The Right Tool For The Job

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
....The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
...."What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.
....The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
...."I sure do."
...."Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
...."That's real good!" says the redneck.
....The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
....Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
...."And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
...."That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.
...."Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
...."You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"
....The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
...."So what classes are ya takin' ?" asks the friend.
...."Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
...."What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
...."Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
...."No," his friend replied.
...."You're GAY, ain't ya?"

Hanging In There

I have mixed emotions on the death penalty, and such it is a topic I usually avoid. However, I do feel that the execution of Saddam Hussein was justified.
....Having said that, I received the following pics in an e-mail. I couldn't help myself, but I found them to be both poignant and funny at the same same. (Thanks, Donald.)


For those who may be bothered or offended by the the pics above, I apologize for the morbid humor.

No.854

A Redneck Night Before Christmas*

You might be saying (groan) - "Not another Redneck Christmas posting!" Miss Cellania put up a different version. They are both pretty good on their own merits.

A Redneck Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a durn thing was a movin', from the front to the back.

The kids was in bed, ...we had nine at the time,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine.

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler moaned,
All ten dogs on the porch howled and groaned.

The boys were all dreamin' of dogs and guns,
For huntin' God's creatures, .....there's no better fun!

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume.

The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I just wanted my pickup down off the blocks.

Then out in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught in our new 'bobwar' fence.

I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin' that racket, was good Ol' St. Nick.

You may think of Santa in your own mind's eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit but, I've got a surprise.

That old boy's an Arkie, from up near Mt. Gaylor,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up to razorback pigs!

He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.

He looked at the milk and cookies on the coffee table
He cursed and muttered, "What, no Carlings Black Label?"

He turned toward the tree, his eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy from his head to his toe.

His neck was a red one, his shirt said "Lite Beer",
He had no red hat on, but his cap read "John Deere".

He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and away in the night.

He fell in the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, "Get the heck out th' way!"

I ran out to ask him why he brought such good cheer;
But instead he just asked me, "Did you get you a deer?"

Then I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
"Merry Christmas to all..... an to all, a good night!"

*This was "borrowed" from that most prolific of authors, Anonymous. (Although I did add the lines with coffee table and Carlings Black Label.)

No.835

Redneck Turkey Day

You might have had a Redneck Thanksgiving if..

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.

And now, some Thanksgiving jokes:

Stuffed Turkey

Young Billy Bob was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen,
watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
...."What are you doing?" Bruno asked.
"Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey," his grandmother replied.
...."That's cool!" Billy Bob said. "Are you going to hang it next to the deer?"

Bigger Bird

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
....She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
...."Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
....Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"
....She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
....The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

No.803

Neckin' Lack A Redneck

I'm about as hi-tech as a Redneck with electric Christmas lights on his outhouse! So rather than spend a lot of money on one those Blackberry devices, I picked one up at this generator site. As you can see, I figured out how to input text messages.
....There is one drawback though, I have to keep going back to create a new one for every message. This hi-tech stuff can be onerous. I'll send a couple more text messages to you later on in this posting.
....Ah yes, the posting. For my 800th post, I have decided to digress to my Redneck roots in good old West Virginny. You can learn a lot about love from Rednecks.

How Does A Redneck Woman Know Her Man Really Loves Her?

Redneck men ain't known for bein' sweet talkers or expressin' their feelings. So the women have to look for signs.*

*Some of the following came from Uncle Ralph, the "Dear Abby" of Trailer Trash:

1. Does he have your name tattooed on his body?

2. Did he ever give you a beer can wind chime?

3 Is he comfortable enough to let rip loud farts without feeling the need to apologize?

4. Has he ever given you a 6 pack of PBR?

5. Has he ever called you at 3am while drunk out of his mind 'cause his pickup brokedown?

6. He actually doesn't watch a NASCAR race to spend time with you.

7. If he changes an old name that was tattooed on him and puts yours on his neck.

8. If he puts the 2 quarts of oil in your 1981 Chevette in a driving rainstorm so you can get to the store to bring back another 12 pack of Old Milwaukee.

9. He joins you under the covers after he holds your head under them when sharing a great fart with you.

10. He wraps up a dish drainer and puts it under the christmas tree for you.

11. When he calls you while he's on a date with someone else.

12. When he calls you up in the middle of the night from jail just to hear your voice.

13. Nothing says "I Love You!" like ointment.

14. He ask you exclusively for lap dances.

15. He will accept you as you are even if you are fat, he will accept your flaws and he will say its ok no ones perfect and he's not going to tell you to change your character just to please him. He ain't gonna change either.

16. When he buys you a used set of dentures at the swap meet.

17. When he lets you sit next to him in his truck instead of his dogs.

18. He gives you a lap dance in his skivvies.

19. When no matter how drunk he is or how late it is he always manages to drive back from the bar and find his way into bed with a half can of beer for you.

20. When you're on bed rest while carrying one of his enormous children, he'll stop watching WWE long enough to get you a Dairy Queen Chili Dog.

21. When he lets you drink his beer

22. When he gives you tips on how to properly rip, waft, and enjoy a fart while in the truck with the windows up on a hot day.

23. When he takes you into a strip club and is worried about the men hitting on you instead of him focusing on the strippers.

24. He spits out his chewing tobacco before kissing you.

25. When he holds your hair back when your puking because you drank too much and doesn't bring it up later.

26. When he picks you up from prison and you find the trailer is still the same. Even the old dishes are still in the sink.

27. When he tells you "I don't wanna have sex with you any more," and instead says "I wanna make love to you". (Ain't no reported cases of this happenin'.)

28. When you had a hard day at work and you come home and he rubs your feet and brings you dinner in bed before you go out to slop the pigs.

29. When he actually washes his hair and combs it when he comes over to see you.

30. When he hangs out all day with your 16 year old sister while your at work just so she won't be lonely.

31. When he finally trust you enough to let you clean the gunk out of his ears.

32. When he don't get mad when your mama gets drunk and slaps him in the face.

33. When he finally says your name while in bed instead of some other girl's name.

34. When he actually picks you over going drinking with the guys.

35. When he licks the skillets so you don't have to wash them.

800 posts and nearly 35,000 hits would not have been possible without you, dear readers. Your comments and kind words gave me the incentive to keep posting. Not all of them were good or funny, but it's nice to know that somebody somewhere may have had a chuckle every now and then. Will there be 800 more? I hope so, I enjoy it too much for it to come to an end.

No. 800

150 Clues You Married a Redneck

It's a Redneck Romance if...


You propositioned the reverend's wife.

Any of your fantasies involve Wal-Mart.

You had to take gum out of your mouth to kiss the bride.

You think hors d'oeuvres are those girls at the intersection downtown.

Your wife would rather fish off the bridge than shop for clothes.

You whistle at women in church.

Any of your children were conceived at a traffic signal.

You give your marital status as "often."

You met your wife through the personal ads in Bowhunter magazine.

You think a sex change means trying the backseat.

Two of your weddings made America's Funniest Home Videos.

You took your honeymoon photos to Show-and-Tell.

You've ever lost a wedding ring in a poker game.

You learned the facts of life by watching dogs.

Proposing to your wife included the words "when I get out."

Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.

Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend's tattoos.

You've ever had to move a baby seat to make love.

You practice "safe sex" by putting on the emergency brake.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You've ever opened a beer while making love.

The stripper at your bachelor party was your fiancee.

You've used food stamps on a date.

You delayed your wedding because of hunting season.

You taped WWF wrestling over your wedding video.

Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

Your wedding reception was a tailgate party.

Your wife sleeps on the couch every time you eat at Taco Bell.

You go to the laundromat to pick up women.

Some of your wedding gifts came from a flea market.

You and your wife compare beer bellies.

You consider dating second cousins to be "playing the field."

You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.

You honk your horn during love scenes at the drive-in.

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

Your wedding invitations say, "Same time, same place."

You honeymooned in the pop-up camper in your parents' backyard.

You've ever slow danced in a Waffle House.

You've ever used a duck whistle to call your wife.

Your wedding colors were hunting orange.

Your wife has a drip-dry wedding gown.

You keep a spittoon near the bed.

You've ever bought a wedding ring at a yard sale.

You had to postpone the wedding night because the feds were on the porch.

You knocked a hole in the bedroom wall during a romantic moment.

You first saw your wife on an Internet video.

The bride's bouquet had some poison ivy in it.

You use Saran Wrap when you practice safe sex.

You proposed to your wife at a dirt bike race.

The bride wore coveralls to the wedding.

You met your wife when your kids set you up with their truant officer.

You got bitten by your dog during a romantic moment.

Any of your wedding gifts came from the Army Navy store.

You saw Deliverance in a sex ed class.

You have to air out the bedroom after a romantic night.

The bride had a liquor flask hidden down her cleavage.

The bride's relatives brought a gun to the wedding.

You've ever told a woman you were a gynocologist.

The bride's relatives brought a bluetick hound to the wedding.

The photographer for the wedding photos also took your DUI mug shot.

You set a cage of pigeons loose after the wedding ceremony.

The tables at the reception were decorated with inflated condoms.

Some of the wedding party got lost on the way to the church.

You postponed the wedding because the federal agents broke the still.

Those three little words you whisper to your wife at night are "Pull my finger."

The only test you ever passed was the pregnancy test.

Your wife's great-great grandmother just had her sixtieth birthday.

You drove a tractor on your first date.

You signed the marriage certificate with an X.

You had to take the tobacco out of your mouth to kiss the bride.

Your kid made the wedding ring in shop class.

The prenuptial agreement mentioned a set of socket wrenches.

You gave your dog a turn on the vibrating bed.

You wrote your wedding vows on your rap sheet.

Your definition of "getting lucky" is finding a lottery ticket in your wife's jeans.

You met your wife on The Jerry Springer Show.

The most romantic moment in your life was captured on a security camera.

You think rug burns are a sexually transmitted disease.

Your wedding reception was a tailgate party.

If you've ever given your date flowers you stole from a cemetery

You've ever french-kissed within five feet of a dumpster.

You had your anniversary dinner at the food court in the mall.

In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.

You've ever hot-wired a motel vibrating bed.

Sex education at your school included advice on avoiding the steering wheel.

You have to roll up your sleeve and look at your arm to spell your wife's name.

You've ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your honeymoon hotel advertised "Truckers welcome."

You're making "rabbit ears" behind the bride in your wedding photos.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

You carried your bride over the threshold in a fork lift.

You got a new set of teeth as a wedding present.

Your current girlfriend was the midwife at the birth of your child.

Your wife puts candles on a pan of corn bread for your birthday.

A dating service matches you up with a relative.

You proposed while watching a football game out of the corner of your eye.

You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.

Your favorite pickup line is "Dang, are those things real?"

There were dogs in the church on your wedding day.

You had a prom night and a wedding night, but not in that order.

You remember the entire NASCAR schedule, but can't remember your wife's birthday.

For laughs, you watch your wife's delivery video backwards.

Your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding.

You've ever celebrated your wife's birthday in a tree.

You've ever used ketchup in the bedroom.

Your brother-in-law played the Wedding March on a kazoo.

Your wife can drink a gallon of hooch quicker than you can.

You confused shaving cream for whipped cream and didn't notice until morning.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wedding reception was catered by your previous wife.

Your will states your wife can't touch your money until she's 14.

At the wedding, you and your wife Instant Messaged your vows.

When people talk about the Big Easy, you think they are referring to your ex-girlfriend.

You proposed to your wife while working under your truck.

Your definition of "getting lucky" is passing the emissions test.

The last time you fought with your wife was on The Jerry Springer Show.

Your favorite sex position is "awake".

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You're making payments on more than one wedding ring.

You took your honeymoon photos to Ripley's Believe It Or Not.

You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.

You have to reschedule your wedding because the alimony payment was late.

The most romantic moment of your life was captured on a security camera.

You've ever flirted over a drive-thru window speaker.

Your bed is held together with baling wire.

Your belt buckle cost more than the wedding ring.

You go to the Jiffy Lube to pick up women.

Your wife ever had to use her Bear Spray on you.

Your wedding reception was catered by Hooters.

You refer to the van as the "Love Machine."

The first time you saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover charge.

You've ever had to hide a bra before you make love.

You've ever had sex in a satellite dish.

You wrote your girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom wall.

You met your wife when she came to repossess your pickup truck.

The menu for the wedding buffet included possum.

The champagne fountain at your wedding was full of beer.

Your favorite sex position is on all fours.

You can't remember what name you used on your marriage license.

You scheduled your wedding during a conjugal visit.

You hit on the midwife while your wife was in labor.

You married your wife for her socket set.

Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

You think "showing a girl a good time" means letting her bait the hook.

You gave your wife a glue gun for your anniversary.

You've ever won a wedding ring in a poker game.

Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

You had a marriage license before you had a driver's license.

You've ever told a bride, "You clean up pretty good."

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You and your wife stay married for the sake of the dogs.

No.776