Misc. E-mail Call

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, think of the steel it would take. I can do this but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a minute and think of something that could possibly help man kind."

The biker thought, finally he said, "God I wish all men could understand women, how she feels, what shes thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says something is wrong, why she snaps and how to make her truly happy."

God replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A Movie Review

Horse Racing Today
The lineup:

1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Smooth Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosom 10. Merry Cherry

And they're off!

Conscience is left behind at the post.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry!

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Smooth Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the halfway mark it's Bare Belly on top!

Smooth Thighs open up and Big Johnson is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Smooth Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly!

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson!

At the stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Johnson is making a final drive.

Passionate Lady is coming!

At the finish it's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady taking everything Big Johnson has to offer!

It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head!

Heavy Bosom weakens and Smooth Thighs pulls-up the rear.

Clean Sheets never had a chance.

№ 2114

He Said, She Said

Men and Women See Things Differently

Opposites attract - that's what makes the world go around!

You just have to hope that there is some compatibility between the two to make it all work.

It's true, whether you're talking about the geophysical forces of gravity and planetary orbits or the more complicated relationships between men and women.

Yes, understanding the workings of the universe has proven to be less elusive than trying to figure out the age-old battle of the sexes and putting into perspective of who is right and who is wrong. Whether from Mars or Venus, it all comes down to who said what ...

He Said, She Said: Out of Options
HE: Hey, hows about a little action, honey?

SHE: Not tonight. It's that time of the month. Sorry.

HE: That's okay? Then how about a little blow j....?

SHE: Oh, no! My wisdom tooth is acting up.

HE: Well, then I'll just put it up your ...

SHE: Nope! ... Hemorrhoids.

HE: (Sigh!) Hows about reaching over here and taking me in your hand ...

SHE: Uh-uh ... Carpal tunnel ...

HE: Fine! I'll just put it between tour ti ...

SHE: I don't think so ... sunburn!

HE: It seems like I'm out of options.

SHE: Not really ... you can take care of it yourself ...

HE: (Rolling over.) Nah! I seem to have lost the urge.

( Poor guy. She didn't even use the 'headache' routine. )

What Is Stress?
Driving along you see a beautiful and naked woman hitchhiking. You stop and pick her up. Trying to keep your eyes on the road causes you some stress.

What if someone you know witnesses this and tells your wife? You've started to become a little stressed.

Suddenly she has a seizure and faints in your car - in the front seat - and slumps against you! You are more than a little stressed.

You are unable to revive her and are forced to rush her to the nearest hospital. With your jacket covering only a little of her nudity you remember that you know people on the hospital staff. Now it's getting stressful!

The doctor tells you that she is pregnant and congratulates you that you're going to be a father. You tell him that you're NOT the father, but the girl insists that you are! It has become very stressful!

So you insist on submitting to a DNA test to prove that you're not the father. After the test results comeback the doctor informs you are NOT the father. The stress is abating.

Although it doesn't register at the moment, the doctor also tells you that you are infertile and probably have been since birth.

As you drive away from the hospital you think about the doctor's words as they sink in ... and you start to become extremely stressed.

You are thinking about your wife ... and your ... three kids ...

Now THAT'S stress!

My wife says I never listen to her. At least that's what I think she said.

A man is browsing around in a bookstore for half an hour or more not finding what he wanted. Finally he went to a clerk at the customer service desk.

"Excuse me," he says to her, "I'm looking for a book called 'The perfect marriage.'"

Says the clerk, "Have you looked in the Science Fiction section?"

№ 2113

Butterfly Dreams (53)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

The Butterfly Net

Michelle raced up to me, and throwing her arms around my neck pressed her lips hungrily against mine. Ignoring the pain of my broken finger I dug my hands deep into the back pockets of her jeans. It might have been only two days since we'd last held each other, but to me it had seemed like weeks. It was not surprising that our passionate embrace would not go unnoticed.

"Get a room, you two!" Brock chuckled as he herded Faye past us.

The distant wail of sirens signaled the advancing parade of emergency equipment racing from the nearby civilian side of the airport. Without a word we began to pile into the vehicle, an over-sized delivery van. To a person, we did not want to be there to answer any questions or to explain our presence there.

Michelle grinned at Baxter as he ducked his head into the van. "Use enough dynamite there, Baxter?" she asked parodying a well known movie quote. Her smile, however, quickly faded, "Where's David? He made it off the plane ... didn't he?"

Baxter shook his head and replied, "I don't know. When I went through the door he was at the console. He must have been trying to grab the original connector."

"Did anyone else get off the plane?" queried Stu Jankowski who was sitting behind the steering wheel.

"If they did, they probably went in there," I offered pointing across the debris-riddled tarmac at the building which was completely engulfed in flames.

There was a sudden flash of pulverized runway followed by the whistling of a ricocheting bullet which slammed into the side of the van. In a trice the sound of the gun shot caught up with the projectile as it echoed across the airfield.

I shoved Michelle into the van and dove in after her even as Stu shifted into gear and slammed the accelerator to the floor. I heard the sound of a second shot but it must have missed hitting the van. I just managed to close the sliding side door when shards of glass showered onto me when its window shattered into the back of the van.

The spinning rear wheels of the van spat up gravel amid a cloud of dust before they gained traction. The vehicle lurched forward and picked up speed when it reached the paved surface of the road.

We barely had time to feel good about our escape when Susan shrieked, "Professor Jordan! You've been shot!"

Jordan, slumped on the floor behind the driver's seat, was clutching a blood soaked wound near his shoulder. He winced and gritted his teeth, "It hurts but ... I'm okay. I don't think it hit anything ... vital."

"Nonsense!" exclaimed Brock O'Day as he grabbed a cargo blanket and spread it on the floor. "Lie down, Professor and let me take a look at it."

Susan helping with his legs, Brock placed his hand around the man's back and eased him into a supine position onto the blanket. Easing his arm free he grunted when he saw that the palm of his supporting hand was covered in blood. "Well, at least there's good news," he uttered, "the bullet passed completely through."

"That's hardly encouraging, Sergeant," Jordan grimaced, "knowing that I have an extra ... hole in my body."

"Yes. There is the matter of these entry and exits wounds," O'Day responded, "and they need to be treated."

"On the strip there's a small convenience store." Michelle offered. "We can pick up some bandages and antiseptic there."

She looked at me as if anticipation what I might say but I queried anyway. "Strip? Route 66?"

She nodded, "Yes. There's a motel and a diner too ... just like the ones in my dream." She shrugged and added, "Coincidence?"

"No, my dear," said Jordan, "it's not a coincidence. Your dream is not a dream, but a subconscious memory that I resurrected in your mind." He looked over at Susan and appeared to be taking great care in how he phrased his next words, "It was something that happened to you when you were not ... ah, yourself. I hope that makes sense."

When she nodded I could see that Michelle understood, as I had, the implications of Jordan's words. He was referring to a buried and forgotten memory of something that had occurred when she was the embodiment of ... Susan Parsons. As one we studied Susan who was watching us and listening but not understanding. Jordan was wise to avoid the suggestion of transplanted minds. As confusing as it was to Michelle and me, to that poor girl it would be not be healthy for her to discover that she was somebody else.

I hadn't even noticed that were passing by a few scattered buildings until Stu turned the van into a narrow alley between ... the diner and a motel. He brought the vehicle to a stop in front a brick facade and said over his shoulder, "Michelle, can you hop out and run to the convenience store for what you need to fix up the professor?"

Hopping out of the van she announced, "I'll catch up to you through the basement entrance in the diner." With that she turned and jogged away toward the street.

Before I could protest her going off alone there was a loud grinding sound. I looked through the windshield and watched the base of the wall begin to tilt inward. It soon became obvious that the wall was actually a secreted entry to a ramp that sloped down and under the building. With the wall fully raised Stu eased the van through the portal which began to close the moment we'd cleared the alley.

After about a hundred yards the ramp leveled off into a cavernous garage. The van pulled up to a large metal door and came to a stop. "Last stop, gang," Stu voiced.

Upon the door there was a painting of large blue butterfly and beneath that were stenciled letters reading The Butterfly Net. Stu pressed a button on the dashboard of the van and climbed out onto the pavement. Within a couple of minutes the lot of us had joined him and were standing in front of the door.

When the door swung open we were greeted by two figures, a man and a woman. Unable to contain her excitement, Susan ran up to Ben and hugged him. I stood still aghast as the woman stepped through the door to greet us.

Through trembling lips I muttered, "Rosie?"

To be continued ...

The End of Dreams

№ 2112

Pic Pickups

For this post I just picked up a few pics.

Click to Enlarge

There Really Is Gold at the End of a Rainbow

№ 2111

Google "It"

Why Not?
I knew I didn't have to climb to the tip of some precipitous mountain top to have some so-called wise man to tell me to "Google it."

Besides, I must call to question just how "wise" someone might be to sit on top of a mountain.

Yet, it seemed like a ludicrous idea for me to Google something I already knew and didn't really need to actually look up. I mean, how much can I learn from a web search about "IT" that I don't already know?

Frankly, there hasn't exactly been a plethora of ideas popping into my head as of late to be used as subject matter for a post. Perhaps retirement and a more leisurely lifestyle has turned the creative juices into a viscous syrup. I suppose that with all the free time on my hands that maybe ... I've lost it.

To be perfectly honest, I have also been distracted involved with my writings. I've been aspiring to put together a collection of my short stories and to then submit them for publication as an anthology.

Ah, but word count = pages! Some of my stories are lengthy and probably exceed in the number of words what many would consider "short" stories. It would probably be more correct to call them novellas.

As such, I have decided that two of those stories, the currently serialized Butterfly Dreams and its prequel, The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray will be combined into one novel.

A funny thing keeps happening on the way to the computer - I keep getting ideas, not for blog posts, but for MORE story ideas! I've been jotting them down lest I forget them and they are gone forever. So, I've been drafting up a few synopses of these ideas, even giving them working titles like: Eco-Nauts, The God Stone, La Boutique Barbie, Blood Blog, etc., to name a few.

I suspect that once I get into the publishing process and start putting some of those story ideas together, my actual blog entries will continue to decrease even more than as of late.

But I digress ... Wasn't I going to GʘʘGLE "it" ?

I'll take a guess and say that the following, not necessarily in the same order, will appear when I google "it."

it - a pronoun, a specific object or thing

It - A novel by Stephen King and a made-for-TV movie of the same name

It. - abbreviation of Italy a Mediterranean country

It. - abbreviation for Italian, the people of Italy, also for the cuisine of that country

it - abbreviation for italics, a type of script or font

What Google Gave
IT - Information technology (IT) is the acquisition, processing, storage and dissemination of vocal, pictorial, textual and numerical information by a microelectronics-based combination of computing and telecommunications.

it - pronoun, nominative it, possessive its or ( Obsolete or Dialect ) it, objective it; plural nominative they, possessive their or theirs, objective them; noun

1.
(used to represent an inanimate thing understood, previously mentioned, about to be mentioned, or present in the immediate context): It has whitewall tires and red upholstery. you can't tell a book by its cover.
2.
(used to represent a person or animal understood, previously mentioned, or about to be mentioned whose gender is unknown or disregarded): It was the largest ever caught off the Florida coast. who was it? It was John. The horse had its saddle on.
3.
(used to represent a group understood or previously mentioned): The judge told the jury it must decide two issues.
4.
(used to represent a concept or abstract idea understood or previously stated): It all started with Adam and Eve. He has been taught to believe it all his life.
5.
(used to represent an action or activity understood, previously mentioned, or about to be mentioned): Since you don't like it, you don't have to go skiing.
6.
(used as the impersonal subject of the verb to be, especially to refer to time, distance, or the weather): It is six o'clock. It is five miles to town. It was foggy.
7.
(used in statements expressing an action, condition, fact, circumstance, or situation without reference to an agent): If it weren't for Edna, I wouldn't go.
8.
(used in referring to something as the origin or cause of pain, pleasure, etc.): Where does it hurt? It looks bad for the candidate.
9.
(used in referring to a source not specifically named or described): It is said that love is blind.
10.
(used in referring to the general state of affairs; circumstances, fate, or life in general): How's it going with you?
11.
(used as an anticipatory subject or object to make a sentence more eloquent or suspenseful or to shift emphasis): It is necessary that you do your duty. It was a gun that he was carrying.
12.
Informal . (used instead of the pronoun its before a gerund): It having rained for only one hour didn't help the crops.
–noun
13.
(in children's games) the player called upon to perform some task, as, in tag, the one who must catch the other players.
14.
Slang .
a.
sex appeal.
b.
sexual intercourse.
—Idioms
15.
get with it, Slang . to become active or interested: He was warned to get with it or resign.
16.
have it, Informal .
a.
to love someone: She really has it bad for him.
b.
to possess the requisite abilities for something; be talented, adept, or proficient: In this business you either have it or you don't.
17.
with it, Slang .
a.
aware of the latest fads, fashions, etc.; up-to-date.
b.
attentive or alert: I'm just not with it early in the morning.
c.
understanding or appreciative of something, as jazz.
d.
Carnival Slang . being a member of the carnival.

There you have it! Everything you need to know about it. No sh-it!

№ 2110

A Mish-Mash of This and That

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's Monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that..."

------------------------------------------------

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh really?... Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden . So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know----, not everybody pays".

------------------------------------------------
A man visits his doctor.

“Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you cure me?” he asks.

“No, I can’t,” says the doctor. “But I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span."

------------------------------------------------
Fred was experiencing a very tough time in his life. He felt his faith slipping and was desperate. He pulled out his Bible and decided to open it randomly to get a word from God.

So he flipped pages and stopped at Matthew 27:5, which says, "Judas went out and hanged himself."

He thought he'd try it again and Luke 10:37 came up, where Jesus said, "Go and do thou likewise."

So he quickly flipped to another verse and landed on John 13:27, which says, "What you are about to do, do quickly."

------------------------------------------------
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to have a car-share routine.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the vicar lay hands on the bonnet and pray silently.

"What are you doing?" the priest asks.

The vicar looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it on to the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.

"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and he runs into his synagogue, and he emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the end of the exhaust pipe.

№ 2109

Butterfly Dreams (52)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

Escape To Route 66

The transformation from the menacing persona of General Gates to a placid Vincent Addams and then back once again was, to say the least, unsettling. I recalled reading of such a dramatic metamorphosis in the classic novel, "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" by Robert Louis Stevenson. The fictional Mr. Hyde, however, had had no grandiose designs for world domination.

"Wingate!" he shouted. "Grab Agent Ferrara's gun over there." When the colonel hesitated Gates glared at him, "I expect my future head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to follow my orders ... Brigadier General Wingate!"

"Yes, sir!" the man answered while snapping a crisp salute to his Commander-in-Chief.

If I'd had any thoughts before of Wingate helping us, they were quickly quashed. While it was not the time to be laughing, I couldn't help but to notice the comedic actions of the man as he scurried across the cabin to retrieve the pistol. It was clear that a promotion to such a powerful position would have him giving in to blind loyalty to Addams.

Amid the confusion of the moment Faye rushed to his side and grabbed his arm. "Mr. President ... father," she whimpered, "you know I've always stood by you ..."

"I might have raised you as my own, but you are not from my loins," he said shoving her onto the floor at Professor Jordan's feet. "Cry on your real father's shoulders."

"Leave her alone, General!" Brock O'Day shouted. He knelt beside her and took her hand in his. "Haven't you hurt her enough?"

"Ah, O'Day," he uttered with disdain. "You were once one of my loyal soldiers in Nam, but you've turned against me, haven't you? It's too bad that you learned the hard way that being married to Faye was more demanding than fighting the Viet Cong, eh?"

"Look, she's still a woman, a human being. For all her faults, she deserves to be treated as such," Brock pontificated to him. "She's my wife ... and I love her."

"Touching, very touching," Gates responded. "Very well, have it your way. The two of you will die side by side."

There was a sudden series of high-pitched beeps resounding throughout the cabin. "Jesus H. Christ!" Wingate roared. "We need to get out of here."

Gates spun around and shouted at Wingate, "What is it? What in the hell is happening?"

Wide-eyed in frantic confusion Wingate yelped, "C-4! The detonation timers have been activated!"

"C-4? What C-4?" Gates bellowed. "Wingate, what have you done?"

"Begging your pardon, Mr. President, I was following your orders." he replied.

Gates slapped his palm on the side of his forehead. "I told you that none of the passengers were to make it to this base alive. I didn't say to turn the plane into a fucking fireball!"

Nervous beads of sweat forming on his forehead he answered, "I had my men plant several charges on board before we took off from Bedford. The plan was for myself and my men to jump from the plane ... and then to blow it up in mid-air. One of men, a private, had the remote device. I gave him a direct order to use it, even if I didn't make it off the plane!"

"That didn't happen, you moron, did it? Why did he wait until now to follow your orders?"

"I ... I don't know, sir," Wingate babbled, "I don't know."

Gates swung his pistol around striking the colonel's chin. "You fool! What are you waiting for? Disarm them!"

"I don't know ... where ... they all are," he stammered. "I might be able ... to find one or two of them. There isn't enough time ... to find ... them all!"

"Damn it, Wingate," he snapped, "how much time ... is there?"

Wingate gulped but struggled to swallow, "Less than five minutes, sir. We have to get off this plane ... now!"

Baxter chortled and shook his head, "Somehow, Gates, I wouldn't feel very secure knowing this man was in charge of the Joint Chiefs." He removed something from his breast pocket and tossed it in the direction of the colonel. "It would seem that you put too much faith in ... a private. He said he couldn't kill all the people on the plane, so he handed it to me."

The device struck Wingate's chest and careened away onto the deck. "Baxter? You activated it? Have you gone stark raving mad? You've killed us all!"

"Everyone! Get off the plane! Run on the runway as far away from it as fast as you can!" Baxter shouted.

Without batting an eyelash he twisted his body in a half-pirouette and swung his raised leg in a sweeping arc. The heel of his foot slammed into the Wingate's ribcage sending the hapless colonel slamming into the bulkhead. His actions continued with a stiff-armed shove of his open palm into Gate's chest.

I grabbed Susan's arm and moved toward the door shouting as I stepped past the stunned Wingate, "You heard him! Get off the plane!"

Agents Ferrara and Landers studied Baxter for a moment and decided they weren't about to risk hand-to-hand combat with the man. They turned heel and followed my flight. Professor Jordan and Brock O'Day helped Faye to her feet and they made haste for the exit.

At the foot of the stairs I turned to see Baxter with one foot in the plane and the other on the top stair. He was shouting back into the cabin of the plane, "Forget it, David. Let's go!"

I didn't know how far we were away from the plane or how much time we had before it was blown to smithereens, but not one of us was about to look back. Everyone knew we had to run a long way and had very little time to get there.

Next to me Professor Jordan suddenly stumbled and fell onto the tarmac. Turning to help him I saw that Baxter was on my heels. Waving me ahead, he cradled the man in his arms, picked him up and quickly lurched into full gallop.

One moment the only sounds to be heard were those of our fleeing feet on the runway, in the next, the air was shattered by a series of bone-jarring explosions. The concussed air of the blasts reached us in a millisecond, knocking the lot of us off our feet onto the concrete. Behind us a fireball spewed skyward within a plume of heavy black smoke.

Baxter was the first to his feet and he bellowed, "Get up ... run! That was just the explosives. There's still the fuel ..."

His words were muted as the jet fuel in the plane's main tanks erupted. Only moments after, the fuel in the craft's wings exploded obliterating what remained of the massive plane. Super-heated by the ignited fuel, searing shock waves passed over our grounded bodies.

I glanced over my shoulder to see twin balls of fire, larger than the first, belching into the sky. It was in that moment, that I realized we were far from safe. Trailing dark smoke in their path, pieces of burning metal debris were about to rain down upon us.

Still on his feet and burdened by the weight of the professor, Baxter was already moving toward the end of the runway. "Pieces of the plane ... watch yourselves!" he roared spurring the rest of us to resume our retreat .

Like meteors, burning bits of the plane slammed onto the tarmac all around us. Unrelenting, we desperately ran the gauntlet of deadly metal fragments toward the fence and the gate looming less than a hundred yards ahead of us. The barrier marked the terminus of the airport property and beyond it lie the dead-ended stretch of the legendary Route 66.

A wad of twisted metal the size of a basketball crashed into the ground beside Susan causing her to stumble. Ignoring my broken finger I grabbed the back of her shirt to keep her on her feet even as the pain shot through my hand. She screamed when an intact jet engine crashed in our path, its impact cratering the tarmac under its weight.

A whoosh of air passed over my head. I looked up to see a piece of fuselage the size of a refrigerator door as it kited straight for an unwary Agent Ferrara. Bowled over by the twisted sheet of metal only his feet could be seen beneath it. Landers was quick to come to the aid of his partner and pulled the stunned man free.

Susan and I were the last to join the others at the fence. Baxter's ingenuity never ceased to surprise me as I watched him while he was in the act of trying to break the chain or the lock on the gate. He had picked up what resembled a piece of the strut to the plane's landing gear and was using it as a lever against the weathered links. There was a creak of protesting metal before one of links finally snapped.

Although it had been sitting there all along, it was only then that I paid any heed to the vehicle beyond the fence. Its driver extended an arm and gave a thumbs-up gesture. The passenger side door opened and a beautiful woman stepped into view.

"Looking for a ride?" beamed Michelle.

( To be continued

The Butterfly Net )

№ 2108

Poking Around - Joking Around

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point his mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, she asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...

The mother fainted!

Moral:

Sometimes you need to just shut the f**k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

◄-------------------------------------►

STC (Senior Texting Code)

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWBB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing.... Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

-(Thanks, Cathy)

◄-------------------------------------►

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 bucks?"

◄-------------------------------------►

Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.

Bob says, "Mike, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'"?

I said "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."

So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said "It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.

Bob says, "What are you happy about today Mike?"

"Well Bob... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'"

I told her "Sure you can have a ride in my boat."

"So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'"

A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer.

Bob says, "Mike, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Bob, I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me. Tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here."

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out...Much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!"

"She pulled down her pants and ..... She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG pecker!"

"...And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
-("Borrowed from Phils Phun )

№ 2107

Butterfly Dreams (51)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

Sleight of Hand

Above the console a row of intermittent blue lights blinked across the face of a modem. One after the other each light ceased to flash but shone steady.

The connector in place, Addams depressed the switch that would enable a signal to be broadcast. I could only assume that the transmission tower in the desert, which was being manned by a team of Wingate's men, would then beam an encrypted code into space. My assumption was about to be confirmed.

"Thanks to Colonel Alison of the Air Force," Addams said launching into a gloating diatribe, "I was able to procure the access codes to a few satellites, which because of their strategic geosynchronous orbits, have made it possible for Butterfly Blue to be activated almost simultaneously across the planet."

I shook my head in despair and with a subconscious reflex raised my hand to the back of my head. Beneath my palm I could feel the bristling hairs on my nape as I rubbed there with a vigorous but futile attempt to render the implanted device at the base of my skull inert. Without looking in his direction I realized that Addams was watching my actions.

"Yes, Mr. Black," he said, "the nano-receiver in your head will soon be attuned to the signals from those satellites. When that happens, you will become a loyal subject of the President of the United States ...," he paused raising an octave the decibels of his voice to accentuate the final two chilling words, "... of Earth!"

His megalomaniacal blathering only strengthened my resolve to attempt to resist the inevitable barrage about to be broadcast from space into not only my head, but to an untold number of similar devices around the globe. I knew however, I would not be able to do so. I, like others around the planet, would become a living programmable automaton, an unwitting minion of the mad man before me.

Such was the strength of my concentration to barricade my mind, it felt as if the blood vessels in my forehead were about to burst. The beads of perspiration that formed on my forehead were beginning to drip into my eyes.

Amused by my plight, Addams burst into sadistic laughter. His rodomontade intensified with a curious quote from a popular science fiction program, "I am Locutus of Borg! Resistance is fu-tile!"

To my left I caught sight of David's hand. At belt level his thumb was raised slightly above his clenched fist. Wiping the sweat from my eyes I followed his gaze across the cabin to Brock O'Day. I was greeted by the same flutter from his eyes that he'd displayed earlier. I noticed too that Jordan's head dipped in a barely perceptible nod.

Implausible as it seemed, the three of them still had a plan in play. My mind relaxed its defensive posture and I allowed my thoughts to race, to replay all that had happened since we'd landed at the Amarillo airport. Then it hit me. On the plane, amidst the clouds of teargas, O'Day must have then swapped the connectors.

David, feigning allegiance to his former boss General Gates, had used a series of calculated but risky sleights of hand when he had handled the two connectors. His actions, which had turned out to be duplicitous, had fooled me into thinking he'd made a mistake when he had allowed the original device to be inserted into the receptive port. Somehow, David must have known about Addams' fail safe code. His mistake had been a deliberate one.

Although he had been unaware of O'Day's previous switch of the devices, Addams had nonetheless seen through David's sleight of hand maneuver. Unbeknown to him he had promptly removed the original device and had inserted and activated David's faux connector.

It took several seconds for Addams to realize what was happening. Behind him the two FBI agents lowered their weapons and staggered on their feet. Faye murmured something and looked about in a confused state. Susan rose from the console and stared wide-eyed at the bank of electronic equipment in front of her.

It was probably because of pent up frustrations and anger that I wanted to smash something. I watched my fingers curl into a ball into the palm of my right hand. My thumb pressed so hard against the digits that I felt the pinch of my nails digging into skin.

The stunned onlookers were aware of what I was going to do. Addams-Gates was not! He never saw the clinched missile that was on a collision course with his jaw. He never had the chance to avoid its impact.

"Yow!" I cried out as my fist slammed into his jaw. I felt something pop.

Addams' head twisted from the force of the blow and a moan escaped his lips. He was sent hurtling backward until he fell onto the deck in a crumpled heap at the feet of the two FBI men.

"You sir, are not Jean Luc Picard!" I sniped down at him.

Initially addled by my inexplicable act, Agent Ferrara's years of experience and training seemed to have been forgotten. When he sprung into action he pressed his gun against my chest and yelled, "Hands up or I'll shoot!"

The anger was still welled up inside of me. Despite the searing pain burning in my hand I swiped his arm away from me. Stunned by my sudden move his gun flew from his hand and crashed against the far bulkhead.

Landers, who was helping the President to his feet, started to wield his own weapon when Addams grabbed his arm. Despite the agent's resistance, he held tight onto the arm until the pistol was lowered.

"No! Let him be," he shouted. Gaining his balance and trying to show some dignity, he tugged at his suit jacket and tightened the double Windsor knot of his tie. "I can't say that I blame him. I deserved that."

With my aching right hand cupped in the left one, I looked into Addams' eyes and queried, "Mr. President, is that you?"

With a weak nod he replied, "Yes, I'm Vincent Addams." He rubbed his jaw and moved it back and forth, testing it, before speaking again, "Gates? Is he ... gone? I don't feel his presence ..."

David spoke up, "No, Mr. President. He's still in there. He's probably gone into dormancy to think ... to plan ..."

Susan approached me and pleaded, "Your hand ... let me see it." I winced when she tried to open my fist. Refusing to let go of my hand she touched in turn the tips of each finger. "Uh-huh," she whispered, "you have a broken pinkie."

Brock O'Day stood nearby and chuckled, "Michael, if you should ever choose another vocation, take my advice and don't take up boxing."

Addams had been quiet for several moments, lost in thought. He grimaced and in sincere words addressed us, "I've given this serious thought. For the sake of national security, you need to incapacitate me. Drug me, if you will. You have to get me back to Washington where I will resign as the President. Vice President Chandler has to be sworn in ..."

"Mr. Pres... President," Faye stammered, "Surely there must ... must be another way."

The President threw his hands up onto his head and shrieked! His eyes rolled back and he trembled as if in the throes of a seizure. Then as sudden as the attack had come over him, it subsided.

A feral glare in his eyes and a snarled upper lip announced that Gates' domination of Vincent Addams was once again in effect. "That sniveling weasel thinks I would allow him to step down?" he growled. "How did that weakling ever get elected in the first place?"

"It's over, General Gates," Jeremy Baxter said. "Your entire mind-control network has been shut down ... permanently!"

Gates-Addams' elbow jerked backwards into Agent Landers' solar plexus. As the man doubled over his gun ended up in the hands of his assailant. He backed a safe distance away from the agent and snapped, "You think so, Baxter? I built it once and I can rebuild it."

"There are too many who know ...," I said before letting my words trail off.

"For the moment, Mr. Black, for the moment," he responded with a wave of the gun in his hand. He stared at me and took a step in my direction. "You! You hit me. You hit the President of the United States!" He flashed an evil grin and espoused, "You shall be the first ... of those who know ... to be silenced."

( To be continued

Escape to Route 66 )

№ 2106

You're a Blockhead, Charlie Sheen

Whose Line Is It Anyway?
If one didn't know any better, it would be easy enough to think that the actor Charlie Sheen and the Libyan dictator, Muammar Gaddafi, are auditioning for a new TV series.

Perhaps Drew Carey is considering the pair for a sketch on the comedy improvisation program, "Whose Line Is It Anyway." One thing is certain, the pair have been providing a plethora of material for the late-night TV circuit.

The US actor and the Libyan leader have produced some choice lines recently. What if the author of some of their quotes was not given, would you be able to distinguish between them?

The British publication, The Guardian, has given us the opportunity to see if we can! You can test yourself at the following interactive link:

Gaddafi-Sheen Quiz
Or, for your convenience, you can take the test below. (The answers appear at the end of the post.)

^1. I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^2. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^3. Life without dignity is worthless.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^4. I'm extremely old-fashioned, I'm a nobleman, I'm chivalrous.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^5. I am like the Queen of England.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^6. I am much bigger than any rank, for those who are talking about rank, I am a fighter.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^7. Every great movement begins with one man.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^8. These resentments, they are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^9. I woke up at 4am, before dawn. You should be asleep. You’re all tired after a sleepless night.

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

^10. The US commission report on 9/11 was 'an absolute fairytale, a complete work of fiction.'

a. Sheen
b. Gaddafi

QUIZ ANSWERS:

uǝǝɥs ˙01 ؛ıɟɟɐppɐƃ ˙9 ؛uǝǝɥs ˙8 ؛uǝǝɥs ˙7 ؛ıɟɐppɐƃ ˙6
ıɟɐppɐƃ ˙5 ؛uǝǝɥs ˙4 ؛ıɟɐppɐƃ ˙3 ؛uǝǝɥs ˙2 ؛uǝǝɥs ˙1

№ 2105

Butterfly Dreams (50)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.

-(The Story begins HERE)-

The Mind Squared

It was obvious that the mind and the larger than life ego of General Julius Gates was the dominant persona behind President Addams' outburst. Defeat was not in his vocabulary, and surrender was not an option.

"Mr. President," Wingate shouted grabbing Addams' arm. "You can't do this. It would be cold-blooded murder."

He yanked his arm free of the colonel's grip and took a deep breath. "You're right, of course. I can't be soiling the President's reputation now can I?"

Professor Jordan removed his headset and swiveled in his seat until he was facing Addams. "It's not easy being you ... and him, is it?"

His eyes narrowed and he seemed pensive as if measuring his words before responding, "What are you implying, Jordan?"

"It's obvious," Baxter said, "that he wants to know to whom he's talking."

Addams spun around and stood nose to nose to him, "I've had enough you and your insolence, Baxter! Who are you? Who are you working for? The FBI? The CIA? The NSA?" He backed away suddenly remembering that there were others in the cabin.

"Why, Mr. President," he replied with a mocking inference to the man's title, "those agencies answer to you, do they not?"

"Don't patronize me, asshole!" Addams lashed. "I've seen your record and your current status. Tell me, how is it that a soldier with eight years of service has never been promoted beyond the rank of corporal? How is that your duty status is listed as TAD-classified for the entirety of your second tour of duty?" He paused clinching a raised fist before straightening his necktie to regain his composure. "And why is it that I'm being denied access to the nature of your assignment and to the identity of whomever authorized that status?"

Like Jordan I had removed my headset and was sitting in silence, watching and listening as the drama unfolded. For the past year I had been curious as to how Corporal Jeremy Baxter, had seemingly at will, been able to move about in both the military and civilian arenas.

"It's obvious," Baxter said with a wide grin, "that my orders were issued on a need-to-know basis only. Frankly sir, for matters of national security, the President of the United States was not included on the list of those who need to know."

His nostrils flaring and his face turning red he sniped, "That's preposterous! All matters of national security must come under the auspices of the President!"

"Ahem," Colonel Wingate gulped. "I'm afraid he's right, Mr. President." He averted his eyes from Addams' angry glare before elaborating, "There are provisions in our Constitution to limit the powers of the President, who is after all, an elected civilian."

Brock O'Day laughed aloud, apparently to have his own say. "You know, I don't always agree with our Congressmen and Senators, but I've just gained a lot more respect for them."

Addams pointed at Baxter and snapped, "So that's it! You're answering to some senator, maybe several of them!" He rubbed his chin and mused, "They must be operating through a committee, an insignificant one that gets little attention. Perhaps, technically it doesn't even exist. Now, why would there be a need for a covert committee in the first place?"

"Begging your pardon, Mr. President," said Faye as she approached him, "might I suggest that it was your successor behind Corporal Baxter's duty status as well as the formation of this possible committee?"

Nodding in agreement to Faye's observation Wingate said, "Jackson Baker would have known about the mind research and the various projects associated with it. That he might have surrounded himself with some senators that he trusted is not out of the question. Have you not aligned yourself with some of the current senators, Mr. President?"

"Let's keep how I run my office out of this discussion," Addams responded.

I couldn't help myself but to declare, "You can't be soiling the President's reputation, now can you?"

He flashed a sardonic grin before allowing his facial features to morph into a menacing scowl. "I don't know who's been the biggest thorn in my side ... you and your wife or Corporal Baxter?" He paused and scanned the faces of the others in the cabin. "For that matter, the lot of you have been more itches than I care to scratch."

"Ah, would it then be safe to say," Jordan interjected, "that Vincent T. Addams is nothing more than a rash?"

"That's twice that you've used my name in the second person. Why?" Addams demanded.

A toothy smile appeared below the professor's moustache, "Why don't we cut to the chase ... Julius?"

Addams heard the audible gasp that escaped Faye's lips but remained stoic, "Professor, it would appear that your mind has been turned to mush from using those headsets once too often."

"Perhaps it is you who suffers from a gelatinous brain. You never weighed the consequences of how the mind of a politician versed in diplomacy might coexist with that of a crazed power-hungry warmongering general." Bemused Jordan watched Addams' reactions to his words. It was clear that the man was trying to suppress the anger festering within him.

"Coexisting minds?" Addams sputtered. Fiddling with his necktie he adopted a more defensive manner and tried to tap into the diplomatic trait that Jordan had cited. "Everyone here knows we have been exploring the use of the human mind, telepathy if you will, but really professor ... mind swapping?"

"Mind swapping?" Jordan harrumphed. "You and I both know that you've progressed beyond mere mind swapping."

Addams raised his arms and spread them, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is what happens when a man's mind enters flights of fantasy. He becomes delusional."

"The charades must end here!" Jordan roared. Gaining his composure he continued, "I know that the merger of two minds in one body is not only possible, but it has been accomplished ... on two occasions."

"The mind squared," I asserted.

Addams' eyes widened as he stared long and hard at the old man who stood before him in undaunted defiance. The realization of the meaning of the man's words could have easily been mistaken for a sense of visual recognition.

He folded his arms across his chest and smiled at his adversary. "Bishop ... Bishop King? You ... you are in there?"

"Yes, Julius, it is me. When I realized what you'd pulled off during that so-called assassination attempt on the President, I knew I had to stop you."

"Ha!" Addams cried. "You forced your mind into Professor Jordan's head. You, sir, are no better than me!"

"Mr. President or General Gates, whichever one of you is present, this is Jordan speaking. Bishop did not forcibly put his mind in my head. No. It was my idea. I suggested that we undergo the procedure. Like Bishop, I too wanted to stop your plans."

I noticed that everyone else in the cabin, like me, had become a stunned and silent audience. I was amazed that the mind of Jordan-King was able to allow its two personae to function, independent of the other. I couldn't help but wonder how a psychiatrist would diagnose the man with anything but a multiple personality disorder. He would be wrong.

"You see, I was dying. My body was failing. After the cemetery services of Ben and Susan I was visited by Professor Jordan," said King.

Jordan picked up the narrative, "...And I was aware that I was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. In the end, it was an easy decision for both of us."

"Bah!" Addams-Gates bellowed. "You're driving me crazy ... the two of you talking through the same mouth! I won't allow that to happen to me. I'm stronger than Addams and I alone run this body."

"Don't underestimate him, Julius," Jordan countered. "Like it or not, he's in there, somewhere in your head, he's there."

"Enough of this bantering!" he roared smacking his fist into his open palm. "You're plans were for naught. You've failed. You have not stopped me!" He extended his hand to Wingate and said, "Give me the connector you're holding, Colonel."

Although there was a nervous look on his face David said, "You're wasting your time, sir. My connector rendered your program useless."

"Did it now?" Addams gloated. "David, your skills at sleight of hand might be impressive but your attempt to sabotage my plans also failed. Of course, you had no way of knowing that I had fail-safe measures in place."

He shoved David away from the console and switched the connectors. He winked at the young man, "Your device did nothing. No signal was sent. It's like this, son, this station will not transmit without first receiving a coded signal from a remote signal." He picked up a telephone receiver and punched three buttons.

"No!" David exclaimed. "You can't do this!"

"I can and I will," he boasted. He looked around at the gathered faces and grinned. "I'm putting this on speaker. I think you'll get out of it."

"Hello, General Gates," said the voice on the line. "I'm awaiting your instructions."

I felt sick to my stomach. There was no denying to whom the voice belonged.

"Stu Janikowski, my old friend. It is good to hear your voice. You may send the transmission ... now!"

( To be continued

Sleight of Hand )

№ 2104

Life According to Elvis

SOME people follow Confucius, others swear by the philosophical insights of Plato or Sartre.

I for one, instead, study the songs of Elvis Presley.

Taken as a whole, they contain everything from handy tips about geography
("a river flows surely to the sea") to practical travel advice (the YMCA in Memphis has cheap accommodations), right through to religious instruction ("I'm lonely like Adam, you're evil like Eve").

Herewith are the 30 things I've learned about life from listening to Elvis.

TRAVEL
1. The typical train is 16 carriages long.
2. All food in Germany consists of hasenpfeffer and black pumpernickel.
3. The Heartbreak Hotel is located at the end of Lonely Street and its desk clerk dresses in black.
4. Hula dancers are best judged by their ability to really move that grass around.
5. A harem in the Middle East contains 20 women.
6. So efficient is the US postal service that it will return an unwanted letter within 24 hours of its initial posting
.7. There are few sounds that make you feel more lonely than that of the midnight train.
8. If hitchhiking, it's hard to choose a better destination than Memphis Tennessee.

RELATIONSHIPS
1. When inviting a young woman to dance, you may increase your chances by noting that chicken is being served in the barn.
2. If rejected by the older sister in a family, by all means have a crack at her little sister, who may have matured more than you at first noticed.
3. Women named Marie are naturally duplicitous.
4. It's OK to date your cousin, providing she's a distant cousin "but not too distant with you".
5. Girls named Daisy tend to drive you crazy.
6. If caught without a partner during a dance at a federal penitentiary, why not try dancing with a wooden chair?
7. Conversation with a girlfriend can become tiresome if she fails to break up the conversation every now and then with a little action
.8. A .44-calibre pistol is an excellent firearm choice for a woman whose partner was doin' her wrong.

PERSONAL GROOMING
1. If wearing suede shoes, particularly of a light hue, one should make their protection one's No. 1 priority, even above that of preventing arson attacks on one's own home.

THE ANIMAL KINGDOM
1. There are few looks in life more intense than that of a one-eyed cat peeping in a seafood store.
2. A passionate kiss can be measured by the fact that even a team of wild horses would be unable to drag apart the two participants.
3. The embrace of a grizzly bear provides a useful point of comparison when considering the pressure necessary to demonstrate real passion during an affair.
4. A good hound dog should be able to catch a rabbit.

GEOGRAPHY
1. People are more likely to be alone during a blue moon than during any other lunar event.
2. In the state of Kentucky, precipitation usually occurs when a man is hitchhiking from town to town, having been abandoned by his baby.

MEDICAL
1. The lips of attractive women tend to taste like breakfast spread, in particular honey.
2. A temperature of 109 is quite common during the early stages of an affair.
3. The experience of love, especially early in life, can have serious medical consequences including sensations of itching, hand tremors, leg spasms, heart palpitations and language difficulties.

HISTORY
1. American soldiers were unable to approach young women in Germany in the period after the war, as local women wore signs in German saying, "Keepen Sie Off The Grass."

PHILOSOPHY
1. Children born in disadvantaged areas such as ghettos should receive special assistance as this reduces the likelihood of them turning to a life of crime, thus perpetuating an endless cycle of disadvantage
2. A rabbit's foot, while widely considered a creator of good luck, makes only a moderate contribution to one's happiness compared to the impact of finding a good life partner.
3. If you suspect someone is evil check their middle name because it may well be "Misery".

Now, show me one passage in Plato, Sartre or Confucius that can match all of that for depth, width and wisdom.

I've lived my life by it, how about you?

RIP Elvis, the King.
№ 2103