008

(Sh)It Came From Outer Space

Roswell, NM -- The residents of Roswell, New Mexico are no longer worried about the sagging economy and the nation's recession. As Ufologist, scientists, the U.S. military and a host of former abductees converge on this southwestern city, its business owners are gearing up for a wave of money-spending visitors.

As was the case on July 7, 1947, Roswell is readying itself to once again become the center of Unidentified Flying Objects and extraterrestrials. Sixty-one years ago this desert town became the center of controversy and intrigue when a mysterious flying object crashed on a ranch. According to witnesses the object was a spacecraft from another planet. The U.S. military moved in and quickly disavowed the reports claiming the craft was a fallen weather balloon.

Conspiracy theories soon followed on top of rumors that the government had carted the wreckage and its alien crew to Edwards Air Force Base and stored them in a mysterious hanger dubbed Area 51.

The latest excitement at Roswell stems from a series of events that occurred several days earlier in the skies over Dubuque, Iowa. The pilot of a commercial airliner bound for Chicago's Ohare International Airport, reported seeing several fireballs that crossed the path of the plane. The copilot corroborated the pilot's account of the incident and added that the objects were moving a great rate of speed on a course parallel to that of the 747 jet.

Purportedly, there was also a report that Air Force F-22 Raptor fighter/interceptors were scrambled when NORAD radar picked up an unidentified aircraft entering U.S. air space over Salt Lake City, Utah. Although unsubstantiated, the pilot of the jet said that the object then split into several smaller objects, presumably breaking up in the earth's atmosphere.

At an undisclosed location several residents of Ohio have been reporting strange objects falling from the sky. They claim that they heard sonic booms followed seconds later by fiery objects striking the ground. Said a corn farmer, "When I heard the 'booms,' at first I thought it was National Guard planes on maneuvers in the area. But when I saw the fireballs, I figured it was a meteor."

Although government officials are denying the witnesses' reports, several farmers insisted they saw and heard the objects. One old man stated, "I thought there was gonna be a big explosion when it struck the ground, like that one that wiped out the dinosaurs. Can you believe it, all I heard was a big 'splat' and there was one God-awful smell!" A Kentucky man claimed he was struck in the head by one of the objects. "Tarnation! It split my head open and I thought my brains was a-spillin' out," he said, "...And the stink! I never knowed that one's brains stunk lack that."

A West Virginia woman claims that one of the objects struck the windshield of her Yugo. "Lawd," she said, "I thought fer sure it was gwonna shatter the glass. Danged if it didn't just splatter 'gainst the glass." Throughout rural Appalachia there been similar reports of what are being referred to as "soft meteors" falling from the sky. The precise location of these strikes are being closely guarded and witnesses have been sequestered in the best interest of national security.

Teams of scientists, bacteriologists, ecologists, etc., have been scouring the mountains to collect the soft meteorites.

In covert operations, all of the located material was loaded into trucks and hauled away under heavy military security. It was immediately assumed and therefore rumored that the meteorite remnants were being shipped to Area 51. It wasn't long after before the rumors hit the streets of Roswell.

Business owners and opportunists alike immediately began setting up kiosks full of UFO and alien-related souvenirs. One elderly town official and entrepreneur was seen lugging large cases from his attic and cellar. It turns out that nearly 50 years ago he purchased several hundred cases of a Quaker Foods cereal by the name of Quisp. "I knew that someday those alien fellers would return," he told reporters. "So I thought why not collect a bunch of that cereal for the big day? See, it even has a picture of a cute friendly alien on it!"

While there is excitement of possible windfall sales in Roswell, hysteria reigned supreme in other parts of the country.

After extensive testing scientists have discovered that the meteorites are composed of living tissues and cells which contain enzymes and amino acids among other organic substances. They are even more baffled however by the presence of both proteins and vegetable matter. All the while, these experts have had to wear masks and breathing apparatus because of the stench being emitted from the objects.

This Blogger is greatly disappointed by the ineptitude of these so-called specialists in their respective fields. I'm certain that my conjecture is correct and it has taken me far less time to arrive at my conclusion than all those scientists with their haughty titles and impressive doctorate degrees.

I had to look no further than the daily newspaper and TV news broadcasts. I didn't need spectrometers, microscopes, DNA testing, etc. All I needed was my mouse and an Internet connection.

Did they not pay attention to the recent trouble up there in the International Space Station? Hello? For your information you rocket scientists, the only toilet up there isn't working. It's broken. What do you suppose is happening with all that - ahem - waste that has been deposited in the head?

Well, it seems that some of those astronauts up there have decided to do more than walk in space! Someone else up there went ahead and pulled the chain anyway! Just like Clarence Birdseye's process of "quick-freezing," the stuff was frozen solid. In a day or so all that frozen material finally got caught in earth's gravity. Can you say: "What goes up, must come down?"

Because the material was so frozen only a thin layer of it burnt away upon entry into the atmosphere. It was pretty much thawed out by the time it hit the earth's surface and/or anything that happened to be in line with its downward trajectory.

So get a grip people. We are not being invaded by some superior race of conquerors. They only invade those worlds that are populated by intelligent life forms.

To the government officials, military leaders and scientists, I say if you're not going to pay attention to the news or read the papers - then turn on your computers, get on the Internet and type "It Occurred To Me" into your browser. Once there, look for this posting dated Thursday 5/29/08.

Don't get offended when you I shush. (Sh...)It Came From Outer Space!



Skunkfeathers said...

So it was just a wave of alien projectile vomiting, caused by their passing our unpristine planet?

Nuts...that idiot in Denver is gonna be disappointed that he's wasting a petition now...

Hale McKay said...

Ah yes, that guy. Yup kinda lays waste to his to cushy desk job he was seeking.