Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Flushing Out Some Laughs

"I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes!" -- Andy Rooney

A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other,

"There is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?"

The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either."

The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"

The second man says, "No, sorry!"

The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"

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A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.

The man tells the little boy, "I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries."

The little boy looks up at the man and says, "I don't know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries."

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An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"

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Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

The other woman turned to her and said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"

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What's dumb?
Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?
Reading them.

Even dumber?
Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all?
Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.

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There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.

The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

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Price Check

When Jane reached the check-out, she learned that one of her items ad no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 12, TAMPAX (Tampons), SUPERSIZE."

If that was bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word "tampax" for "thumbtacks".

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a HAMMER?"



Sandee said...

Bwahahahahaha. They are all good, but the Tampax one had me laughing out loud.

Have a terrific day. :)

Hale McKay said...


Into each life - there is a need for some occasional toilet humor.