Redneck Doings

I've started this post with some redneck doings listed state by state:

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head".

"Yep", he replied. "That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .'

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered proudly, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

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I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair... I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' f**k."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to f**k." "

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Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.

One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"

The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"

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A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist? "

The man says,"I mount animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

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This guy was suspecting his wife of cheating on him, so he hired a professional CHINESE Private Detective to follow her.

Here is his report. (Should be read with a Chinese accent):

Woman leave home, me follow woman. She go downtown, I go downtown. She go to mall, I go to mall. She met HE, HE met she. She go to motel, He go to motel. She go upstairs, he go upstairs. Me to see climb the tree. She go to room, he go to room. She take off her clothes, He take off his clothes. She play with He, He play with she...Me play with me, me fell out of tree!

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An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him.

He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"

The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

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№ 1786