Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Neckin' Lack A Redneck

I'm about as hi-tech as a Redneck with electric Christmas lights on his outhouse! So rather than spend a lot of money on one those Blackberry devices, I picked one up at this generator site. As you can see, I figured out how to input text messages.
....There is one drawback though, I have to keep going back to create a new one for every message. This hi-tech stuff can be onerous. I'll send a couple more text messages to you later on in this posting.
....Ah yes, the posting. For my 800th post, I have decided to digress to my Redneck roots in good old West Virginny. You can learn a lot about love from Rednecks.

How Does A Redneck Woman Know Her Man Really Loves Her?

Redneck men ain't known for bein' sweet talkers or expressin' their feelings. So the women have to look for signs.*

*Some of the following came from Uncle Ralph, the "Dear Abby" of Trailer Trash:

1. Does he have your name tattooed on his body?

2. Did he ever give you a beer can wind chime?

3 Is he comfortable enough to let rip loud farts without feeling the need to apologize?

4. Has he ever given you a 6 pack of PBR?

5. Has he ever called you at 3am while drunk out of his mind 'cause his pickup brokedown?

6. He actually doesn't watch a NASCAR race to spend time with you.

7. If he changes an old name that was tattooed on him and puts yours on his neck.

8. If he puts the 2 quarts of oil in your 1981 Chevette in a driving rainstorm so you can get to the store to bring back another 12 pack of Old Milwaukee.

9. He joins you under the covers after he holds your head under them when sharing a great fart with you.

10. He wraps up a dish drainer and puts it under the christmas tree for you.

11. When he calls you while he's on a date with someone else.

12. When he calls you up in the middle of the night from jail just to hear your voice.

13. Nothing says "I Love You!" like ointment.

14. He ask you exclusively for lap dances.

15. He will accept you as you are even if you are fat, he will accept your flaws and he will say its ok no ones perfect and he's not going to tell you to change your character just to please him. He ain't gonna change either.

16. When he buys you a used set of dentures at the swap meet.

17. When he lets you sit next to him in his truck instead of his dogs.

18. He gives you a lap dance in his skivvies.

19. When no matter how drunk he is or how late it is he always manages to drive back from the bar and find his way into bed with a half can of beer for you.

20. When you're on bed rest while carrying one of his enormous children, he'll stop watching WWE long enough to get you a Dairy Queen Chili Dog.

21. When he lets you drink his beer

22. When he gives you tips on how to properly rip, waft, and enjoy a fart while in the truck with the windows up on a hot day.

23. When he takes you into a strip club and is worried about the men hitting on you instead of him focusing on the strippers.

24. He spits out his chewing tobacco before kissing you.

25. When he holds your hair back when your puking because you drank too much and doesn't bring it up later.

26. When he picks you up from prison and you find the trailer is still the same. Even the old dishes are still in the sink.

27. When he tells you "I don't wanna have sex with you any more," and instead says "I wanna make love to you". (Ain't no reported cases of this happenin'.)

28. When you had a hard day at work and you come home and he rubs your feet and brings you dinner in bed before you go out to slop the pigs.

29. When he actually washes his hair and combs it when he comes over to see you.

30. When he hangs out all day with your 16 year old sister while your at work just so she won't be lonely.

31. When he finally trust you enough to let you clean the gunk out of his ears.

32. When he don't get mad when your mama gets drunk and slaps him in the face.

33. When he finally says your name while in bed instead of some other girl's name.

34. When he actually picks you over going drinking with the guys.

35. When he licks the skillets so you don't have to wash them.

800 posts and nearly 35,000 hits would not have been possible without you, dear readers. Your comments and kind words gave me the incentive to keep posting. Not all of them were good or funny, but it's nice to know that somebody somewhere may have had a chuckle every now and then. Will there be 800 more? I hope so, I enjoy it too much for it to come to an end.

No. 800

11 comments:

Steve G said...

Glad to see you going high tech. My idea of text messaging is a post it.

Peter said...

That's a lotta posts Mike, I've got 612 spread over 3 sites.

lime said...

oh my stars....that list was firghtening enough that i can no longer say my redneck doesn't love me....

happy 800th

jules said...

Here's to 800 more...past the Pabst.

Miss Cellania said...

Congratulations on your 800th post! Thats a bunch o' ritin'!

Jack K. said...

Congratulations!

800 posts.

It sure gives the rest of us a mark to work toward.

Thanks for sharing your life with us. Here's to at least another 800.

Jack K. said...

Yeah, and you're funny too.

snerx!

Top cat said...

wow! 800 posts.congrats.
Very funny post.
Oh by the way just in case there are non redneck readers reading this, PBR stands for Pabst Blue Ribbon.
It's what you drink when you run out of Carlings Black Label.LOL
tc

Christina said...

Looking forward to the next 800.

"Cheers!" (raises can of beer toward computer, then drinks)

Karen said...

happy 800 to you!

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