The Great Debates

This is not going to be a narrative about the famous Lincoln-Douglas debates. It will not be a discussion of the Kennedy-Nixon debates either. Being the historians that I know you are, I'm certain you are disappointed. (The title, however, was a ploy calculated selection to draw history buffs to this post when they google for research to complete their college theses.)

No, I'm going to explore far more important and significant debates. I'm talking about those life altering decisions and arguments that we face every day of our lives. These are the topics of discussion that can decide the fate of mankind.

For the sake of both space and time, I'm not going to state my own personal stance on these issues. (Besides, from my perspective if your position differed from mine, I'd be right and you'd be wrong.) As such, I'm only going to bring attention to them. Please feel free to express your opinion.

I would be remiss if I lead off any dissertation about debates if I didn't start with the eternal question: Toilet paper - from the top or the bottom ? This topic will forever evoke heated debate.

The rest, in no particular order:

Near and dear to the heart of the male of the species: Mary Ann or Ginger ?

Top or bottom ? : (Bunk beds - what were you thinking?

Darrin Stevens: - Dick Sargent or Dick York ?

Star Trek captain: - Kirk or Picard ?

The glass is: - Half-empty of half-full ?

PC or Mac ?

Ellie Mae or Granny ? - (Just checking to see if you're paying attention. I fear Miss Jane will get some votes.)

Slow dance or fast dance ?

Bond, James Bond - Sean Connery or Roger Moore ?

The following are more a matter of preference as opposed to being subject to debate:

Tastes great! Less filling!
Your place or mine?
Regular or decaf?
Smoking or non-smoking?
Paper or plastic?
Window seat or aisle?
Heads or tails?
Baked or mashed?
Chocolate or vanilla ?

This post - Thumbs up or thumbs down ? (Remember, I'm right, you're wrong!)

End this post - Yes or No ? (I'm right again!)

No.1032

Then and Now: A History Lesson

The Great Depression 1929

The Great Depression 2007Japan Surrenders - 1945

If Japan Surrendered Today

Moses: Ten Commandments

Letterman: Top Ten Lists

Clowns - Emmett Kelly - 1937

Clowns - George W. Bush - 2007

This cartoon needs no caption. Because it tied in with the "Then and Now" theme, I lifted it from Miss Cellania.

No.1031

How Slogan You Go?

Typing in key words to generate comical slogans is the goal of the The Sloganizer.

What if condoms had corporate sponsorship?

It should come as no surprise to anyone that I have previously posted a blog with this theme. Naturally those corporate sponsors would have to come up with some catchy slogans. My examples as well as those of several readers can be found at a post titled Condom Nation.

Now, what good are sponsorship and slogans if you don't have a catchy jingle or theme song? A condom manufacturer would want a song that would compel the consumers to buy their product. Rather than try to come up with an original song or lyrics, it makes perfect sense that a well known and certainly popular hit song would be chosen.

Please excuse me, but I'm finding it hard to come up some possible song titles that fit into this category without generating innuendos.

Come Softly To Me -Fleetwoods
Pushing Too Hard -the Seeds
Monster in My Pants -the B52s
Satisfaction -Rolling Stones
Rocket Man -Elton John
Get On Up -Esquires
Eli's Coming -Three Dog Night
Whip It -Devo
I Want Candy -Bow Wow Wow
I Touch Myself -Divinyls
Who Let the Dogs Out -Baha Men

That's a few that I could think of off the top of my head. Here I'll turn the reins over to you, readers. Those of you younger than the Baby Boomer age should be able to come up with some "juicy" titles from the 80s to the present.

Let's see what you got! What song would be cute when he "slips a suit on the flute?"

From across the pond, compliments of Queenie:

Slow Hand -Pointer Sisters
All Night Long -Lionel Richie
Do Do Do The Funky Chicken - the Goodies
Stop In The Name of Love -Diana Ross & the Supremes

From Iowa, Sudiegirl reminds me that all good things must come to an end:

Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart -Johnny Cash

Serena Joy, my Verbicidal Tendencies partner from the Commonwealth of Virginia came up with one by an artist coincidentally nicknamed "the Pelvis":

Rubbernecking -Elvis Presley

From Florida, Christina has these offerings:

Start Me Up; Don't Stop; Let's Spend the Night Together -Rolling Stones
Love in an Elevator; Walk This Way - Aerosmith
Love By the Dashboard Lights - Meatloaf

Now how could I have not thought of this one when I started this post?:

Let It All Hang Out -the Hombres

No.1030

Some Like It Hot - Not Me!

From the comic strip "Bound & Gagged" 6/25/07

"The sun so hot I froze to death...."

I know Stephen Foster never saw or experienced air-conditioning, but that line from "Oh Susanna" seems curiously prophetic today. With the mercury climbing upwards to ninety-five and higher, I have found myself voluntarily sequestered indoors. The stark contrast of the ambient temperatures of both outside and inside can be seen in the traces of condensation upon the window panes.

It seems unnatural to feel cold at 10 AM on a late June morning, a week away from the 4Th of July. At 8:30 this morning it was already 87 degrees! With the air conditioners cranked up to the nth and the shades pulled down tight, we were determined to keep the house cool all day.

Of course those wheels in that electric meter on the side of our house are spinning in protest at a dizzying rate.Yes, we'll pay in the end, make that "through the end," for the use of the electricity. The drain on the energy in turn will result in an increase of the price per barrel of oil. This in turn will translate to higher prices at the gas pumps.

Ironically, if we were to stay home in order to consume less gasoline, the oil companies in turn would still raise the prices because our lack of consumption would show as lower profits. If we aren't fuel conscious, we pay. If we try to be conservative, we pay!

There's one thing about feeling cold; you get to really enjoy those cups of hot coffee. Anyway, I am not going to rant about our little two-day spell of hot humid weather. There are a lot of people in a lot of places facing worse climatic conditions. We are supposed to get some relief tomorrow.

I have been on a so-called vacation this week. It has been so hot, that activities outside the house have been unbearable. One consolation - I could be working and out there driving around. Would you like another consolation? It's been too hot to mow the lawn and trim the hedges. Damn! By not mowing the lawn, I am contributing to the next price hike in gas because I'm burning any in my lawn mower.

I remember a time when prancing around the house naked meant that things were going to get hot!

These days, it means we're trying to cool off!

No.1029

A Tale of Two Biddies

I have entered one of my posts The Reaver Jordan into a contest. The contest is being held at "This Eclectic Life" which can be found here.

(Today's offering, you might say, is a series of jokes wrapped around a series of jokes about my favorite people, the elderly.)

Agnes and Tillie were two spinsters who liked to sit on the benches by the lake next to the Senior Citizens building in which they lived. They enjoyed watching their neighbors who might be out for strolls. Most of all they enjoyed filling each other in on the daily gossip.
....On this particular day there were several police officers patrolling the facility. "My Lord! Look at all the fuzz," said Agnes.
....The second lady tugs at the hem of her mu mu and replies, "Sorry. It's so damn hot I didn't bother putting on my bloomers." Then she said, "What's with all the cops?"
...."Didn't you hear?" Agnes shouted to her nearly deaf friend, "There was a flasher on the grounds yesterday! He exposed himself to some of our neighbors."
....Tillie shook her head, "Some people have all the luck."

Three older ladies named Rose, Gertrude and Mildred were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the parking lot. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
....Rose immediately had a stroke. Then Gertrude also had a stroke.
....But Mildred, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

"It's so sad about Mildred in 407, isn't it? She ended up in the hospital after her ordeal," Agnes said to her friend.
....To which Tillie narrowed her eyes and responded, "How so? You've seen one, you've seen them all."

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.
....Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
...."On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
....Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

At that moment Sarah who lived on the sixth floor joined the duo on the bench. After exchanging pleasantries, the new arrival acknowledged that she'd heard about the flasher.
...."Dammit, I wanted to stay in tonight and watch some television!" she exclaimed.
....Tillie turned to her and said, "Why, did something come up?"
...."You never know! That flasher might come back!"
....Tillie nudged the woman next to her, "Agnes, weren't you accosted by a pervert a while back?"

Agnes nodded and shuddered, "Oh dear me, yes. It was just horrible. I was walking downtown and turned into an alley by mistake. He was hiding in the shadows and told me to give him all my money."
...."Good lord," said Sarah, "What ever did you do?"
...."I told him I had no money. But he insisted that the money was in my bra. He ripped open my blouse and started feeling around in my bra. I told him again that I didn't have any money on me."
...."How awful! What happened next? Did he just run away?"
....Agnes shook her head and continued, "He was persistent, I tell you. He hiked up my skirt and began groping inside my panties. I reminded him again that I had no money!"
....Sarah was agape in horror, "Then he ran away?"
...."No, I told him that if he was going to keep doing that, I'd write him a check!" Agnes then lowered her head and added, "That's when he ran away."

Sarah began to look at Tillie rather oddly.
....Sensing the woman was staring at her, Tillie asked, "What is it? What are you looking at?"
....Sarah leaned forward and said, "Tillie, I thought something was wrong. Do you realize that you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
...."I have?" Tillie reached up and removed it from her ear and stared at it. Then she said to Sarah, "I'm glad you saw this thing. NOW I think I know where my hearing aid is!"
....Sarah stood up and excused herself saying, "I see the transportation van is here for Joe from the seventh floor."
...."Does he have a doctor's appointment?" Agnes asked.
...."Oh no, his family is shipping him off to a nursing home."
....Tillie shook her head sadly, "They feel he can't live by himself anymore?"
...."Yes, they caught him impersonating a police officer again."

Marion, who got around on a Rascal scooter, liked to ride up and down the halls of her floor making sounds like she was driving a car. One day she was cruising down the "highway," when Joe the cop jumped out of a doorway into her path.
...."Excuse me ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
....The lady fumbled through her pocketbook, produced a candy wrapper and handed it to him. He looked at it, gave her a warning and sent her on her way.
....Up and down the halls she drove again uttering sounds like vrooom and beep-beep.Again Joe jumped from a doorway stopping her.
...."Excuse me, ma'am, but I observed you crossing the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" This time she pulled out a store receipt and handed it to him. He looked it over and as before gave her a warning and sent her on her way. She zoomed off down the hallway weaving all over.
....Once again as she neared Joe's room he jumped out into her path. But this time he was stark naked and had an erection.
....She looked up and said, "Oh, no. Not the Breathalyzer again!"

Tillie sighed deeply and said, "When I think of all the times he stopped me for jay walking...He never offered me the Breathalyzer!"
...."Same here," replied Agnes.

Sarah who had been standing nearby said, "I just remembered something. Did you ladies read the latest quiz in Cosmopolitan?"
...."Yes," said Agnes, "the one where they asked who you would like to come back as when you die, if it were possible?"
....Tillie nodding said, "Me, I would want to come back as Sophia Loren."
...."Good choice," said Sarah. "My choice would be ... Madonna."
....They turned their attention to Agnes. "This one is easy. I'd want to be Sara Pipalini!"
...."Who?" asked Tillie looking perplexed.
...."Sara Pipalini!"
....Sarah was shaking her head in confusion, "I'm sorry, Agnes, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
....Agnes reached into her purse and pulled out a folded newspaper clipping. She handed it to Tillie and crossed her arms across her chest. In turn both Tillie and Sarah read the article and began to laugh uncontrollably.
....Tillie handed the paper back to her and said, "No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

The sun had just slipped behind the horizon and there was a slight chill in the air. The three woman began their slow arduous walk back to their building. Tomorrow was another day.

No.1028

What's Your State's State?

While you were sitting at the computer surfing the net for days on end, your state senators have been in session. The agenda of their recent sessions has been to come up with new mottos for all 50 states and the District of Columbia. The following is the finalized list that has been submitted to Congress for approval:


Alababma: It isn't Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Se Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come To Cut Some Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

No.1027

Double Entendres

Double-Entendres on British TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoria from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2 . New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother”

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5.* US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7.** A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" (Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!)

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it himself.

* Many years ago Johnny Carson had Arnold Palmer's wife on as a guest. He asked her if she ever did anything special for Arnie for good luck on the day of a tournament. She replied that she kisses his balls for good luck.
....I know because I was watching that night.

I'm guessing that this double entendre did not actually take place on a British broadcast, but was added to this list.

** This was a real incident in the news this past winter somewhere in the Midwestern United States on the evening news.

Again, I think this was added to the list to fit with the theme.

No.1026

From Tomatoes to Gas

Green Thumb?

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went over one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomaotes and they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and procedded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her progress.

"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No," she replied excitedly. . .

"But you should see the size of my cucumbers!!"


Now That's Some Bull!

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."


Isn't the Civil War Over?

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."


Alabama Boy!

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Billy Bob. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.

Billy Bob, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Billy Bob rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, he once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Billy Bob noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."


Phheeew!

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69." "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs, and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets loose a rip-roaring fart!

"What was that for???" he asks.

"Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose! The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going??" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

No.1025

It's a Gas, Ain't It?

Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use.

The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq . Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

-George Carlin

So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive, huh??

Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $ 9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $ 10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 = $ 10.00 per gallon

Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon

STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 = $ 33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 = $ 178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $ 84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...... Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $ 21.19 per gallon .....$21.19 FOR WATER!!

So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Pepto Bismol, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!!

Gas Saving Tips

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Sunoco station.

I have my car towed to work because it’s cheaper than buying gas.

All in favor of conserving gasoline, please raise your right foot.

I saw a guy on the street corner, holding up a hat and a sign that said, “Wife and 2 Cars to Feed.”

For our vacation this summer, we’re thinking it will be cheaper to just mail the car.

No.1024

Open Season on Open Flies

Top 20 Ways To Tell Someone Their Fly Is Open

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

The Boss' Fly

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled.When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary.When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini Cooper with 2 flat tires."

On Boobs and Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts: In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, one look and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers: "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

No.1023

Not at Any Price!

Hogzilla wants to host "The Price is Right!"

Yes, the acerbic Rosie O'Donnell is looking behind TV Career Door No.3 to become the next host of the long running game show. Is America ready for a loud-mouthed opinionated, self-serving activist to host the family friendly game show that has been on the air for 35 successful years? I think not - not at any price!

Tragically the recently retired former host, Bob Barker has endorsed O'Donnell as his replacement. (I was not aware that Mr. Barker was suffering from an advanced state of Alzheimers.) Perhaps Rosie reminds him of some of the comical contestants who have appeared on his stage for three and a half decades.

Let's see, Hogzilla failed with her own talk show and she almost single handedly destroyed what little credibility "The View" had been maintaining before her arrival. A well publicized heated exchange between O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck led her to demand an early departure from the program. The truth of the matter is that she was on thin ice as it was after her now famous war of insults with Donald Trump. (For the record she left on her own before the network kicked her fat ass off the program!)

Is that the baggage the audience would want to see her bringing to "The Price is Right?" I think not - not at any price! Can you imagine Rosie trying to keep her eyes in her head when she gets a gander at Barker's Beauties as they showcase the prizes? Do you think "Mrs. Rosie" will have to keep an eye on her chubby betrothed?

Face it, Rosie O'Donnell's act is a tired one. If she is the best choice that the producers can find, then the audience would be better served if the program folded up its tents and closed down forever!

The irony is not lost on me that the networks are all scrambling to find a vehicle for her in time for the start of the fall season. Perhaps out of morbid curiosity or ...(gasp)...there are actually viewers who like her, but Rosie has managed to produce favorable ratings. In spite of her numbers however, when sponsors begin cancelling their commercials because of her controversial and often idiotic remarks, the producers are left with no choice but to swing away with their well-aimed wing tips.

In the end, I predict that the executives will come to the one and only correct decision - not at any price!

My wife and I were discussing this very topic over the weekend. She chided me for making fun of Rosie's weight saying, "She probably can't help it. She's big-boned!"

"Come on," I shot back at her, "I'm so tired of that 'big bones' cop out." Then I asked her, "Have you ever seen a fat skeleton?"

I know, I am being insensitive on the weight issue. I'm sorry about that. Sometimes rather than attacking someone's persuasions or politics, it's easier to pick on their appearance.

Besides, she's like a lot of women out there. She too puts on her bra - one leg at a time!

No.1022

Who Left the Door Open?

(Header:
Art by Boris Vallejo)

It is reassuring to know that our tax dollars are being well spent. Case in point: to dissuade illegal immigrants from crossing the border from Mexico into the United States, our politicians and engineers have proposed a fence 370 miles long. Inasmuch as there are 1900 miles of borders separating the two countries, that fence will only serve as a bulletin board for posting want ads for cheap labor.

At The Movies

While on the subject of immigrants, it seems a certain Hollywood producer is working on a new movie using foreign born actors. The film will be an action docu-drama about famous composers. Signed on to appear in the film, among others, are Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

To insure that he would have a cast with box office "oomph," the producer allowed the stars to select the famous composer they would portray in the film.

"Well," Stallone said, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "I'll play him."

The producer was very pleased. He then said, "That sounds splendid. But who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Schwarzenegger looked him square in the eye and said, "I'll be Bach!"

Must Be A Yankee Fan

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker are having dinner at a restaurant in London . . .
. . . and the waiter tells them, "Excuse me, but we have a shortage of steak, so disregard that item from the menu." The Texan, used to the bounty of Texas says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian, used to a diet of potatoes says, "What's a steak?" and the New Yorker says, "What's 'Excuse me?'"

No Egg Roll?

"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people," . . .
the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

Seder

At a Jewish Seder, they had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil.
. . .The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go". . .

The Eye Chart

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

The Killer

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York Police Precinct to report that his new American wife was planning to kill him.

The Copper on duty was intrigued by this and asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? I mean, did she threaten to kill you?"

"Nope," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Well, did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Then why in Christ's name did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"Hey man, what so funny? Can't you see what the label on bottle says, 'Polish Remover'?"

Transylvanian Pizza

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat . . .
. . .but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires had had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang:

You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here it comes....

"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

Sorry, honey! (My wife is Italian.)

No.1021

A License To Age

It certainly was an interesting week. I'm feeling yet a little groggy after a week of libations and trying to clear the cobwebs from a weekend hangover. I sure annihilated a generation of brain cells with seven days of posts related to bars and drinking.

So what next? I suppose I could pick on the youthfully-challenged folks a bit.

The Old Motor

He's 80, she's 20.
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying:

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again.
The same nurse said: "You're amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said:

"Well, well, well! !! You certainly are quite a man!"

He responded again, "You've got to keep that old motor running"

The nurse said:

"Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!


Driver's Licenses

Two senior citizens were lamenting one day about getting old.The first one says, "My neck hurts so much I have a hard time turning my head left or right". The second one says, "My eyes are so bad with cataracts I can barely see four feet away". The first senior pipes in, "Yes, and my arthritis in my hands is so bad somedays I can't grip anything". The second senior replies, "My hearing is shot, couldn't hear a train coming if it was right in front of me". Then the first senior says, "But at least we still got our driver's license".


ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First -- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start BRAGGING about it.

Second -- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third -- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth -- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Fifth -- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Sixth -- Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Seventh -- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally eighth-- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

There is one perk on my job working with the elderly - they think I'm young!

No.1020

Hey Monty, You're Playing My Song

I'm not one to shy away from recognition; I guess it's the price one has to pay for being laid back and modest. In spite of any attempts to remain anonymous and nondescript, I somehow manage to get noticed.

Could it be my summer garb of madras shirts, plaid bermudas, red argyle socks and black sandals?* Nah, I tend to blend in with the crowds with my choices of attire. Could it be my vestigial southern accent? Uh uh, don't y'all know that I been up here with the Yankees long enough for them not to notice one lick? I mean, can I help it if they don't know that victuals is just another word for food?

I have a hard enough time trying to figure out why waitresses in the eating places up here look at me funny when I ask if they have biscuits and gravy on the menu? How about that time when I asked one of them for mustard for my hot dogs. Can you believe that she asked if I wanted Grey Poupon on it? Tarnation! I thought New England was supposed to be sophisticated! Never mind what color it is, but who in their right mind would want poop on their hot dogs?

As I was saying, I try to be low key and not draw attention to myself. One way to do that is to roll myself up in a shell of anonymity. That way nobody will be pointing at the silly redneck hillbilly skipping along whistling Hank Williams songs.**

Now here's a new wrinkle! It isn't often that I get a song dedicated to me on a real honest to goodness radio station by a pretty DJ, namely Monty! She was going to play the song on her Friday night program at MPYR Radio, which can be heard right here. Catch her live tonight at 11 PM EST.

Well since I was unable to tune in for the live broadcast, I listened to her show from the archives. You see, I was very interested and curious as to what song she might be playing for little ol' me! Even though I don't get noticed, as I said in the opening of this post, it looks like I was noticed after all - and aw shucks, by a pretty girl!

My imagination started acting up and started visualizing a wish list of songs that she might play. "How about Make It With You by Bread? Or ... be still my heart ... the Stones' Let's Spend the Night Together ?"

So while I was listening to her show, I started thinking that maybe I should return the favor. I decided to do her one better and write her the following song. Okay, I didn't actually write it - it's a parody. With apologies to The Buckinghams, I chose Hey Baby, They're Playing Our Song.

Hey Monty you're playin' my song
One I shoulda used on my blog all week long
Hey Monty you're playin' my song
Let's sing together tho the words are wrong
It's the one with the raucous sound
It's the one that made me fall on the ground
It made me feel so moody
I fell on my face shakin' my booty.
Hey Monty you're playin' my tune
The one I used when I shot that cop the moon
Hey Monty you're playin' my tune
I'm getting probation maybe until next June.
Unpleasant hangovers are comin' back to me
Can't remember throwing up on the maitre d'
It made me feel like pukin'
I didn't care about who might be lookin'
(hey, Monty, hey, Monty)
Hey, Monty, hey, Monty you're playin' my song (repeat to fade)

By now you might be wondering just what song did Monty dedicate to me? Well, it turns out at first that I didn't pay close attention to her comments on one of my posts during the week. It seems that the dedication would follow the theme of my week-long bar and drinking posts. I must admit that Bar Room Buddies by Merle Haggard and Clint Eastwood is a most apropos song! Great choice, Monty. You certainly were playing my song.

Bar Room Buddies

Hey I want to sing till the feeling gets right
Well let’s harmonize we’ll be dynamite
I’ll yodel the high notes I’ve done it for years
Good deal old buddy and I’ll pour the beer
There’s always some lady alone at the bar
Yeah and you always let her know just who you are
I know a couple gals that we can call down
They’ll shake the pictures right all of the wall
We’re bar room buddies and that’s the best kind
Nobody fools with a buddy of mine
I’ll laugh when you’re happy
and I’ll cry when you’re blue
We’re bar room buddies and we’re doing fine
So pour me another we got nothing but time
Old chug-a-lug-a-lugging bar room buddy of mine
The bartender trying to turn out the lights
Well maybe it is time we called it a night
Hell we’ll wake up the roosters if we drink them real slow
Well let’s have a double and a six-pack to go
We’re bar room buddies and that’s the best kind
Nobody fools with a buddy of mine
I’ll laugh when you’re happy
and I’ll cry when you’re blue
We’re bar room buddies and we’re doing fine
So pour me another we got nothing but time
Old chug-a-lug-a-lugging bar room buddy of mine
Hell we’re skirt chasing,
tail kicking guitar picking,
pool hustling
Old chug-a-lug-a-lugging bar room buddy of mine

Thanks to my buddy Earl, I'll close this post with a birthday announcement.

Birthday Remembrance

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
Then again, they learn so much at such young ages nowadays.

*I don't really dress like that.
**I don't really skip and whistle Hank William tunes.

NO.1019

Weekend Hangover

After five straight days of posts centered upon the subject of drinking and bars, it is only natural to expect a weekend hangover.

(Men, I'm not referring to that mass cascading over your belt buckle. Women ... uh ... I won't "pat" that topic.)

Did you know that there are degrees of hangovers and that there is a chart based on their severity? No? Then allow me to enlighten you:

Hangover Rating Chart

One Star Hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way.
For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM, Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover

Slight headache.
Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.
You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.)
Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.
Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube.
Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you.
You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.
Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.
Death sounds pretty good about right now....

While you are suffering from a hangover, the following will probably never enter your thoughts. They are food for thought before you start drinking the next time:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Sorry I'm being such a jackass

No.1018

Fried fRiDaY LiBaTiOnS

(Thish ish day five of a week-long sheries of poshts about that great pash time - drinking! If you mished "Monday,Tueshday,Wednesday and Thurshday Libations" keep on shrolling after you read thish one to catch up. The drinking humor and jokes are on the houshe!)

Before you jump right into the laughs, allow me to interject some patriotic thoughts into this post. Are you an American and proud of it? Do you respect our flag and everything it represents? Even if you are not American, you are invited to check out the following link, if for no other reason than to hear Elvis Presley singing "America the Beautiful." Read and sing along.

Were you able to read the whole thing, listen to the song and NOT sing along? I couldn't!

You came here for some laughs, didn't you? Without further emu, er Ido er ado? - By all means, proceed:


FIRST AID

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers ? That's a laugh," she replied.

"You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "My first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."


THE OLD SAUSAGE TRICK

Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?"

His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"

The first drunk spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do," he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips out the sausage and the second starts sucking on it.

"What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing.

"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent," says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"

So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues through the night.

At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says, "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."

"Sausage?" says the first drunk. "I ATE the sausage about eight bars ago!"


EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"


THE KEYS

There was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of the morning, outside the pub.

An Irishman named Pat wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into the street, then onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of the pub. He was hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other.

A small crowd begins to grow when, finally, the constables arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one of them approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"

"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "Sshumbody stoll me car!" "Well now lad," the constable inquires, "where was your car last time you saw it?"

Waving his hand in the air in the front of himself, as if to put the key into the ignition, the Irishman says "Wey, it was at the eind of me key."

At the same time, the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's zipper is down, and it's all there to be seen, so he quietly asks "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "Oh boy, they got me wife too!"

EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A Litre of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly. "


A BEER LIMERICK

There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder - Budweiser.

No.1017

Thirsty ThursdaY LibationS

(This is day four of a week-long series of posts about that great pass time - drinking! If you missed "Monday,Tuesday and Wednesday Libations" keep on scrolling after you read this one to catch up. The drinking humor and jokes are on the house!)

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."


DRINKING CODES

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar one night. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word.

The brunette walks up to the bartender and says, "Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me a Fifteen."

"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"

"Oh, you know, silly!" the blonde says. "A Seven and Seven."


TOO MUCH BEER

A guy walks over to a gorgeous chick sitting at a barstool and says, "I want to play with your ta-tas all night."

Shocked, the woman says, "Oh my god, do you see that huge guy over there? He's my boyfriend and he'll kick your ass!"

The man replies, "I still want to play with your ta-tas all night, and fill your scamper with beer and drink it."

Disgusted, the woman walks over to her boyfriend and tells him what's going on. "That man over there says he wants to play with my ta-tas all night."

The boyfriend stands up pissed off and rolls up his sleeves.

She then says, "He also said he wants to fill my scamper up with beer and drink out of it."

The boyfriend rolls down his sleeves, sits down and continues drinking.

"What are you doing, aren't you going to kick his ass?"

The boyfriend smugly replies, "I ain't gonna mess with a guy that can drink that much beer."


FREE TRAVEL

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."


THE BUFFET

Every afternoon after work, a group of local guys would meet at the neighborhood bar for a little pool and a few beers. Undoubtedly, somehow the subject always came up about which guy had the longest penis. Day in and day out the bartender overheard these braggarts and frankly it got a little boring.

One day, the bartender had heard the same old exaggerations once too many and he said, "All right, enough of this bullshit. I want each and every one of you to stand up here at the bar and I'm going to personally measure each of you and just MAYBE we can put a stop to all this crap."

Well, they all gathered around the bar, unzipped and laid it out there to be measured. Just then, the door opens and in the blast of sunlight stands a gay guy.

The bartender looks up and says, "Can I help you?"

The gay man takes a look at the line-up and says, "Well, I was going to get a cocktail, but I think I'll just have the buffet."


REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

* It's an incentive to show up.

* It reduces stress.

* Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

* It leads to more honest communications.

* It reduces complaints about low pay.

* It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

* Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

* It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

* It encourages carpooling.

* Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

* It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

* It makes fellow employees look better.

* It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

* Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

* Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

* Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

* Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

* It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

* Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.

* Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

* Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (?)

* It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

* The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

* Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

* Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.


I heard a commercial in the next room that got my attention. The narrator promised there would be more bars! Then I realized it was a commercial for wireless digital phone service!

No.1016

Wednesday Libations

(This is day three of a week-long series of posts about that great pass time - drinking! If you missed "Monday and Tuesday Libations," just keep scrolling after you read this one to catch up. The drinking humor and jokes are on the house!)

DOE RE MI BEER
by Homer J. Simpson

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to... [Looks into an empty glass]

D'OH!

ALPHA WAVES

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties," he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."


BUSINESS IS SLOW

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar one afternoon. One of the car salesmen complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing ass!"

Too late, the man noticed a gorgeous blonde woman, sitting just two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language.

That's okay, I understand," the blonde replied. "I have a very similar problem. If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my f***ing car!"

THE BEST BAR

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. The Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there is a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"


ANNIVERSARIES

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."


SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK

* Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

* You fall off the floor.

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

* You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

* Job interfering with your drinking.

* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case-coincidence?? You think not!

* You can focus better with one eye closed.

* The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

* Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed ... hmmm?

* Roseanne looks good.

* That damned pink elephant followed you home again.

* Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

* You think the four basic food groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and the opposite sex.

* Don't recognize your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

* The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

* You wake up screaming, "TORO TORO TORO!", in the middle of the night.

* Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S a drinking problem!

* You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping - with your Oldsmobile.

* Friends armed with fire extinguishers stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

* Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

* Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Vodka.

* For some reason, there's salt on the rim of you basketball goal.

* Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.

* For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

* You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

* Absolute wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

* Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"

* The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

* Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

* Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.

* You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

* You are lying in bed and it feels like you're on a merry-go-round.

* You sound like you're speaking a different language and get irritated when others don't understand you.

* You walk up to a real big dude and ask, "Is it true big guys have real small peckers?"

* You fart and then feel a lump in your back pocket.

No.1015

Tuesday Libations

(This is day two of a week-long series of posts about that great pass time - drinking! If you missed "Monday Libations," just keep scrolling after you read this one to catch up. The drinking humor and jokes are on the house!)

TWENTY DOLLARS

A man is at a bar, having some drinks. After a couple hours he's pretty drunk and starts to feel like he's going to be sick. He rushes into the bathroom but doesn't quite make it to a sink in time and pukes all over his shirt.

As he's slouched against the wall trying to clean his shirt off with wet paper towels, another man comes in the bathroom.

The drunk says to the other in a slurred voice, "Maaan my (hiccup) wife issh gonna (hiccup) kill me!"

The other man says to the drunk, "Listen, what you need to do is put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you come home tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning bill."

The drunk says, "Shay! Thas a great idea! Thans misser!"

The drunk finishes wiping the puke off his shirt and puts a twenty in his breast pocket. Feeling relieved about the situation and also feeling a little better, the man leaves the bathroom and has a couple more drinks.

Later that night the drunk staggers in the door to find his wife waiting up for him.

As soon as she sees him she starts yelling at him, "Look at you! You're a mess, you lousy drunk! How many times have I told you not to go out and get drunk like this? Who is going to clean that shirt?"

"Look hon, you got it all wrong. Thish guy at the bar, he pukes all over me and he givesh me twenty bucks to pay the cleaning bill," the drunk says to her while pointing at his breast pocket.

"Oh really?" she says, "Then what is the other twenty for?"

"Oh, thas from the guy that shit in my pants!"

THE BAR PICK-UP

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.

The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.

Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?"

"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."


DANCE WITH ME

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

"So what did she say?" asks the friend.

The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."


DRINKS OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM*

Absolute Zero = Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen

Alexander the Grrreat = Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes

American in Paris = Kentucky bourbon and champagne

Black Sabbath = Kahlua and Mogen David wine

Blind Faith = Wood alcohol and sacramental wine

Blood Clot = Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O

Bloody Awful = Vodka and ketchup

Blue Moon = Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva

Brown Bowl = Vodka and Prune Juice

Coleman Cooler = White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand

Fuzzy Naval Base = Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia

George Bush = George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer

Gorbachev = Vodka with a splash of port wine

Honeydew the Dishes = Midori and Dawn

Marie Antoinette = Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer

Martinizer = Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride

Mary Poppins = Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar

Mexican Hairless = Tequila and Minoxidil

Oil of Ole = Mazola and Sangria

Peter, Paul, and Mary = Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice

Phillips' Screwdriver = Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia

Port in a Storm = Red wine and rainwater

Quack Doctor = Cold duck and Dr. Pepper

A Rum with a View = Bacardi and Visine

Rum-Pole of the Bailey = Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream

Sake-to-me = Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide

Scotch Tapeworm = Dewar's and Mescal

Shipwreck = Cutty Sark on the rocks

Short Wave = Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate

Sinead O'Connor = Irish whiskey and Nair

Skid Roe = Muscatel and caviar

Sour Kraut = Schnapps and lemon juice

Sundae Driver = Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream

Tequila Mockingbird = Jose Cuervo and birdseed

~~~~(*Kiddies, please don't try these at home!)

No.1014