Anti-Bush Tsunami

Stench Of Elephant Carcasses Litter The Political Landscape

For several hours after the polls closed on November the 2nd, television programming was still being held hostage by political pundits. News anchors, appearing to be in the throes of sexual activity, bumbled, stumbled and mumbled over the constantly changing projections.
....Meanwhile, the ratings numbers for Wheel Of Fortune and Jeopardy were sky-rocketing through the roof. It's not a recent phenomenon either. Syndicated programs on non-network stations have long outdrawn elections coverage. I for one, would have settled for a rerun of Ishtar had it been playing.

....Now that the elections have come and gone, so too have all those political advertisements. Over the last few weeks practically every TV station had breaks filled with campaign ads for one candidate or another.
....I hate to admit it, but I'm looking forward to product commercials! I have actually missed seeing Jarod pitching those Subway sandwiches. I welcome those repetitive car and truck ads. It'll be refreshing to see that four-eyed geek saying into his phone, "Can you hear me now?"
....Will those Madison Avenue types keep me in suspense very long before they reveal the next Miller "Man Law?" Maybe McGuyver will use his credit card to purchase a few things from Wal-Mart to use in a daring escape. That sudden chill in the air ... can it be? Yes! It's the Coors Silver Bullet train!
....How long will I have to wait before I see that shit-eating grin of Smilin' Bob? My libido needs to be called into question when he represents Enzyte? I'll ponder how long I would wait to see a physician if a pill actually gave me an erection lasting four or more hours. Now that's a hard question!
....Ah, but it's between Halloween and Thanksgiving, and you know what that means! Yep, Christmas commercials! Time-Life will be trying to get me to send $29.95 plus S&H for Yo Yo Ma's Christmas album. What music collection would be complete without a Yuletide CD by the master of the pan flute, Zamfir?
....Have you ever noticed that a Rogaine commercial sometimes follows the obligatory hawking of Chia Pets? If you flip the stations, you will see an ad for a nose trimmer, which just might follow a Flomax ad.

(Sigh!) Maybe I should have TiVo-ed those political ads!

Maybe they aren't such super heroes after all!

I think ol' Dubya is going to need more than the Justice League of America and the Avengers if he's looking for support after this election. The political Zoo has just replaced the elephants with donkeys!

No.794

Congressional Party

We're all invited to a party! Congress has set aside $20 million to commemorate success in Iraq and Afghanistan. Say what? What success?
....Have I been a coma for the past year or so? Did I miss the headlines announcing that the WMD were found? I remember neither reading nor seeing any news that al-Qaida or any of the insurgents have laid down their weapons and ceased all hostilities.
....Am I to understand that all of those daily reports and images of our troops coming home in body bags have been falsified? I don't recall hearing that Osama bin Laden had been captured or killed.
....Meanwhile, the Senate is up in arms over the appropriation of these funds. I guess the Senators are on the same page as me, either that or we've been stranded on the same island with the survivors of the Minnow. It appears our Congressmen, on the other hand, are seeing the glass as half full. They have tinted their rose-colored glasses in the shade of the U.S. dollar. They don't see what all the fuss is about. They justified the bill by stating that its passage was unanimous.

Unanimous as in "YOU-namimous?" I feel safe in surmising that you didn't vote for it. I'm relatively certain that it wasn't "We-nanomous" either. Under no circumstances was it "ME-nanimous!"

Well, well ... since the party is a go, 20 million dollars can go a long way toward a successful bash. All I want to know is who is going to be put in charge of refreshments and entertainment? Everyone knows that a good party must have plenty of cold kegs on hand.
....I want to see a good spread when it comes to the hors d'oeuvres. So please, forgo the bait! In a word, ixnay the sushi. When I arm myself with one of those cellophane-tipped toothpicks to go gigging for a bite to eat, I hope that both the bacon and the scallops are completely cooked for a change.

I just had a thought! (Yeah, yeah accidents happen!) Why not take that 20 million dollars and apply some of it to a few apparently less important things? Maybe I'm out of line, or maybe I'm clueless as to the inner workings of our government, but I'm just tossing out possible viable alternatives to a gala event.
....Bear with me, oh wise sages of the Congress, but could even a small portion of those dollars be used for health benefits for the poor? Don't like that idea? Then I guess funneling some of the dough to the Katrina victims would be out of the question. That means that education loses out too, right?

Like a bolt of lightning out of the blue, I've just had the mother of all epiphanies! I have to learn to think like a politician, especially a Senator.
....My open hand is extended. Put it there! Hold it, Teddy, I don't want to shake your hand. You know full well the international sign of payola is an open palm. It's my Jerry McGwire moment, pal. Show me the money and I'll delete this post right now!

Well folks, it turns out that ol' Teddy flips nickles like they were manhole covers. I didn't get a red dime! So, on with the show - the post is getting published!

No.765

Snakes On A Blog

Before you start reading about "Snakes On A Blog," have yourself a laugh first by checking out this link. (It is adult material, so consider yourself warned.)

It's that time of year when snakes crawl out from under their rocks. It's campaign time! (This should not be confused with Howdy Doody Time, even if you consider yourself part of the Peanut Gallery known as the public.) As the snakes slither forth into the public eye, they are armed with venomous rhetoric.
....For the past several months they been amassing their supplies of "mud pies." Sadly, most of our politicians are fork-tongued mudslingers. (Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.)
....Many of them have no platforms based upon their own accomplishments, but rather attack their opponents instead. If they make their competition look bad they can "steal" some votes. As a result, both sides come out firing full salvos at the other. (It's Deja Moo - that feeling that you've heard the bullshit before.)
....Taxachussets, aka Massachusetts, has had more than its fair share of these serpentine politicians. After all, it is this state that has produced such belly-crawlers as the Kennedys.
....The hot race in Massachusetts is that for the office of Governor. With current Governor Mitt Romney thought to be considering a run at the White House in 2008, his office has been hotly contested. With the primaries out the way, it has been narrowed down to the current Lt. Governor Kerry Healy and her Democratic challenger, Deval Patrick.
.... (Let the mudslinging beging!)

I have found myself mused by Healy's recent tactics. You can almost hear the hiss in her voice when she introduced us to her "stage props." She has been rolling out electronic tote boards. They aren't counting money. The two opponents slant on taxes diverge. She pomises to cut taxes because the people of Massachusetts are paying too much as it is. (Hear! Hear!) He admits that taxes may have to be increased into order to maintain a balanced budget. (A classic oxymoron if I ever heard one.)
....First she unveiled "The Taxometer;" it's constantly changing numbers supposedly represent the taxes being paid on every item purchased to date. Her latest tote board was "The Spendometer." Now this counter is "tallying" the state's unnecessary spending. Of course, the number crunching is controlled, if not by her, but by someone in her charge.

This is where I come into the picture! I've come up with some tote board ideas of my own.

The Rhetoric-ometer - This device will feature two sets of numbers and will record all the political-speak used by each candidate. I think the voters would be interested in knowing how much banal comments and trite tired cliches are being used by each.

The Scandal-ometer - With this counter the voters will know about the scandals even before the press gets their mitts on the information.

The Paper-ometer - Does the candidate pull the toilet paper down from the top or up from the bottom?

The "R"-ometer - Do they park their cars, or do they pahk their cahs? (Very important in Massachusetts politics.)

And last but not the least: The Bullshit-ometer - Since these devices are designed to count things, how could we not keep track of all the crap the politicians espouse.

Sic hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes! (If you can read this, you're over educated.)

No.763