Grandma's Revenge

The following cartoon didn't fit with any of my previous posts, and it certainly doesn't fit here either. While it is a bit of a groaner, I liked it. It's colorful, and, well ... it's a ... groaner!

Rudolph Got Run Over By My Grandma*

(CHORUS:)
Rudolph got run over by my grandma
While cruisin' all those back roads;
Even though huntin' season was over,
She bagged that deer with the shiny nose.

She'd been listening to the radio
And she nearly lost her breath
Yellin' cuss words at the DJ
For playin' that song where she gets hooved to death.

So she set out on the warpath
There was evil in her eye
She said "I'm gonna find that reindeer
And by golly, one of us is gonna die!"

(CHORUS:)

Santa Claus had made a landing
On the new expressway
Grandma was doin' 120
With her headlights pointed straight at Santa's sleigh.

'Twas an awful sound of impact
Grandma really nailed him good
There were hoofprints on her windshield
And a pair of ripped-off antlers on her hood

(CHORUS:)

Guess we'll all be missing Rudolph
In the winter when it snows
But now he's up in reindeer heaven
With a Buick logo stamped into his nose.

But there's no regret from Grandma
As she drove away, she sneered,
And then she hollered out the window
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a FLAT DEER!"

(CHORUS:)

(*Another piece of work from the archives of Anonymous.)

No.843

I've Blogged Everywhere, Man

I've Blogged Everywhere, Man
(Sung to the tune of Johnny Cash's " I've Been Everywhere, Man")

I was postin' to my blog on-line at my Beta-Blogger place,
I realized I have a lot friends but wouldn't know their face.
One of them asked me how is it that I can find all the time
To post so often and then visit and read those friends of mine,
And then he asked me if I read everyword and if I understand.
And I said, "Listen, Bud, I've surfed sites all over this land."

-(Chorus)- I've surfed everywhere, man;
I've been everywhere, man
All across the Internet, man
I've breathed the mountain air, man
I've had my share, man, I've surfed everywhere.

(Chant)- Schnoodlepooh, Shoo Shoo, Kenju, Hoosier Girl, Merle, Duke of Earl,Ben O, Zambo, Dawn, Sean, Megan, Warren, Nankin, Monty, Marti, Cheri, Izzy, Pirate, Janet, Unhappy Thinker and Jennifer

-(Chorus)- I've surfed everywhere, man;
I've been everywhere, man
All across the Internet, man
I've breathed the mountain air, man
I've had my share, man, I've surfed everywhere.

(Chant)- Poopie, Sudie, Suzie, Tan Lucy, Karla, Cinderella, Rebecca, Carolyn, Jillian, New Mom On The Blog, Hijacked Blog, Skunk Feathers, Aral Pez, Steve G., Raggedy, Tony, Ivy, Mr. Fabulous, Old Hoss, Rachael and Chelle

-(Chorus)-I've surfed everywhere, man;
I've been everywhere, man
All across the Internet, man
I've breathed the mountain air, man
I've had my share, man, I've surfed everywhere.

(Chant)- Christina, Miss Cellania, Zinnia, Windfall Woman, Stringman, Bubbleman, Doug, King Features, Peter, Jay, Redneck Nerdboy, Serena Joy, Jules, LZ Blogger, Lime, Funny Pics, Big Dick, Blue Cow, Jack, Canadian Dude, and Utube

-(Chorus)-I've surfed everywhere, man;
I've been everywhere, man
All across the Internet, man
I've breathed the mountain air, man
I've had my share, man, I've surfed everywhere.

(Chant)-Inanna, Laina, Fred's World, Snav's World, Karen, Karyn, M.E. Ellis, Liz, Blue Dilly, Jipzee, Nicki, Miss Vickie, Lisa, Mia, Junie Rose, Top Cat, Kat, Sar, Tisha Sharp, Uncle Ralph, and Saurkraut

-(Chorus)-I've surfed everywhere, man;
I've been everywhere, man
All across the Internet, man
I've breathed the mountain air, man
I've had my share, man, I've surfed everywhere.

"I know some place you haven't been." I'm surfing everywhere...

I hope that's everyone man,
All from my Blogroll, man
They're from everywhere, man
And I'm wishing every woman and man

A Merry Christmas ... And a Happy New Year.

(...And if you think I was going to link all those, man,
You're crazy, man!
They're on my sidebar, man,
You can surf everywhere too, man!)

No.840

The Snowman With Snowballs

Frothy The Snowman
(sung to the tune of Frosty the Snowman)

Frothy the snowman
was an angry yellow chap
With a used stogie and a dildo nose,
and two eyes from bottle caps.
Frothy the snowman
was cold and ev'ry one recalls
He was made of snow but the people
know how he had a set of balls.

There must have been some magic in the
dogs piss that was sprayed
For when they pissed upon his body
he cussed and had a mean tirade.
O
Frothy the snowman
was alive as he could be
And the town folk say he could cuss
and beat the crap out of you and me.

Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety ouch ouch
Watch Frothy's balls go
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety ouch ouch
Over the hills of snow

Frothy the snowman knew the sun was hot that day
So he said "I'll shoot those dogs just for fun
now before I melt away."
Down to the village
with a shotgun in his grasp
Shooting here and there all
around the square cussing
"I'll shoot you in the ass."

He chased them down the streets of town
right to the liquor store
And he only paused a moment just
To have himself a snort.

For Frothy the snowman
Wanted those dogs spayed,
But he flipped them goodbye saying
"Don't you growl
I'll be back again some day."

Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety ouch ouch
Look at Frothy go
Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety ouch ouch
On his balls of snow.

No.833

Tom Turkey*

*(With apologies to The Kingston Trio)

Spoken Intro:
Throughout history there have been many songs about the Human Appetite. This next one tells the story of a husband, a beautiful wife, and a condemned bird named Tom Turkey. When the sun rises tomorrow, Tom Turkey must cook.

Chorus
Hang down your head, Tom Turkey
Hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head, Tom Turkey
Poor bird, you're going to die.

I met them at the farm stand, there they fed me bread.
Met them at the farm stand, looks like I'll lose my head.

Chorus

This time tomorrow, reckon where I'll be;
Hadn't been for Thanksgiving, I'd a been still free.

Chorus

Chorus Repeat - (Everybody sing along!)

This time tomorrow, reckon where I'll be led,
Down in some broilin' oven, stuffed with bread.

Chorus

Chorus finale
Hang down your head (your head!), Tom Turkey
Hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head (your head!), Tom Turkey
Poor bird you're going to ... die.

No.807

Halloween Carols

It Occurred to me ... (Now where have I heard that before?) ... Ahem, anyway, it occurred to me that Halloween has become as popular as Christmas when it comes to decorations and yard displays.

Christmas, however, has one thing that Halloween does not - carols. Far be it for me not to try to remedy that oversight. Not being in the slightest musically inclined, I had to resort to "borrowing" the tunes from some well known Christmas carols.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Halloween

It's beginning to look a lot like like Halloween

Everywhere you go;

Take a look in the five-and-ten flowing once again

With candy corn and spooky skulls aglow.

It's beginning to look a lot like Halloween,

Candy in every store;

But the scariest sight to see are the kids who will be

Knocking on your front door.

Hmmm ... not bad. I think I can do better. I just had a thought. Don't worry, it's like lightning - never twice in the same place. Seeing that Halloween and the elections are so close together and that both can be quite scary, I feel a Halloween-Election song coming on ...

Do You Hear What I Hear?

Said the mummy to the little gnome,
Do you see what I see?
Way up the street, little gnome,
Do you see what I see?
A ghost, a ghost, dancing in the street
With its eyes cut in a sheet,
With its eyes cut in a sheet.

Said the little gnome to Snow White,
Do you hear what I hear?
Crying up the street, Snow White,
Do you hear what I hear?
A scream, a scream, carried in the breeze
With a voice as scary as can be,
With a voice as scary as can be.

Said little Snow White to King Bush,
Do you know what I know?
In that house over there, King Bush,
Do you know what I know?
Candy, candy, awaits us in that house,
Let us go and ring the bell,
Let us go and ring the bell.

Said King Bush to the people everywhere,
Listen to what I say.
There will be peace, people everywhere,
Listen to what I say,
Over there in Iraq, cross your fingers tight,
I will bring us peace and end the war,
I will bring us peace and end the war.

Said the people to mighty King Bush,
You listen to what we say!
We'll put Democrats in, mighty King Bush,
So, listen to what we say.
A change, a change, with no more tricks,
He'll bring us candy and treats,
He'll bring us candy and treats.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back tonight, folks! Of course, you can do like I do - wait until I get up and do it tomorrow.

No.783