Monday, April 10, 2006

Letter To Cuzzin Bubba

Deer Cuzzin Bubba,

Dis the firs chance I got to answer your'n letter to me. I wuz mighty glad you had one swell time New Year's Eve at that fancy hotel and all. Yer lucky that lady waitress didn't haul off and kick you where Aunt Mae used to kiss us. Say, she ever git outa jail fer messin' wiffin that paperboy? From what I heared, he was a writin' her whilst she wuz in the hoosegow.
....Iffin you look at the address I'm sendin' this from, I cain't send it from Boston. That's 'cause I'm not in Boston no more until next week. I prob'ly shuda sent it last week 'fore I left there so's you cud get it from there. Since I'm writin' it now, you'll haf to read it frum sumwheres else. My boss done up and sent me and this woman, Hortense, clear plum 'cross the world to India. Bubba, I'll be damnated iffin they didn't put us on one of them airoplanes wiffin no 'prellers.
....Bubba, y'all ain't gonna be believin' this, but there ain't nary an Indian here a'tall. They's jest a bunch a walkin' 'round in sandals and robes. For a while we wuz a travelin' by plane, train, bus, rickshaw, camel and elephant to get to the place what we s'posed to be at. So I got a chance to see how they done did their drivin' over here. They only got two rules to drive by. Rule number one wuz that cows have the right of way. And number two wuz that there wuz no more rules.
....Tarnation, Bubba! They sure got themselves sum dumbass car makers over here. I cudn't believe what I wuz a seein' wiffin my own eyeballs! They done put the steerin' wheel where the durn glove box s'posed to be. An' the glove box wuz where a driver shud be a sittin.' I didn't look to see what it wuz they kept in there 'cause none of them wuz a wearin' gloves, least that I saw. They way they drive, I wud be takin' a stab that they's got a bottle of 'shine stashed in there. What, wiffin all the cows and elephants walkin' where the cars shud be, I know durn tootin' I sure wud be wantin' a swig or two iffin I wuz a'drivin.
....When we got to where it wuz we wuz a goin', we wuz met by sum man what wuz bein' called Sahib. They's have a pitcher of a funny lookin' fella that s'posed to be sum kind of hero over here. He sure had a funny soundin' name, I think it wuz Hotdamn Candy, least-wise that's what it sounded like to me. So we went to meet with a man who is gonna be runnin' the plant what's gonna make our product over here. They's gonna make it here and not in America on account they don't hafta pay so much money to their workers. I guess workin' in that fact'ry wiffin no fans makin' our stuff, must be better'n workin' for the highway d'partment shovelin' up after what all those cows and elephants been a dumpin' all over the streets. I guess them a makin' our stuff cheap-like, is gonna teach them all 'bout out-sourcin' like we do in the States.
....Well we shook hands with Sahib. He asked me about the woman wif me, "Is that Hortense?" Bein' polite and all, I was compelled to answer, " Oh no, Sahib. She's jest a little tired frum the jet lag." Why Hortense hauled off and hit me wiffin her pocketbook, I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea. Anyways, we got down to work to signin' some papers, us a signin' sum they had and them a signin' sum of our'n. They offered us sum food frum 'bout the biggest table you ever saw. Bubba, when I tell you that sum of that food looked and smelt like what the cows and elephants been depositin' on the streets, I thought your maw and my maw wudn't even slop the pigs wiffin any of it.
....As you can see by the time you read this, I changed the address frum where it wuz bein' sent. I'm sendin' it frum Boston after all. You see, I found I cud save quite a bit a money by waitin' till I am back there in Boston to put it in the post office. You see Bubba, that's what they call out-sourcin'; you send it to where they don't pay workers so much and then you sell it for more. All I can say is that they must all be damned Republicans over here, why else would they have all these smelly elephants walking aroun' wiffout any chains.
....Well cuz, I'd better hurry on up an' finish this here letter and get sum sleep. Tomorrow they's promised us sum good eatin', coz they's gonna take us to a new place what's just opened up and it has an easy name to 'member: New Deli. Like you did, I will put who this is frum down here at the end so's you'll know who it is frum.

Yur Cuzzin,

If you didn't get a chance to read the letter what Clem is responding to, just move your pointy thingie and click on: Bubba's Letter .



TMelendez said...

Oh Lord Michael... do you do this sober??

Thank the lord I quit finance as a major!


Peter said...

I can only echo that thought mike, are you sober?

Karen said...

"they must all be damned Republicans over here, why else would they have all these smelly elephants walking aroun' wiffout any chains"...

cuzin they dont no thar arse from a hol in thar groun'!!