Holiday Organs and Toilets

Flu Shot Substitute

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
....One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
....When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
.... "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
...."Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Don't you just love using public toilets? Have you ever been totally disgusted by public restrooms? Of course you have. We all have! So here's a little musical tribute to those throne rooms of filth.


Clean Toilet*
(Sung to the tune of "White Christmas")

I'm dreamin' of a clean toilet,
Just like the one I use at home,
Where the clean seat glistens,
And no one listens
To hear flushing when you're done.

I'm dreamin' of a clean toilet
With every tissue I use to wipe,
May your seat be shiny and bright,
And may all your toilets ... be white.

*This song was sponsored by Ladys Home Urinal.


No.824

Follow That Star !

Dateline: 2006, New York City - (MAGI press story) - Today in Downtown Manhattan, three Eastern Kings hailed a cab on Broadway. Bearing gifts, they reportedly said to the hack, also a Middle Easterner, "Follow that star!"
....The Must Always Gag Information news service reported that it was the middle of the day and no stars were visible in the bright sunlit sky.
....It was later learned they were chasing Paris Hilton. (They loved her video.) They had a lot of money and wished to sign up to be in her next feature film, "It Came Upon The Midnight Clear."

Santa Baby

Ever wonder what Santa does the other 364 days of the year? That's when he gets his presents. He receives them from those who have been naughty and nice!

Believe you me, he's checking that list more than once and he's definitely checking it more than twice!

Five will get you ten that Santa's favorite song is Santa Claus Is Coming To Town ! Where do you think all those elves came from?

Because you asked for it, Lime , here is your song. I just happened to have the perfect cartoon to accompany this joyous holiday ditty.

We Three Stooges of Dubya Are
(Sung to the tune of We Three Kings)

We three stooges of Dubya are
Getting rich with soldiers afar;
Condi and Cheney, Rumsey so zany
Following Super Tsar.

(Chorus:)
O, Tsar of Blunder, Tsar of Blight,
Tsar who thinks he's always right,
Eastward attacking, proof he's lacking,
Dragging us into his fight.

Born a babe, silver spoon in his mouth
And now the Republicans have gone south
Tsar rambling, Tsar gambling
His big foot in his mouth.

(Chorus:)

No.815

O Little Clown Who's President

As I am sometimes wont to do, I like to parody songs. With Christmas fast approaching there is a plethora of carols from which to choose.

I was in a quandary. Which one should I parody? At first, I experimented with the words: O Come Let Us Ignore Him.... Then I toyed with: Oh, Tsar of Blunder, Tsar of Blight.... Another had possibilities: You're a mean one, Mr. President..

Then lo and behold, I found the caricature at the above right. Now just what song could possibly tie in with that cartoon? The parodied title and subject fit like a glove: Oh Little Clown Who's President...So clear your throats and take a sip of whatever libation is close at hand and sing along...

Oh Little Clown Who's President
(sung to the tune of Oh Little Town of Bethlehem)

Oh little clown who's President, we still hear how thee lied
About thy fears of terrorists and the weapons that they hide.
You neath satin sheets somehow manage to fall asleep tonight,
Despite the hopes and fears of our troops while they fight.

Should we attempt another number? Sure, why not? I'm a sandwich! (translation: sandwich = on a roll)~(Note to self: delete this awful pun)

The Dubya's Song
(Sung to the tune of The Grinch's Song)

You're a mean one, Mr. President,
You really are a jerk,
You're as welcome as a rash,
You're a real piece of work, Mr. President,
You're a megalomaniac gone berserk!

You're an idiot, Mr. President,
Your heart pumps oil,
Your brain is full of grandeur,
Your smile can make milk spoil, Mr. President,
You should be wrapped with thirty-nine-and-a-half feet of foil!

You're a coward, Mr. President,
You're a mealy mouthed punk,
Your heart is as cold as an icebox,
Your Party is all but sunk, Mr. President,
The three words that best describe how I should feel, and I quote,
"Drink, drank, drunk"!

No.814