"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the f_ _ _ was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"Happy Anniversary, my dear husband. They say the mind is the first thing to go ... let me be the first to say - It's a god-damned lie!"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'till I met you."
"As the days go by, everyday I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"When I said I love to look at your boobs, I didn't mean your two brothers could move in with us."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"Thanks for being part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take the knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday!You look great for your age.....Almost lifelike!"
"When we were together you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew that day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!!" (Available only in Kentucky!)
"They say you're only as old as you feel. From the looks of you, you must feel like crap!"
"You wonder why I left you for a younger man. Honestly, it was hard!"
"Honey, I've grown accustomed to having you around, but it isn't it time you tried one of those diets?"
We're often reminded to keep our medicines out of the reach of children, but maybe we should keep our candies out of the reach of our senior citizens.
....Are you worried whether or not your parents or grandparents are taking their prescribed meds? Soon there will be a lot of Halloween candy lying around - candy that could be mistaken for their meds!
Just post the following chart on their refrigerator: