Naked and Raw: A Medical Dictionary

Sometimes to get the creative juices flowing, it helps to be unencumbered by clothing. It allows one to contemplate the navel. Belly button lint aside, one cannot help but to think about things anatomical.

Now don't you go getting all hot and bothered! This post has nothing to do with explicit sex or things carnal.

When I recently had to spend some time in the hospital, I was barraged with a plethora of confusing medical terms. Like legal terminology, "doctor-ese" can be quite onerous to a patient and his or her family.

I got hold of the latest edition of a medical dictionary and decided to perform some serious surgery on the entries found therein. As an aid to future patients, I offer the following compendium of medical terms.

Be very afraid if you see this issue of a medical dictionary in your doctor's office.

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Alimentary: Sherlock Holmes' favorite word.

Alkaline: Baseball player who played for the Detroit Tigers.

Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What the families do when patients die.

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Blood Count: Dracula.

Cardioplasty: The act of paying with American Express.

Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan: Searching for kitty.

Cauterize: (1) Made eye contact with her. (2) To recite lines from "Welcome Back, Kotter."

Chemo: A poplular style of pants.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Colon: First name of General Powell.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

Concussion: Bad language from an inmate.

Cranium: A museum for construction equipment.

D & C: Where Washington is.

Dilate: To live long.

Duodenum: Two pairs of dungarees.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: (1) Quicker than someone else. (2) Addams Family uncle.

Fibula: A small lie.

Flat Line: Road kill on a safari route.

Fibrillate: A lie explaining why one is tardy.

Genital: Non-Jewish person.

G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.

Gland: Chinese for one thousand.

Gout: Southern command to leave (Get out!)

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

IV: (1)Roman number 4, (2)Greenery that grows on walls.

Keratosis: Allergy to rabbit food.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Lumbar: (1) Wood cut from fallen trees. (2) Actress loved by actor Gable.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.

Node: Was aware of.

Optic Nerve: A characteristic of a voyeur.

Organ: A state on the west coast.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.

Paralyze: Not one but two falsehoods.

Parasites: Choice of two places to meet.

Pelvis: A nickname given to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Darn near killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Stool: A seat in a barroom.

Surgeon: A fish that is source for caviar.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor: More than one.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

Varicose: Nearby, close by.

Vein: Conceited.

Ward: Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver's father.

№ 1790