Monday, April 30, 2007

A Gazillion Channels

....The three astronauts lay on the bank of the volcanic lake and watched as their space craft slowly sank beneath the dark waters. It had been their only home for the past three months.
....Resigned to fact that they were stranded on some unknown planet, untold light years from earth, they had only one option. They had to rely on the months of survival training they'd endured before they had been sent hurtling into the void of space. They would have to find food and water.
....That was three days ago by earth measures. They had been trekking across the barren landscape with no signs of life. Then in the distance they could make out what looked like trees. If there were trees, then there had to water and perhaps even food.
....Exhausted, barely able to walk they reached what seemed to be an endless forest. They'd managed to find some potable water and were able to digest some pungent but edible fruit from one of the trees.
....That was when the inhabitants first appeared. They were humanoid, but they appeared to be mutes. They were all clad in tattered gray clothing. They weren't the Welcome Wagon however. They weren't running to greet them, but rather were fleeing some unseen threat.
....They were stunned as the riders on horseback appeared. They were tall and lean, dressed in black and sporting stovepipe-like hats. They were firing crude rifles and weilding bull whips. One by one they were overtaking the helpless people. From the look of the riders, those who died were the lucky ones.
....The leader of the astronauts could not believe is eyes. Everyone of the riders looked just like Abraham Lincoln! It was a nightmare!
....They had left earth on a peaceful mission of exploration only to land on ....

....The Planet of the Abes!

<(Click!)> . . . Geezus! Ain't there something on worth watching? The image on the screen faded as I frantically worked the remote buttons.

....The girl and her strange companions were skipping down a curious yellow road. They were singing .."We're off to the Lizard, the wonderful
Lizard of Oz...

<(Click!)>...400 f**king channels and they give us this crap?

.... A man carrying a violin climbed upon the roof. Instead of playing, it seems that the excess of vodka he'd consumed, called for emergency measures. With that, he commenced to take a piss on the roof! He was, who else but
The Piddler on the Roof!

<(Click!)>...I sighed in dismay. It must be ratings month!

...."Thank you for tuning in to this week's episode of
Trading Placebos"

<(Click!)> Good grief!

....The old man hobbled to the center of the ring, the wheels on his walker squeaking in time to the cracking sounds from his knees. He looked down upon his defeated opponent. When the announcer grabbed his arm and raised it to declare him the winner of the championship bout, he crumbled onto the mat.
...."You have just seen
Rocky, 17.

<(Click!)> <(Click!)> ... I shut the friggin' TV off.

I wanted to be entertained for one night. So much for entertainment. If I wanted to be driven insane, I would have logged on to my computer and read other people's Blogs!

Okay Bloggers, give me your best shots!


This is a parody - truth be told, your Blogs are far more entertaining than television.


Sunday, April 29, 2007

Making A Baby

(I received this in an e-mail from my sister Diane in Huntington, West Virginia. All I did was to copy it and add the toons.)

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now, the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied; "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."


"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Finally, from my daughter, Gretchen, here is a tale of suspense and ...

Forbidden Love

They were together in the house. Just the two of them. It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump. She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm... She wanted that...more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out. She screamed. He raced to the sofa where she was cowering. He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms. He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back. He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged did their growing passion.
And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together. They knew it was wrong. Their families would never understand. So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a











Saturday, April 28, 2007

I Want One of Those !


A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon. Not too bad.
(thanks Earl)

Time to breakout my new 16-ounce shot glass!

You'd have thought Detroit would have taken notice by now! Of course, manufacturing automobiles and trucks that run on beer and other alcoholic products, would be fraught with some problems.

Picture a Redneck with an empty fuel tank in his old pickup truck and one 16-ounce bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon left in the fridge. Talk about a dilemma, this would be a classic example of a Catch-22 situation if ever there was one. Does he pour the beer into the tank so that he can drive to the nearest beer store to buy some more Pabst? Or does he drink the beer so he can make an intelligent decision about what to do about the empty fuel tank?

(Not to be overlooked is the serious consideration whether Pabst beer should be wasted for such a frivolous purpose as filling a fuel tank.)

As he swigs down the last drop from the bottle of beer, he has an epiphany! He grabs a roll of hose from the shed and commences to trek three miles through the hills to his neighbor's place. (Mind you, the beer store is only a quarter of a mile in the other direction from his own place.)

He runs the hose into the tank of his neighbor's Corvair and begins to siphon off some of the precious liquid. Damned if he didn't forget to bring a container of some kind into which to drain the amber liquid! It seems he has only one place the stuff can be directed - into his thirsty mouth!

Not to worry! He gets a good buzz and wakes up the next afternoon. Hangover and all, he has another epiphany. He has to take one helluva squirt. The outhouse is occupied and he has an empty tank!

Sure the engine was a wheezin' and a coughin', but he finally got down to the beer store. About halfway back home, it seems he forgot to fill the tank. Who'd have thunk that about 20-ounces of beer-laced urine would only get a feller about a quarter of a mile?


The automotive industry isn't the only one that needs to take in account its customers!
The electronics industry especially needs to think about the forgotten demographics, namely the elderly and the infirm. The development of their gadgets is moving at faster and faster speeds. One new product one month is obsolete and replaced with an up-dated version the next month.

The developers can read the small print and manipulate the small buttons without the aid of bifocals and magnifying glasses. Not so many of us baby boomers !

I suggest a new cell phone which combines features of the old and the new. (A rotary dial would be nice!)

However, I'll draw the line at having the availability of "Guy Lombardo" and "Lawrence Welk" ring tones.

What about those ubiquitous PDAs ? Being palm-sized presents a problem up front. I focus again on the ability of certain group of us being able to read the buttons as well as being able to manipulate them with arthritic fingers.

Voila! I give you the newest miracle for the calculat-ion of your expenses, the Electronic Abacus ! There is no hard-to-read LCD screen, no tiny buttons, and no need for batteries. Just slide and count!


What's Your Sign?

(This post started out be the entry for Thursday, 4/26. I thought I clicked on publish and went to bed. I didn't return to the computer until late Friday evening only to discover this post wasn't there! It was in "draft" mode.

In the interim, I felt like the recent drastic weather and temperature changes were catching up to me. Sure enough, I have been "blessed" with a sinus infection!

Correcting a few mistakes I found, i.e., spelling and alignment, I went to bed settling for a Friday post.

Come Saturday afternoon, I was dismayed to find no Friday post! It was still in draft form with Thursday date. Feeling like crap, I didn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that I had neither published nor saved Friday's edits. I had just closed the window.

You never realize sometimes just how important concentration is - until you have none! Okay, it is Saturday 4/28, and so I now present to you the post of Thursday, 4/26. Now what happened to the posts for yesterday and today?

I'm Aquarius, by the way and I guess I should have been checking my Horoscope, eh?)


Apr 21 - May 21

Patient & Reliable
Warm Hearted & Loving
Persistent & Determined
Placid & Security Loving


May 22 - Jun 21

Adaptable & Versatile
Communicative & Witty
Intellectual & Eloquent
Youthful & Lively


Jun 22 - Jul 22

Emotional & Loving
Intuitive & Imaginative
Shrewd & Cautious
Protective & Sympathetic


Jul 23 - Aug 21

Generous & Warm Hearted
Creative & Enthusiastic
Broad-Minded & Expansive
Faithful & Loving


Aug 22 - Sep 23

Modest & Shy
Meticulous & Reliable
Practical & Diligent
Intelligent & Analytical


Sep 24 - Oct 23

Diplomatic & Urbane
Romantic & Charming
Easy-Going & Sociable
Idealistic & Peaceable


Oct 24 - Nov 22

Determined & Forceful
Emotional & Intuitive
Powerful & Passionate
Exciting & Magnetic


Nov 23 - Dec 22

Optimistic & Freedom-Loving
Jovial & Good-Humored
Honest & Straight Forward
Intellectual & Philosophical


Dec 23 - Jan 20

Practical & Prudent
Ambitious & Disciplined
Patient & Careful
Humorous & Reserved


Jan 21 - Feb 19

Friendly & Humanitarian
Honest & Loyal
Original & Inventive
Independent & Intellectual


Feb 20 - Mar 20

Imaginative & Sensitive
Compassionate & Kind
Selfless & Unworldly
Intuitive & Sympathetic


Mar 21 - Apr 20

Adventurous & Energetic
Pioneering & Courageous
Enthusiastic & Confident
Dynamic & Quick Witted

I have never been one to sibscribe to horoscopes, but how accurate are those above?

(#10 - great hippie? - If not for being in the service in that era, I probably would have been one; -#9 - pie-in-the-sky ? - Personally, I prefer my pie in a dish on the table; -#2 - notorious contortionist? - True, I have tried a lot of positions - - - oops! It said non-conformist. Sorry about that!

What's your sign?


Wednesday, April 25, 2007

See the Funny Little Texan

(Song Parody: to the tune of
"See The Funny Little Clown"
as sung by Bobby Glodsboro)


See the funny little Texan
See him laughing as you try to get by
Everybody knows he's lying
'Cause you never see truth in his eye
Everyone knows he's lying
Everyone knows he's lying on the inside
'Cause he's laughing on the outside
Everyone knows, everyone knows

See the funny little Texan
He's hiding behind a smile
They all know he's laughing
But I know he's really crying all the while
How his heart is aching
How his heart is breaking on the inside
But he keeps laughing on the outside
No one knows, no one knows

This funny little Texan
You never used to see him around
Without his staff beside him to abet and guide him
Until one day his staff was supoenaed away
And to this very day
He says he never needed them anyway
And no one knows, expect for me
Because you see, I'm that funny little Texan
See the funny little Texan

(to the tune of "Harper Valley PTA" as sung by Jeannie C. Riley )

I wanna tell you all a story 'bout a Washington DC quack
Who had a penchant for war and sent our young men to Iraq.
Well the people protested one afternoon and didn't even stop to play
And they said, "George we got complaints from the people of the USA,
Well they said, "Mr. Prez'dent you're wearing our patience too thin,
It's reported you've been thinkin' of the Weapons of Mass Destruction
And we don't believe you oughta be wastin' our young men this way."
And it was voiced by the majority of the people, USA.

Well it happened that Congress was gonna meet that very afternoon;
They sure were angry when the Prez'dent said we need troops soon
And as he talked at the microphone there were lies in all he had to say
He said, "I want some more young soldiers over there in harms way!
Well there's Sadam Hussein a hanging over there from the end of a rope
And you Senators are trying awfully hard to make me look like a dope.

Mrs. Clinton what makes you think running for prez'dent you'll go far,
And can you please tell us why your husband didn't ever smoke that cigar?
Well, Ted Kennedy couldn't be here cause he stayed late at the bar again.
And you all keep tryin to tell me there's no Weapons of Mass Destruction,
And then you have the nerve to tell me you think as Prez'dent I'm crap;
Well this is just the Congress Place and you're all Washington Democrats."

No, I wouldn't put you on because, it really did happen just that way..
The day our Prez'dent shoved it up the people of the USA.
The day our Prez'dent shoved it up the people of the USA.


Tuesday, April 24, 2007

A Caws to Save the Planet

American Crow

COMMON NAME: American Crow

SCIENTIFIC NAME: Corvus brachyrhynchos


The common crow is one of the most intelligent birds. Its complex vocal chords can vary their “caw-caw” sound to express warning, threat, taunting and cheer. They have also been known to sound out words when taught. They are charcoal black and 17-21” in length.

Oops! Wrong crow! Sorry about that.

Sheryl Crow's green toilet

Sheryl Crow believes using less toilet paper will stop global warming.

The 'If It Makes You Happy' singer, who spent two weeks touring the US on a Stop Global Warming College Tour, is convinced one square per visit is sufficient.

Sheryl writes on her tour blog: "I propose a limitation to be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. I think we are industrious enough people to make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required."

(Pictured at the right is her personal facilities on her tour bus.)

O...kay! How about a show of hands. How many of you are prepared to use just one square of toilet paper every time you relieve your self? How do you spell relief ?
I'd spell it ...M-e-s-s-y!

This comes from the same person who once suggested that we don't use napkins. She actually invented and has a patent on detachable shirt sleeves to be used at restaurants and homes instead of napkins! (My reply to that, why should they be detachable? I can wipe my mouth with my shirt sleeve while it's still on the shirt, can't you?)

Here's some facts about our beloved rectal stationery:
The average tear is 5.90 sheets of TP.
44% wipe from front to back reaching from behind their backs.
60% look at the paper after they wipe. -(Wannabe artists)-
42% fold,
33% crumple,
8% do both fold and crumple,
6% wrap it around their hands.
50% say that they have wiped with leaves. -(Watch the Poison Ivy)-
8% have wiped with their hands. -(Short order cooks)-
2% have wiped with money! -(All this time I thought George Washington had a moustache!)
Blame it all on Johnny Carson.*

There have been shortages of many things throughout history - oil, rubber, coffee, medicine, and so on. Yet, one of the most interesting shortages - the shortage of toilet paper - was one that should never have occurred.

- The Great Toilet Paper Shortage! -

It actually all started as a joke. Johnny Carson was doing his typical NBC Tonight Show monologue on December 19, 1973.

Heeeere's Johnnnnnny....

Of course, Johnny, like most talk show hosts, had a staff that helped write his monologue. His writers had heard earlier in the day about a Wisconsin congressman named Harold Froehlich. Froelich claimed that the federal government was falling behind in getting bids to supply toilet paper and that "The United States may face a serious shortage of toilet tissue within a few months".

His writers decided to include a joke based on this quote in Carson's monologue. He said "You know what's disappear-ing from the super-market shelves? Toilet paper. There's an acute shortage of toilet paper in the United States."

Too bad they couldn't see the consequence of this statement. You may not be aware if you are young, but the early 1970's was a time of shortages - oil in particular. The next morning, many of the 20 million television viewers ran to the supermarket and bought all the toilet paper they could find. By noon, most of the stores were out of stock! Stores tried to ration the stuff, but they couldn't keep up with demand.

Johnny Carson went on the air several nights later and explained that there was no shortage and apologized for scaring the public. Unfortunately, people saw all the empty shelves in the stores, so the stampede continued.

Scott Paper showed video of their plants in full production to the public and asked them to stay calm - there was no shortage. The video was of little help. The panic fed itself and continued.

They finally got the shelves restocked three weeks later and the shortage was over. It is the only time in American history that the consumer actually created a major shortage (I don't think that the "shortage" of Barbie or Power Ranger dolls at Christmas time could be classified as a real shortage!).

And to think that it all started as a joke. (It would have been a good time to have played some pranks with "No Tear Toilet Paper.")
*The Great Toilet Paper Shortage story comes from the book Uncle John's Bathroom Reader by the Bathroom Readers' Institute (The Bathroom Readers' Press, Berkeley, CA, 1995, pages 217-218). It's actually a reprint of a TV Guide article from 1974.
Here's a quick look at the interesting and sometimes comical history of toilet paper.(Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask:)

Obviously, toilet paper has not been around forever. We can be pretty sure that the caveman did not stop at his local Mega-superstore to pick up a case pack of Charmin. In fact, Since humans are the only animals that have the dexterity to actually wipe themselves after each defecation, it is currently believed that the original material used for cleaning (to put it politely) was leaves and sticks.

Of course, where you lived help determine the material of choice. Mussel shells were very popular in coastal regions prior to toilet paper's popularity (approx. 1900). If you were lucky enough to be raised on the Hawaiian islands, you may have used good old coconut shells. If you were born into royalty, like Louis XIV, you would have used wool or lace for added comfort.

In India and the Arab world, the most popular tool to use today (not that I have witnessed this) is the hand - the left hand to be specific. Of course, they cleanse their hands after this dirty deed. Many Arabs consider the Western practice of using paper to be disgusting - they feel that you always leave a residue by following this practice. They can't see how paper can actually get you perfectly clean.

Some historians consider this the reason why we shake with our right hands - because traditionally the left hand was the dirty hand!

Islamic tradition prescribes that you should wipe with stones or clods of earth, rinse with water, and finally dry with linen cloth. Pious men actually carry clods of earth in their turbans and carry small pitchers of water solely for this purpose. These men traditionally blot the end of their penis with pebbles or clods of earth. Others blot against a wall, which gave rise to a practical joke among the non-Muslims living around the Eastern Mediterranean - they dusted the outdoor walls at penis level with good old ground hot pepper. Ouch!

In ancient Rome, all public toilets had a sponge attached to the end of a stick which soaked in a bucket of brine (salty water). The rich used wool and rosewater.

During the late Middle Ages, the French invented the bidet for rinsing of both sexes (clearly, the original models did not have modern plumbing). During WWI, British and American troops found these devices in the brothels that they frequented, leading them to assume that they were only used by women for vaginal douching. In other words, men no longer use them.

The material of choice among colonial America was corn cobs. When daily newspapers became commonplace in the 1700's, paper became the material of choice (I guess that one could say that Gutenberg's printing press caused the toilet paper revolution). Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773) wrote in a letter to his son that one should always carry with them a cheap copy of the Latin poets so that he would have something educational to read while on the pot, as well as having a good use for each page after reading it (This is not a quote, just a story). This lead to a major problem in England - the landscape was littered with paper - they didn't have modern sewers to take the stuff away from our sight.

In the late 19th century, the Sears catalog became popular in rural America. People simply hung it up on a nail and had a free supply of 100's of pages of absorbent, uncoated paper. Corn cobs were still holding as a strong second place contender, however. Use of the Sears catalog declined in the 1930's due to the fact that they started printing on glossy, clay-coated paper. Many people complained to Sears about this glossy paper (Can you imagine writing a letter to Sears: Dear Sir, I want to register a complaint about your new glossy catalog paper. It is no longer soft and absorbent...)
The first actual paper produced for wiping was in England in 1880. They were individual squares sold in boxes, not rolls. This paper was very coarse - the type the British prefer today. Americans like the soft, fluffy type, which was introduced in 1907. The original American product was sort of like crepe paper, if you remember that stuff from kindergarten.

I have decided to be prepared, you never know, but our environmentally conscious President,George Dubya Bush, just might buy into her plan.
....Although I needed a two-wheel dolly and someone else to help, I picked up a special roll of toilet paper designed specifically to be used one sheet at a time. It probably took 14 Redwoods and Pinocchio to produce this roll of paper, but at least I'll be doing my part to help save the planet.

I do wonder though, just when was it that Gene Roddenberry was inspired to dream up "Klingons around Uranus?"


Monday, April 23, 2007

Best of the Bunch

I decided to cull through a rather large collection of jokes I have "harvested" from here and there all over the web this evening. After separating the ones I have read recently from some of the Blogs on my blogroll, I was left with quite a few that I haven't seen or remember seeing posted elsewhere.

I'm posting some of the better ones - The Best of the Bunch

What's It's Name?

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
The Lawyer & the Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Bedside Manners

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one good look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does he says to the woman: "Do you know what I`m doing ?"

"Yes," she says, "you`re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"Correct," says the doctor.

He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I`m doing now", he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you`re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That`s right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants "what I`m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You`re getting herpes."

Marriage and the Church

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it" said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore either..."
Make Me Feel Like a Woman

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.

The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he aproaches her, he takes off his shirt.
She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"

Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
The Skin Graft

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I'll get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
The 25th Class Reunion

Four men at their 25th class reunion were having drinks and discussing their lives. It wasn't long before the men begin to talk about their sons who had all graduated from college two years earlier.

Three of the men couldn't brag enough about how successful their sons had become and how proud they were of them. The fourth man however, was relatively silent as the others bragged about their boys. He excused himself to go to the restroom, leaving the others to boast about their sons.

The first man said, "My Joe owns a successful international importing company. I'm hoping he'll make a grandfather soon. He just bought his lover a $1.5 million condo in the heart of downtown."

The second man nodded his approval and said, "My Tom owns the largest dealership on the Eastern seaboard of imported automobiles. In fact, he just gave his lover a $500,000 Meseratti."

The third man whistled audibly, "My Jerry is doing okay also. He owns a Fortune 500 Stock Brokerage firm. He just gave is lover a yacht and 20% of his company."

At that moment the fourth man returned. As he took his seat, he was informed that the others had been discussing their son's successes. "How's your boy, William doing?"

The fourth man sighed deeply and said, "Well, he doesn't own a big company or make a lot of money. In fact, he doesn't even have a job."

The other men looked at each other in turn and back to him, "I'm sorry," said one, "Perhaps one of our boys could give him a job?"

"I don't think so," he said. "You see, he's doing quite well. He has no need to work."

One of the men said, "What? Did he come across an inheritance or win the lottery?"

"No, nothing like that," he replied. "He's actually quite the lover. In fact he has three steady lovers who take care of him. One of them set him up in an exclusive condo, another one gave him an expensive Italian sports car, and the other gave him a yacht and considerable holdings in a brokerage outfit."


Sunday, April 22, 2007

Once Upon A Time


It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
When blue jeans were only for work or play?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air?
And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . ...and they did?

When a 55 Chevy was everyone's dream cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ..."
And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Are you someone who can still remember:

Nancy Drew
the Hardy Boys
Laurel and Hardy
Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery
the Lone Ranger
The Shadow Knows
Nellie Bell
Roy and Dale
Trigger and Buttermilk.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?

I am sharing this with you today because the e-mail sent to me ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

How many of these do you remember?

Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers

Telephone numbers with a word prefix....(KLondike 4-601).
Party lines
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Being gay meant being happy?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life . .
I double-dog-dare-ya!

(This is similar to e-mails that I have posted before, but what harm can there be in reminiscing?)


Saturday, April 21, 2007

I Think, Therefore I Think I Am

If you smell smoke, don't be alarmed. It's only me ... thinking.

Have you ever tried to make your mind devoid of thought? It's hard to do. If there is one and only one reason to admire our President, George W. Bush, it would be because he has mastered the practice. The purpose of this post, however, is not to discuss our Con-founder-in-Chief, but rather to rattle the cage of a certain philosopher.

René Descartes is known for the quote: " I think, therefore I am." If you ask me, he wasn't much of a thinker. After all, how much credence can one give to a man with a woman's first name?

It's painfully obvious to me that his original quote was "I think I am." For some unknown reason, probably to impress someone, he added a big word and thought to himself, "This will make them bloggers in the future think."

I wonder how many words he tried to insert before he finally chose "therefore." He might have tried 'sexy,' but since the scholars of his time were all men, there was that first name getting in the way. If he tried 'manly,' there was the first name again. I'm sure he rejected "I think, f**king-A I am! " That's too bad, because today that would work.

René, sweetheart, you should have said, " I know, therefore I am." You would at least have come across as self-assured, confident. You think, therefore you are ? What kind of dumb-ass statement is that anyway? Don't you know whether you are or not? Your thoughts should have been centered on what you are: man or woman, philosopher or idiot? Consider this, you aren't anymore !

At least I'm honest. I think, therefore I think I am. I don't know one way or the other, Descartes. Descartes, (pronounced Day-Cart) what kind of name is that? It sounds like a wagon without headlights, for crying out loud!

I'm sure that everyone is wondering what is with this profound subject of 'thinking?' Well, it's like this, this post is about to turn into a meme, compliments of Marti ! Unlike most memes that ask you to reveal things about yourself that are nobody's business in the first place, this meme asks you to list five blogs you have read that 'make you think.' If this isn't enough incentive, you are rewarded with the "Thinking Blogger Award," which you can display on your site. Hey, it's one way to win a Blogging award!

Like other memes, this one does have rules also.

  1. Write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
  2. Link to this post by Marti so that people will know the exact origin of the meme. (In other words, who's responsible for this meme?)
  3. Optional: Copy and paste and display the "Thinking Blogger Award" with a link to the post you wrote.

The first one I have chosen is a recent post about the coverage of the tragedy at Virginia Tech. I think everyone will probably agree with Top Cat that NBC's release of the contents of that package probably wasn't the right thing to do.

While I do not advocate or wish any harm to pets, Steph from Australia has a post about the misfortune of a couple of pets that may find you laughing in spite of yourselves.

I find it difficult to cite other blogs without paying homage to Old Hoss . His post of 4/20/07, "Holy Goodness! Somebody Shrunk Us," was a post that made me think. Check it out and see if it doesn't give you in a different perspective on things.

Today I read a post about PMS. Touchy subject, I know. Although it was long, it was a fast read. Interwoven with humor, this post made me think. The next time the missus displays signs of that trying period, I will be a little more understanding and considerate. I'll bet it'll make a lot of male bloggers think. See how Miss Vickie spins a great post around this sensitive topic.

Lastly, I have chosen the newest member to my blogroll, Soul Searcher. (I "borrowed" the animation at the left from her site.) She has posted some lovely poetry that reflects the name she uses. Her site is not devoted solely to poetry, as she gives the reader some glimpses into her life.

This is not to say that the above sites above are the only sites that make me think. Indeed, all of those on my blogroll have written material that has given me pause to think. I went to several sites to bestow this award only to discover that others had been there before me with the same intent. It appears that this "Thinking Blogger Award" is making the rounds. Perhaps, everyone will eventually end up with one.


Friday, April 20, 2007

Praise the Lord and Pass the Tan Lotion

It was like being hung out to dry!

It wasn't a bad thing. No, not at all! It was great! I would not have complained if I'd been run through a wringer!

(To the non baby-boomers out there, a wringer is a set of rollers on the old washing machines. The clothing would be run between the rollers to be squeezed, or wrung, to remove the excess water before the clothes were hung on a line to dry. This was before the advent of the dryer.)

Finally, at long last, that monster storm that has been terrorizing most of the country was out to sea. The phenomenon that next greeted us was, to say the least, a miraculous event. A strange bright heat-emanating disk emerged from behind the clouds!

For the first time in nearly a week - I didn't get soaked to the bone! Not once did I have to turn on the windshield wipers or the defogger.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it's all right.
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes......
Do I dare think about finally putting away the snow shovels and the bag of ice melt? Can I finally break out the lighter clothing? Is it safe to hang the coats in the back of the closet and move the jackets to the forefront?

Praise the Lord and pass the tan lotion!


Thursday, April 19, 2007

Stop, Look, and Be Healthy

The Pointmeister's Health Tip of the Day

I want my male blogger friends to be healthy and to live long and productive lives. Now, thanks to recent studies, this is possible. How, you ask?

Simply look at female breasts. Forget about being discreet. Look, stare, and ogle to your heart's content. Not only will you feel better, but you'll live longer.

Don't believe me? Study the picture below and see if you don't feel even a little better. Then read the newspaper article that follows the picture. (Thanks for the pic and article, Earl)

Ladies, if you discourage men from this practice, then you are largely responsible for shortening their lives. You are denying them an extended life. Be compassionate and considerate. If you want the men around you to live longer, flaunt what you have. Show more cleavage. Wear thinner and tighter materials. Sheer and fishnet are allowed, by the way.

Don't feel in the least slighted gals. The same group of scientists and doctors are working on a related study to aid women in living longer. Early results seem to show that looking at men's buns is having similar results as those in the tests for men.

Study these pics, girls, and see if you don't begin to feel good also. Check out these buns!

See what I mean, girls? It works.

Now that I have offered everyone a chance to live a little longer, I need to ask a favor of you. I received the following letter from my Redneck friend, Cletis. He needs some advice. What do think he should do?
I have a problem. You see, I have two brothers. One is a lawyer. The other was just sentenced to death in the electric chair for murder. My mother died when I was 3-years-old. My two sisters are both prostitutes and my father sells narcotics.

Recently I met a girl who was just released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love her and want to marry her!

My problem is: If I marry this girl, should I tell her about ny brother who is a lawyer?
What do you think? Any sound advice for Cletis?

In closing ladies, here's some more buns to get your blood flowing healthy!


Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Writer's Block Cure: Dubya Jokes


There has been much speculation about a UFO incident that occured on July 8, 1947. On that day an unidentified object, allegedly with five aliens aboard, crashed on a ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

It has been speculated that this well known incident has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.


Dubya and Laura Bush and Dick Cheney Flying

Dubya and Laura Bush and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.

Dubya looks at Laura, chuckles and says, “You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, “Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Cheney says, “Of course then, I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, ” Such bigshots back there … I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy.”

George W. Bush - the Educator

Acting as a pro-education President, Dubya makes many stops at grade schools where he poses for pictures, while reading to kids or chatting with them in class. At one photo-op stop, a teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Dubya chimed in, possibly trying to make the teacher's lesson clearer. He said: "Now, children, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," one of the girls said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow at the back of the room shouted, "'Cause your feet aren't empty."


While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen."Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds ,"It¹s me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I¹ll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he¹d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What¹s on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

George Bush and Sex

Much has already been published about the sexual preferences and notorious behavior of former President Clinton.

However, little has been reported on the sexual practices of the current Commander-in-Chief. It has recently been learned that the President and Mrs. Bush only make love with Laura Bush on top since George W. Bush can only f**k up.

Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.

Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.


Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Redneck Olympics

Jim Bob Hively wiped his brow as a grimace of determination came over his haggard face. He could feel the electricity from the crowd of hayseed fans a hootin' and a hollerin' as he concentrated on the galvanized stake at the other end of the tossin' pit.

There was a lot more on the line than just the Gold Medal in the Toilet Seat Tossin' match. There was a lot more on the line than getting his picture on a box of Corn Flakes. There was the matter of pride driving his demeanor. He trailed the Redneck from Arkansas by a three points. There was no way an Okie could face the folks back home if he lost this match.

He moved his arm back gracefully, a firm grip on the toilet seat, and then swung his arm forward. The shiny white projectile was loosed and launched into majestic flight. There was a hush as the collective of 30,000 Rednecks held their breaths. So strong their inhalations that for a moment even the smell of stale beer and rotgut shine dissipated.
We interrupt our coverage of these Redneck Olympic Games for a word from our sponsors.

Be the first in your trailer park to get your copy of the newest video collection, "Hillbilly Girls Gone Wild." See these chipped-toothed beauties baring it all in the privacy of haylofts from Kentucky to Oklahoma. Your eyes will pop out of your head when you see when one gal from Tennessee discovers other uses for an ear of corn besides feedin' the livestock. Never again will you ask yourselves why these girls have salt licks in their bathrooms. Get your copy today for $9.95 and two Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle caps.
Also sponsoring the Games:
Pappy Wishbone's Horseshoes. These are the finest quality Redneck horseshoes that can be found on the market today. These are the same shoes used by Jim Bob Hively, the current world champion horseshoe tosser.
These high quality seats are versatile enough to be used as seats in any outhouse or trailer crap closet. For product descriptions and price lists, click on the link above.For those of you unfamiliar with the game of horseshoes, refer to Pappy Wishbone's rule guide depicted here. Clicking on the image will give a larger easier to read image. If image still isn't clear, put on your damn glasses!

Before we return to you the Horseshoe Match, here is a list of the other events you will be seeing as part of our coverage of the Redneck Olympic Games.
Cowflap Discus Toss, Lawn Tractor Races, Mudpit Belly Floppin', Rocky Mountain Oyster Eatin' Contest, Mechanical Bull Ridin', Tobacco Spittin', Arm Wrasslin', and Roadkill BBQ Cook-off.
Due to technical problems and contractual agreements with Redneck Olympics Committee, we are unable to air the results of any event in progress until all the fighting and beer bottle throwing in the attending audience has been brought under control.

As a public service while you are waiting for the continuation of coverage of the Games, why not pick up some nice gifts for that special Redneck in your life. You might consider some of the following:

Top Ten Gift Ideas for Rednecks

1. Toilet seat-The hillbilly in your family will be ecstatic when he rips open his or her new redneck Christmas gift. Now, he or she will be able to play hillbilly horseshoes forever. Hillbilly horseshoes is a very popular game in every redneck community. Watch him or her smile a crooked toothless grin when they open one of their favorite games this Christmas. Approximate cost of hillbilly horseshoe, free if taken from the Seven Eleven down the street.

2. Four soup cans and four boards-This gift is often given to newlyweds in the hillbilly community. A simple gift for the redneck that is soon to be getting married is the hillbilly bed frame. The cans and boards can be used to setup the hillbilly bed frame for the newly married couple, but beware too much bouncing may cause the cans to bend under pressure.

3. Aluminum foil-Every high-tech hillbilly on your Christmas gift giving list will appreciate this thoughtful redneck gift with gratitude. Aluminum foil has been used for years in every hillbilly community and household to improve on television reception. Buck Mix of Dry Springs, Kentucky says,” By using aluminum foil on my antenna I am able to pick up most of my local channels in the area.” “Just wrap the aluminum foil tightly around the top of your rabbit ears for the best results.” Buck’s wife, Bernice says, “By wrapping aluminum foil around my dentures I can hear all of the Jeff Foxworthy, redneck games broadcast in my head.”

4. Hillbilly three-piece chicken dinner-Give this gift to that special redneck gift in your life for a wonderful laugh. You must get three kernels of corn, wrap them tightly in your hand, ask your unsuspecting friend, ” Would you like a three piece chicken dinner?”, and now for the punch line hand them the three pieces of corn.

5. Make it yourself beer cooler-Every redneck will appreciate your ingenuity when you give him or her the directions for the make it yourself beer cooler kit. Take a two liter Coke bottle and cut the top off, add water to the bottom of the Coke bottle, insert a can of green beans into the water and put in the freezer for a few hours, when the water is completely frozen remove the can of green beans and presto, your very own make it yourself beer cooler! Insert beer into the hole and your ready to go!

6. Soap-Most people can’t wait to see their loved ones face, which hasn’t been seen for years in most cases, after washing with soap. This is a much appreciated redneck gift item in the hillbilly community.

7. Sears and Roebuck Catalog- The perfect redneck gift for those still using the old fashioned outdated outhouse. When the corncob will not do, the Sears and Roebuck catalog is the one for you.

8. Fat Back Relaxer-Every overweight hillbilly will appreciate a new or slightly used recliner. Miss Bertha Bustro, from Monkey’s Elbow, Kentucky says, “Thank you sister for getting me my recliner last year, a great place to rest my fat back.”

9. Washers-He or she will go crazy when you stuff their stockings with some washers one of the ultimate redneck gifts. For hours of play the recommended list of gifts are eight washers, one shovel, and two empty soup cans. These ingredients will be all they will need to create the most loved sport in hillbilly heaven. First, bury the can in the dirt so only the hole is showing (APPROXMATELY ten feet away), divide into two teams, now try and pitch your washer into the opponents can, whoever is the closets wins.

10. Deliverance-For the hillbilly who has everything, a copy of the movie Deliverance is a must need for his or her movie collection. Played for hours in every hillbilly home, the words treasured by every hillbilly, “Squeal like a pig!”

Y'all come back! Ya hear?