Just who is responsible for these horrible plays on words anyway? I would put the blame squarely on the shoulders of Julius Caesar. Of course, Willie Shakespeare was busy gorging himself on a plate of bangers whilst doing research for his play about the Roman Emperor's tragic demise. He screwed up that climactic assassination by inserting misplaced dialogue into the scene.
For your edification, I give you the correct scenario that yielded Julie Caesar's famous words:
You see it was on the day of the big annual carnival which was known as the "Rides of March." After grabbing himself something to eat at the barbecue pit Caesar ran into old friend Brutus. They shot the shit for awhile and checked out all the babes in their tight togas.
As he'd already eaten, he turned down the offer to join Brutus to get something to eat saying to him that he'd already eaten.
Said Brutus, "I heard the hamburgers are really good. Did you have any?"
To which Caesar replied, " Et two, Brute."
So be prepared to giggle or gag - depending on your intestinal PUN-itude.
□ □ - Two German lads named Hans and Fritz were walking gingerly along a narrow mountain ridge with their mother close behind. Below them was a drop of five thousand feet.
- Fritz suddenly discovered that their mother had disappeared. He called up to his brother, "Look Hans - no mom."
□ □ - An East German sausage maker sent a package to his son who was going to school in the U.S.
- When his son wrote informing him that the package had never arrived, the man cabled back to him, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come!"
□ □ - During the Revolutionary War a British soldier, seeking food for his fellow troops, tripped inside of a well-stock chicken coop. He fell heavily to onto the floor, whereupon he was pinned down by a belligerent Rhode Island Red rooster.
A Chinese cook employed by the American colonist owners came upon the scene, chuckled and said,
- "Chicken catch a Tory."
□ □ - The Maharajah of an Indian province once decreed that no wild animals could be killed by the populace. Soon the province was overrun by man-eating tigers, elephants and boars. The long-suffering people finally could stand it no longer and gave the Maharajah the heave-ho.
- It was was the first instance on record where the reign was called on account of game.
□ □ - A San Antonio restaurateur has this printed atop the dessert list on his menus:
- "Remember the ala mode."
□ □ - A farmer had an ambitious son who went to New York to make his fortune. The breaks were against him, however, and he ended up as a bootblack at the Kennedy airport.
- The father continued to work his farm - he makes hay while the son shines.
□ □ - A Texas rancher who lived in a home on the range, is suing for divorce.
- It seems he found his dear and an interloper playing.
□ □ - A poker-loving spiritualist needed another player for a Saturday-night session and summoned the ghost of a departed companion. The ghost was delighted to sit in on the game, and on the very first hand drew five hearts. He bet his stack.
- Unfortunately, one of the flesh-and-blood players had a pat full house and raked in the pot - just one more time when the spirit was willing but the flush was weak.
□ □ - A policeman, responding to a call of a domestic dispute, arrived on the scene to find the husband unconscious on the floor. The wife admitted to hitting him on the noggin with a heavy glass pitcher.
- He said to his partner, "That's one lady who conks to stupor."
□ □ - Of all of King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table, there was one who is often overlooked in history. No less gallant than his more famous companions, Sir Marmaduke performed many a deed of derring-do. Unlike his brethren, this knight did not ride atop a mighty horse, choosing instead to gallop into battle mounted on a St. Bernard dog.
One evening during the Crusades, he and his mount were caught in a torrential thunderstorm. Seeking shelter at a nearby tavern, they were asked by the room clerk, "Have you a reservation?"
"No," admitted Sir Marmaduke.
"Sorry," said the clerk, "no room without a reservation." It was at that moment that the clerk discovered that Marmaduke was sitting astride his faithful St. Bernard.
"Hold on," said the clerk, "I'll see if I can find something for you."
- "I wouldn't put out a knight on a dog like this."