Banners Are Us

As a service to some loyal readers and in response to the reaction to the banners and lights on my recent post Lights of broadway, I have created some for them. Feel free to copy and paste them on your site. I save them to the "My Pictures" file. They are there when and if i need them.

Also, you can visit the source of these banners, titles, logos, etc. at Flaming Text . You can also clink on the link on my sidebar. Did you notice the dragon over there on the sidebar floating while you are scrolling. You can also click on its text box to get there.

For Schnoodlepooh: (By the way I mispelled this on the post)









For Old Hoss:








For Dawn:









For Karyn:









For Aral: (Another Pez image for you to copy if you wish)














Sorry if I missed anyone. (I know I did.) Take me to the carpet and let me know and I will correct the omission.
....Anyway, you can click on the links mentioned above and design your own. It is easy. If I could figure it out - it is extremely easy!

No. 326

Lights of Broadway

Schnoodlepooh - the star maker!

Seriously, Peg is an agent, a promoter and a marketing mogul. Be prepared when you are chosen Star of the Week ! Watch your counter spin!

It is a very good idea that Peg came up with. She will choose a different blogger each time to write about. It is a trickle-down effect - a domino principle - but the readers do drop by - in droves! She uses a line from Field of Dreams : "Build it, they will come." Write it, they will read it!

No.325

New Orleans ...

Nothing to say -

Silence and

Reflections...




No. 324

Old Hoss Channel - New Season

I was sitting in my chair and I was getting rather bored with the television. It was Labor Day and I had been watching Jerry Lewis' annual Telethon. While it is certainly a worthy cause, it is not always highly entertaining. To make matters worse they had switched from the national telecast to the local yokels. This year the proceeds from the pledges of the last three hours will be directed to victims of Hurricane Katrina. I applaud them for that generous offer.
....Anyway, so I began to click my remote. It's ironic, over 200 channels and yet I can usually find not a thing that interests me. Then I remembered that new channel - The Old Hoss Channel! While I don't begrudge Old Hoss from making a little scratch for his pile, I must say that he is producing some quality programming. Luckily I had just landed on the channel while they were announcing the new Fall schedule.

....At 6PM - The Secret of Crop Circles: Caught in the act, the perpetrators of a recent complex design in a Nebraska wheat field agree to be interviewed by Old Hoss himself. Prepare yourself for a surprise as the two step forward out of the shadows of mystery for this unique talk with Glorp and his twin sibling Gloph. For the first time the world will meet these little men from Alpha Centauri Prime.

....At 6:30 - Where Are They Now?: The 7 Dwarfs: Since Snow White married her Prince Charming, little is known about those she left behind. Old Hoss has learned that they had changed their names and are none other than the current Golf Pros who have been winning virtually every tournament on the PGA tour.
....Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful, Doc, Sleepy and Grumpy are now known as Slicey, Trappy, Bogey, Toppy, Mulligan, Hooky and ThreePutty respectively. Tune in as they explain why they turned to golf and gave up their lucrative mining business.
....Also, the Seven Dwarfs will talk about their life with Snow White and reveal what went on behind closed doors. In spite of a pending lawsuit by Snow White to block its publication, they will discuss their forthcoming book, The Cherry With Seven Dents. A spokesperson for Snow White said that the Princess has refused to be interviewed on the same program with those Seven Perverts.

....At 7PM - Lost Episodes - Bonanza: Only Hoss with his connections could come up with this obscure and thought to be lost episode of that classic Western program.
....In this story a wagon load of women gypsy nudists are rescued from the clutches of some lonely cattleman. The gratitude they bestow upon the Cartwrights leads to jealousy and rage among the residents of Virginia City. When the naked women are kidnapped from the Ponderosa, Ben and his sons head into town to save the ladies' virtues. The town folk and the viewers learn why Hoss and Little Joe were given those names. Old Hoss won't say if he is related in any way.

....At 8PM - The Women of the Catalog Casanova: Even the Pointmeister who discovered them was scooped by Old Hoss in this shocking look at the sex lives of women at the age of 80 and older. The ladies, when asked about Casanova's absence, said that they wore him out the night before the interview and he was unable to make it out of bed.
....The ladies slipped into nothing for their visit from Hoss and were quite charming said the host later. "Just because we are in our 80s," said Tillie using her breasts to hold her plate in place on the table, "Doesn't mean we aren't capable of wanting and enjoying sex." The host would not comment when she asked him if he had ever had Boobs A la Mode.
...."I must admit I was tempted to sample some when she spilled some right between them," he said after the interview. He said that Mary was a little shy but had a great body for her age. It was Tillie though who was bubbly and kept trying to hit on him.

....At 9PM - Dolls: Barbie Faces Reality: The makers of girls' dolls such as Barbie, have finally opened their eyes to the real world. Barbie has gotten a make over to reflect the times. Girls want their dolls to look like their mothers and sisters. They want them to be realistic even beyond anatomy. Due to hit the stores for the up-coming Christmas season "Trailer Park Trash Barbie" will make her debut along with "Crack Whore Barbie" and "Paris Hilton Barbie." Trailer Park Trash Barbie pictured here, comes knocked up with three infants, a cigarette in her mouth and a six pack of Budweiser.
....The action figures for boys will feature at least one 'real' figure when "G.I. Junkie Joe" is introduced also in time for the holidays.

....And at 10PM - Madonna's Accident - What Really Happened: The Material Girl's recent horse-riding accident had the Old Hoss Channel's crew trying to uncover just who was riding! It appears that camera film dropped off at a local pharmacy brings to question just who was saddled, and who was pulling Trigger.
....In an exclusive one on one with TOHC reporters, a ranch hand was quoted as saying, "It isn't her we are worried about. Trigger has been sufering from depression. Sometimes he just mutters over and over, 'She doesn't call ... She doesn't write." The ranchers say they are concerned because several of the stable mares are in season, but Trigger has been ignoring them. "He seems to have only one mare on his mind," said the foreman.
....Though unconfirmed, a nurse is said to have heard the famous entertainer muttering to herself, "He doesn't call ... He doesn't write."
....Stay tuned to The Old Hoss Channel for further developments.

....No.323

Honey-Do the Dishes?

Look over yonder,
What do you see?
A new day is arising
Most definitely.
-Tommy James & the Shondelles
Crystal Blue Persuasion

"Honey, it's about time you did the lawn, isn't it?"

It was Sunday morning and I had just finished my coffee. It was a passing fantasy that after yesterdays plumbing job there would be no pressing matters for the remainder of the weekend.

I knew all along it wouldn't come to pass. I knew it had to be done and I had silently planned to take care of the lawn on the holiday. What ever happened to "resting on the seventh day?" A card carrying member of Club Honey-Do, I knew that Honey-Had-Better-Do it or I'd have no peace until Honey-Had-Done-It.

I have a small yard and it usually takes only two hours to do the job. Besides, by having it done before noon I'd be inside before the hottest part of the day. The grass had started to grow almost as high as my prized dandelions, I noticed to my chagrin. I saw that my neighbor's dog had been assuring my lawn had received the proper nitrates again. A lawn needs a good fertilizer, and I was thankful I had spotted his gift of nutrients before I stepped in it.

I began by trimming the hedges, the crab apple tree and the other two large bushes. Next I fired up the weed-whacker. In the Southern states this is referred to as weed-eatin'. Whacking or eatin', either way I trimmed and edged the lawn by the driveway and next to the house where the mower would miss. Both the hedge clippers and the weed-whacker are electric which meant I had 50 feet of extension cord to wind up when those tasks were completed. My newest cord could be distinguished from the older one because it had only three bands of electrical tape marking the times they were severed by the hedge clipper. The other had at least eight.

The roar of the lawn mower announced to the neighborhood husbands that some jerk was sending a bad message to their wives. Hey! Turnabout is fair play after all! At least I had waited until after ten in the morning. My front yard is what you hear called a postage stamp yard; it is quite small. In five minutes it was done. As I turned the corner to the side of the house so that I could mow the side of the house on the way to the back yard, I knocked over the lawn gnome. After I had righted it and continued, I could have sworn it was telling me what it thought of my carelessness.

Even though the back yard is nearly twice the size of the front, it is easier to mow as there are no shrubs or hedges. My own dogs earn their keep by fertilizing the back yard, which means I have to watch where I step back there also. As I had reckoned by the time I was finished and put away all the lawn paraphenalia, it was 11:35. I would be in and out of the shower before the big and little hands rested on 12 noon.

My wife was laying on the couch - asleep. She had fallen asleep watching one of those how-to-Honey-Do things around the house programs. This Old House and its ilk had caused me many a Honey-Do project on My Own House. Will Rogers never met Norm. After my shower I settled down at the computer and posted my escapades with the plumbing job the day before in the post "Honey-Doings: Trappings." I managed to catch part of the Red Sox victory over the Orioles on the radio while I surfed on one of my image scavenger hunts.

It was after four when I heard the dreaded word "will," which is always fraught with the follow-up words, "you do." What did Norman make or fix before she fell asleep? A spiral staircase? An armoire? An enclosed deck? A pirates plank for me to walk? Don't get me wrong, I believe it is only right for a husband to help around the house. But under the circumstances I was flabbergasted to hear "Honey-Do the dishes?"

No.322

A Man of Letters

I found this image over at Timmy's place. He said, "Neat, huh?" I agree, it is neat. It was so neat that I decided to "borrow" it .

PUZZLING

Speaking of letters, I have recently come across the following group of letters:

GRUITU NMOQHI AVEBBAX SEXY ODTXFT FDJGZ YCWDEDO UULRAN SUMMER CVSFHD AGNWH XHZYOMKD FLOWER CMCYOH NASCAR
HZMNWKLQ EPYEGYF CANDY PCCTRKXE URGZYX BLITZ AHZMHDQ
RHYDTOCF EYZINDP OOPS WJFGAPVN EHMQFBMR KISSY GLPOPOY

Does that make any sense to you at all? Do you know what the group of letters represents? Those in bold face are not clues. They should be considered no different than any of the others.
....Is it a code? Can you make heads or tails of the letters? From the Multiple choices can you pick the answer?

(a) They mean nothing but a group of letters to perplex you that I made up
(b) It is the code that the Germans used in WWII that the British broke using a captured Enigma Machine
(c ) The above is an actual cryptogram puzzle that appeared in a newspaper (like the one Actonbell featured recently)
(d) None of the above

If you choose (d) what is the correct answer as to what they represent? This is no guarantee that (d) is in fact the correct answer. I'll post the answer tomorrow to give every one a chance to work on it, or get it right away.

No.321

Honey-Doings: Trappings

When Honey-Do things have to be Honey-Done, Honey-doers have no clock.

In the last posting in this series, Honey-Doings: Reprise, post No. 311, I was left with a hopelessly clogged drain pipe between the kitchen sink and the waste line running to the main soil pipe. I had isolated the clog to be in a four to five foot run of pipe behind the kitchen cabinets and inside the outer wall.

I decided that option one to rip out the cabinets and to tear into the wall was not a viable one. (In other words, any other option was preferable.) The next option was to run a hose and use a power blaster to send send high pressure pulses of water into the pipe in hopes that the clog would be blasted free. This option was scratched because the products that I could find of this nature would not work. One required that the blaster be completely submerged. As the access point to use this device was seven feet off the ground in the basement, I didn't think that Honey-Boss would want the basement filled to the ceiling with water. And I just don't happen to own a set of Scuba gear.
....Another option was to contribute to the "Help Feed A Plumber's Family Fund." I have nothing against tradesmen such as plumbers, but I too have a family to feed. I receive no benefits from the HFAPFF. That was three options scratched. That left option four: Honey-Do-It-Yourself.

By Saturday morning the course of action had been put in place. We would by-pass the old section of clogged pipe. The end under the sink would be cut back and capped off to prevent any possible back up of any foul gases. The other end of it would remain in place, as it fed to the rooftop vent. We would cut a hole in the floor directly beneath and plumb to the output tube from the garbage disposal. That would drop into a trap, again necessary to avoid gases coming up into the kitchen. We would be using 1 1/2" PVC from the disposal to the trap which would be 2" PVC. From there we would run 57" of 2" PVC into a 2" offset Tee which in turn would be cut into the existing drain line.
....That was the battle plan. With a little luck there would be no snags. (If not for the courage of the crew ... The Minnow would be lost ... The Minnow would be lost!)

With the necessary measurements taken and an inventory of needed supplies in hand, Scott, my future son-in-law and future Honey-Doer, and I went to Home Depot to harvest those supplies. It took a while to go through all the bins to gather the various parts and fortunately everything was in stock. With a ten-foot length of PVC pipe, a trap, a reducing adapter 1 1/2 X 2, a compressing coupling, an offset Tee, a can each of glue and reactant, and some emery paper we checked out to the tune of $43. It was then 12:30.

It was 1pm when work began. It was 4pm when it was all hooked up and ready for the ultimate test. When the water was turned on into the sink we held our collective breaths. For several minutes the water ran with out the slightest back up into the sink. Next the process was repeated with he garbage disposal running. Once again everything went the way it was supposed to go. (The Minnow didn't get lost afterall!)

After the cleanup, gathering and putting away all the tools and getting rid of the trash, Scott and I admired a Honey-Do project well done. Not only were we successful in our endeavor, but the finished job looked neat and professional. It was completed at a fraction of the amount that I would have had to contribute to the HFAPFF!

Once again Honey-Do Honey-did the Honey-deed and was Honey-Done. Honey-Don't want to Honey-Do anymore this weekend. Honey-Do is Honey-Pooped!

No.320

Being My Own Muse

There are no stars that shine as bright as one candle lit in memory of those departed. - Mike Ashley

The above quote may be similar to a noted quote, I don't know, it was just a thought that this picture evoked.

I have been reading a lot of other blogs and the comments people have left at them, and was moved by the out pouring of feelings in wake of Katrina. While I am saddened by the disaster that befell New Orleans and the surrounding areas affected by the hurricane, I have been remiss at stating so.
....I am one of those who has been to New Orleans, many, many years ago, and I am horrified at the pictures of what is left of it. I had the same feelings when I saw the images of the World Trade Center after 9/11. I don't think I am alone when I admit that I seem to be moved most when these tragedies happen to places of which I am familiar. I was not as touched with sadness when that terrible tsunami struck Southeast Asia.
....I feel a little guilty about that.

The lives lost in tragedy or natural causes, for that matter, are no less important. Someone, somewhere, is bearing the grief of lost ones at every one of these "acts of God." I hate that term because it immediately brings to mind great losses.

This posting is a confirmation to myself, I need it every now and then, that I am not without compassion. Anyone's loss is in the end is a loss to us all. How easy it is to forget, to realize that. How many times do I forget that those "numbers" in death tolls are people. Someday, God forbid, myself and any one of us could end up being one of those numbers. In those numbers (do we stop and think?) are mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, friends and lovers! Then again, there are enemies; what of them?

If only in the musings of one insignificant digit in the numbers of those unaffected, I have lit my candle to shame the stars.

No.319

Now You Know!

Where does 2% Milk come from?

The secret of 2% milk has been a closely guarded secret for years by the Dairy Industry.

With the aid of a hidden camera on the bell of another cow, I was able to walk away from Flash's Dairy with the answer.

Now you know!





Why was Mona Lisa wearing that curious grin?

The answer to that question has been perplexing artists and museum visitors for centuries.

Some have suggested that Da Vinci's fly was open.

As it turns out, she had just been told how much she was getting paid to pose for the painting.

Now you know!

Did you know that there was a Bill Clinton quarter proposed as the State quarter for Arkansas?

A feminist group headed up by Hillary Clinton, wife of the former President, staged a protest which resulted in another design being chosen instead.

However, there were a few coins pressed and a few of them managed to be released. Coin collectors are estimated that these few quarters will be a highly sought after coin.

It has been estimated that these coins could fetch as much as 25 cents, the face value.

Now you know!

Did you know that Michael Jackson has begun extensive training riding a bike?

A spokesperson for the former King of Pop announced that Jacko has plans to enter next year's Tour De France bike race.

He said that he wants to make sure that the tradition of American bikers winning the championship continue.

He plans to defend Lance Armstrong's title, but first he must get used to riding a bike with the seat on.

Now you know!


No.318

Redneck Reckonings

Road Kill Restaurants

These roadside diners have become quite popular. Add a couple of fingers of the local hooch du jour, and you are talking red neck bliss. Road kill meals are preferred two to one over hunted or poached game because it is easier to catch and there is no buckshot to pick out.

Blueplate specials feature rabbit, opossum, squirrel, bear and deer. Depending on location these eateries can be quite busy, those at the Interstate ramps see heavy business from truck drivers and State Police officers. The small mom and pop diners can be found on many backroads, especially the unpa

ved avenues.

One enterprising Hillbilly, Elmer Skeeter came up with the idea of selling his most requested menu items through local super markets. Cousin Skeeter's Backwoods Cookin' products
have been flying off the shelves. The biggest sellers include Coon Hash, Chunky Style Possum Stew, and Roadkill Ravioli.

Gertrude Snodgrass of Skinner's Holler, not to be outdone, has recently started to market her family cure-alls. The secret ingredients in her line of pills has been in the Snodgrass family for generations. She claims she has remedies for "anything that ails you." A big seller is her Burp Be Gone capsules. Also moving faster than she keep up with are Beer Belly Pills, Road Rage Pills and Hangover Pills. She is working on scented fart pills. She said, "When that old bastard gets the gas, just give him a rose pill and everyone will think he spepped in shit and came out smelling like a rose."

Her cousin,twice removed, Mae Lipshitz has designed a line of breathmints that she hopes will freshen up the breaths of the menfolk everywhere. "A large meal of roadkill and several fingers of moonshine," Lipshitz was quoted as saying, "Can make for one mouth full of foul odors. My breath mints will sure make it easier to kiss that old fool husband of mine." She has been selling her "pecker mints" for several months. "Some of those floozies around here don't stop and think about some of the things they's puttin' in their mouths," she said.

On a visit to one of these Road Kill Diners, you will find the folks to be friendly. And when you leave
the staff and patrons will send you on your way with a group "Curtsey."

No.317

What's Thong With That?

I am still filled with images of the Catalog Casanova and his "modeling" arrangements. (See "High-Rise Hi-Jinx," dated 8/31/05)

I am not feeling:

..(a) disgust
..(b) admiration
..(c) embarrassment
..(d) fits of laughter
..(e) horny and envious

The correct answer is (e). If anything, the episode has me feeling quite the opposite. (Do I look like that when I am ... ahem ... doing the dirty?) Remind me to scratch the idea of adding mirrors in a few strategic areas in our bedroom. Also, I have decided not to purchase an elephant thong.

I doubt that I'll ever look at the catalogs of Fredricks of Hollywood and Victoria's Secret the same again. I'll stick to the department stores for now when I need some underwear.

Actually when recalling that evening, the image at the right seems to capture what I would have pictured those two looking like. If I had thought of the old boy being sexually active, the cartoon below might be more fitting. Funny, the man in the toon looks a little like him too.

Like I said in the aforementioned blog, God bless him at 85 years-old even having the ability, let alone remembering how to. I should check all of those prescriptions he has. Is there a Love Potion Number 9 bottle there?

While I am praising, God bless her too! Lest I forget, and may I never meet under similar circumstances, his other lady friends, God bless them too!

But you know, they are happy. They have no reason to answer to me or anyone else, for that matter. They certainly are not harming anyone.

We all should be so lucky to be that healthy when and if we make it to our eightieth birthdays and beyond. Hmm, I had better start taking my Vitamin E. Can you buy bags of M&Ms in one color, green for example? I think I should try to acquire a taste for oysters over the next few years.

Somehow, I can picture our hero as Clark Kent, mild-mannered and unassuming. But when his female octogenarians are in distress and need some "help," he changes into his secret identity of SeniorMan!

Yes, it's SeniorMan! Faster than Molasses. More powerful than prunejuice. Able to bend saltines in his bare hands.

I've seen him trying to weigh himself and I always wondered how he managed to see around his stomach. Well, now I know. He fights for truth, justice and the American weigh!

No.316