Now don't you go getting all hot and bothered! This post has nothing to do with explicit sex or things carnal.
When I recently had to spend some time in the hospital, I was barraged with a plethora of confusing medical terms. Like legal terminology, "doctor-ese" can be quite onerous to a patient and his or her family.
I got hold of the latest edition of a medical dictionary and decided to perform some serious surgery on the entries found therein. As an aid to future patients, I offer the following compendium of medical terms.
Be very afraid if you see this issue of a medical dictionary in your doctor's office.
Alimentary: Sherlock Holmes' favorite word.
Alkaline: Baseball player who played for the Detroit Tigers.
Artery: The study of paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
Barium: What the families do when patients die.
Benign: What you be after you be eight.
Blood Count: Dracula.
Cardioplasty: The act of paying with American Express.
Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan: Searching for kitty.
Cauterize: (1) Made eye contact with her. (2) To recite lines from "Welcome Back, Kotter."
Chemo: A poplular style of pants.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Colon: First name of General Powell.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
Concussion: Bad language from an inmate.
Cranium: A museum for construction equipment.
D & C: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Duodenum: Two pairs of dungarees.
Enema: Not a friend.
Fester: (1) Quicker than someone else. (2) Addams Family uncle.
Fibula: A small lie.
Flat Line: Road kill on a safari route.
Fibrillate: A lie explaining why one is tardy.
Genital: Non-Jewish person.
G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.
Gland: Chinese for one thousand.
Gout: Southern command to leave (Get out!)
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
IV: (1)Roman number 4, (2)Greenery that grows on walls.
Keratosis: Allergy to rabbit food.
Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Lumbar: (1) Wood cut from fallen trees. (2) Actress loved by actor Gable.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.
Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
Node: Was aware of.
Optic Nerve: A characteristic of a voyeur.
Organ: A state on the west coast.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.
Paralyze: Not one but two falsehoods.
Parasites: Choice of two places to meet.
Pelvis: A nickname given to Elvis.
Post Operative: A letter carrier.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Darn near killed him.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Stool: A seat in a barroom.
Surgeon: A fish that is source for caviar.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor: More than one.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Varicose: Nearby, close by.
Ward: Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver's father.