CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and the acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations later this year.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R Grace Co. will merge and become ~~ Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.№ 1789
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros, and Zesta Saltines join forces and become ~~ Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become ~~ MMM Good.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Defasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ~~ ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS and become ~ ~ FedUp.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become~~Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become ~~ Knott NOW.
8. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name~~ TittytittyBangBang.
9. Simplicity Patterns and publishing giant Simon & Schuster will be known as~~Simple Simon
10. A merger of the Bush Bean Co. and Maria Callendar Foods will produce~~Same Shit Different Day