Ho-Ho-Ho Hum Christmas

One thing is assured around here, we're going to have a snow-covered white Christmas. The snow that fell between the afternoon of Friday the 12th and Saturday morning buried the Boston area with an average of 14 inches. It took me from 11am until 3 in the afternoon to clean out my driveway and the front and back stairs.

It was disheartening to hear the meteorologists tell us that Sunday afternoon we could expect another 5 to 6 inches which would in turn switch over to rain and then sleet. Alas, their forecasts hit the nail on the head.

I ran a special sale last week on snowmen. Sales have been slow however, so slow that I haven't sold a single one yet. As such, I am now running a 2 for 1 sale this week. That's right, two snowmen for the price of one. So far, I still haven't had any sales.

Come on people! How often can you buy one of anything and get another one free?

These snowmen (some assembly required) are one of a kind. No two are alike. Each one is made from only the finest quality snow, and is guaranteed to be 100% pure New England snow.

Bring your boxes, buckets, or barrels - any container you want and fill them to overflowing if you wish. Got a truck? Fill your truck bed! Our helpful staff will even supply the shovels.

Come on down. Bring the kids. Bring the whole family. Don't forget your grandmas, you know they cannot turn away from a bargain.

Our snowmen come in easy to assemble kits. All you need to complete your very own snowman are a button nose, two eyes made out of coal and a corncob pipe. If you find one, an old silk hat will add an air of sophistication to your snowman.

Folks, maybe you don't like your typical white snowmen? I am prepared to sell customized snowmen to those of you with a flare for fashion. For the first time ever, I have set aside one corner of the display yard with you in mind. Specially trained dogs in the neighborhood have dyed the snow an alluring shade of yellow. I call these snowmen the "Lemon Line."

Alas and alack, it looks like that tomorrow, Christmas Eve, I'm going to have to try to give them away for free!

I have to face the facts. It's not that people don't want to buy my snowmen. Their budgets apparently won't allow them to purchase extravagant goods these days.

It's certainly not looking promising for the Snowman Industry this year. Snowman futures on the floors of the Mercantile Exchanges are at an all time low. Myself and other snow farmers and snowman manufacturers are faced with protesting Washington. If they are going to throw around billions of dollars to bail out the financial institutions and the auto makers, then they need to take a look at the small businesses.

It has been rumored that even the toy makers, like Saint Nick Enterprises, North Pole Toys 'R' Us, and Claus' Closet are considering bankruptcy procedures.

Kris Kringle, in a press conference recently announced that his lap will be retired. He will bring in his daughter Cristine Kringle to handle lap duties; taking children's wishes and also offering lap dances to kids' fathers.

Yes, the economic woes of our country are having a terrible trickle-down effect on all of us. Christmas this year is going to be stressful for a lot of poor souls this year.

With the elves unable to purchase the raw materials to add to Rudolph's feed bag, he won't get the necessary nutrients to power his shiny red nose. That would mean that the other reindeer would have to be fitted with battery-operated lights on their antlers. There will then be a shortage of batteries, which in turn will force Cristine Kringle to charge more for her services.

Trickle-down effect indeed! Now I ask you, how am I going to afford a lap dance?

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