Early Man: the Fuggin' Truth

Anthropology - the study of ancient man.

Paleo-blog-ology - the act of lifting material from one's archives and posting it as new material.

(The following was originally posted on 3/5/06.)

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Little is known today of prehistoric man's life. We have learned a lot about our ancestor from his fossil remains. We have an idea of how he coped with his savage world by his crude tools that he left behind.

Lost with the passage of time is how he interacted with the others of his species. One can only wonder how many arguments took place between the inhabitants of neighboring caves.

"Say Fug, you finished using that sharp piece of flint I loaned you last week?" Glug asked his next door neighbor one day. "I just bagged a mastodon. I need it so I can cut off a couple of steaks for supper."

"I returned it the next day, Glug."

Whether it was returned or not we may never know. There was an inevitable falling out between the neighbors. The friendship ended when Glug broke his favorite club over Fug's head.

The blow to the head affected Fug so severely that he began to have strange thoughts. He began to wonder about the world around him. Among these genuine signs of awareness, Fug wondered why Glug's thud was bigger than his. He wondered why Glug's wife had bigger boom-booms than his own wife. He would never know it, but Fug had unwittingly invented jealousy.

Later that day Fug carried his wife to the edge of the precipice and threw her to the canyon floor. He had just invented divorce. He documented this act by the paintings he put on the living room wall of his cave. Shown above, the world's first comic strip was also the first known example of graffiti.

Forced to return to the dating scene, Fug did manage to pickup a few women. If his attempts at small talk failed, he returned to the time-tested clubbing method. In doing so, he invented one night stands. He had been working on a few things to say to the females when he met them. That's right, Fug invented pick-up lines.

His favorite line was to first point to himself and then to her and say, "Fug ... You!" Eventually this line came to be a less than dignified one, unless it was preceded by "I want to." In time Fug began to draw pictures of his conquests onto dried animal skins and hang them on the wall above his head. Yes, you guessed it, he also invented the pinup.

When he realized he liked looking at the pictures, he got the idea to make copies of them to sell to his fellow cavemen. His project failed, but an ascendant of his would become very rich with the same idea five thousand years hence. In a way, he was responsible for pornography.

On one particularly cold evening he was rubbing one of his drawings over his crotch, probably afraid they would freeze off! The piece of leather rubbing across this area felt so good he began to rub harder and faster. Inexplicably a spark flew and ignited his pile of pictures at the very instant he felt release. In that one moment he had both discovered fire and had also invented masturbation. It must have felt fuggin' good, because it became a regular practice - even to this day.

Fug was also the inventor of card games. At first they played only clubs. Hearts was too messy. Spades hadn't been invented yet. Diamonds had yet to be discovered. What would become a common practice eons later, Fug would have friends over for a game of poker. Their version of the game of poker had the winner getting to sleep with the other's wife, and that's how the game got its name. (Yup, he got to poke her!) Fug had, once again unbeknownst to himself, invented something - wife swapping.

Although it is probably lost forever in the deep underbelly of cyberspace, Fug had also invented the Blug. His Blug would become the the forerunner of the modern day Blog. His diary, under the title of "Fug ... Me," if stumbled across would be called the Holy Grail of web sites.

In his own words, that blow to the head probably fuggin' hurt like hell. He was certainly one fugged up Neanderthal to his neighbors. You will find this posting hard to believe and will scoff at its authenticity, I'm sure.

If Fug was here to speak for me he would just shrug and say, "Fug you, it's the fuggin' truth!"

№ 1796