Wisdumb In Them Thar Hills

Iffin you wuz to try to fail and succeeded, which one have you done?

Gosh! I'm sorry to throwed that atch y'all. I wudn't want to go make yer l'il pea-pickin' brains to get over-tacksed. It's jest coz that there dilemon's been a botherin' me to no end.

I ain't none too sure, but I think that kind of thinkin' is called logic. I reckon it's sorta like thinkin' outside the box. Now, I don't see no use innit a-tall. I mean, iffin somebody wuz to go and put me in a box, right straight I wud be thinkin' bout gettin' outta that box. Tarnation, anybody wiffin haff a brain wud be doin' the same thing!

Course, I'll be danged iffin' I can think of any reason why anyone wud let someone put them in a box in the firs' place, exceptin' if they wuz dead! And iffin they wuz dead, how are they s'posed to think bout gettin' outta the box?

I knows a lotta folks what's a-livin' who ain't none too good at thinkin', and that applies to most of the people what lives in these here hills. But I ain't ever met nary a dead person what can think, much less one what ever got outta the coffin.

I'll bet I dun hornswoggled the lot of y'all wiffin all that ramblin' bout logic and a-thinkin' outside the box. It don't make no sense, duz it? Yer durn tootin' it duzn't.

Well, I'm a-gonna to let y'all in on a secret. I dun figgered it out all by my lonesome! Yep, I did. Ya see it's like this, Big Ernie up yonder dun gave us brains to think wiff. Now his 'tenshuns wuz fer us to use them brains fer thinkin' whilst we are livin' and afore someone puts us in a box coz we's dead. So's ya see, we are s'posed to think outside the box.

Sure as my name is Cletus Clyde, I dun come to the 'clusion that "thinkin' outside the box" is one of them metalfors what they teached us bout in school. Ya know, maybe they's somethin' to that logic stuff after all.

They's one more thing what makes my brain busier than a cat tryin' to cover its poop on a marble floor. I reckon it must be anudder one of them metalfors what people say instead of jest sayin' what they mean.

Did anyone ever say to you to "read between the lines"? I ask ya, what kind of hair-brained thing is that to say? I tell you what, I got a spearmint fer you to try out. Wiffin that mouse thingy in yer hand jest mosey on up to some of the stuff I already writ up yonder.

Now, pick one them lines of words what has another line of words d'rectly neath it. Okay, now I defy you to read what's been writ tween them. You can't, can you?

Course not! They's nothin' writ there. They's nothin' but white tween them lines of words. I swear on my pack of Mail Pouch that I did not writ anything in white so as to trick ya!

Now see here, I dun got to the sixth grade by the time I wuz twenty-two, so that oughtta prove that I'm not a dumb idjit. Since I 'splained that "thinkin' outside the box" stuff to ya, won't someone try to 'splain what "readin' tween the lines" is s'posed to mean?

Well, afore I calls it a night I wanna tell y'all bout the awful nightmare I had today whilst I wuz a nappin'. I'm still a-shakin' from it. I ain't been that scared since I picked up a Chinese prostitute and came down with lead poisonin'.

I wuz a dreamin' that I wuz a-ridin' shotgun in a Toyota a-crossin' a bridge and Ted Kennedy wuz a drivin'.

Scary ain't it?

№ 1931