Saturday, December 31, 2005

Cartoon Legends

In a series of cost-cutting moves, several Hollywood studios as well as independent film makers, are hiring legends of the Silver Screen and television to star in their forthcoming projects. Due to the high cost of CGI and other forms of special effects, film producers are giving a certain, all but forgotten group of actors and actresses new life.

In the current blockbuster, Magilla Gorilla, Grape Ape and Donkey Kong star in the remake of King Kong. So seamlessly did the three cartoon apes blend into the filming process that Kong appears to be uncannily real and life-like.
....Barney the dinosaur of PBS fame, makes a cameo appearance as the Tyrannosaurus Rex in an exciting battle scene with Kong.

Scheduled for a summer release is the long anticipated remake of Barbarella. In her triumphant return to the big screen, Betty Boop will light up the screen as the sexy space nymphet once portrayed by Jane Fonda. Also guest starring is Hawkman, formerly a member of the Super Friends, as the fallen blind angel.

There have been a few cartoon legends used in earlier films without fanfare. Quickdraw McGraw, seen here as his alter ego El KaBong, appeared in George Lucas' Star Wars films as Jar-Jar Binks. Clever costuming and the sped up dubbing of the Muppets' Swedish Chef as the voice, was not realized by those who saw the movies.

On loan from Warner Brothers Taz, the Tasmanian Devil appeared in several disaster movies. Most notably, he portrayed the tornadoes in the movie Twister.

Another Warner Brothers star, Michigan J. Frog served as a body double for Kermit T. Frog in the Muppets movies.

The special effects and wonderful acting seen by the title character of the Harry Potter films would not have been possible without the stellar performance of Waldo.

Waldo can also be seen in the Superman movies playing the mild mannered reporter, Clark Kent.

Although not confirmed, some inside sources in Hollywood have hinted that Rosanne Barr was in costume as Shrek. If this proves to be true, it would be the first known time that a living person was used as a body double for an animated character.

If you saw the film Hidalgo, you probably didn't recognize Gumby and Pokey in the race scenes. Thanks to the magic of trick photography and special effects, few viewers suspected there was no real horse and rider racing across the desert. The real actor and horse appear only in the closeups.

The duo also turned in some thrilling race scenes in The Legend of Seabiscuit.

Did anyone realize that it was actually Calvin who appeared as the title character in Dennis the Menace. He was also the stunt double for McCauly Culkin in the Home Alone films.

Enjoy the movies when you watch them, whether at the theater, on your cell phone or at home on your TV set, and remember that what you see isn't necessarily what you get.


I Sought The Flaw

A recent addition to my Blog Roll, Stringman has a funny post up about some mergers of large companies and the names they might take on. You should check them out. Tell him The Pointmeister sent you.

I left a comment for him that I wished I'd thought of that idea! I also hinted that I might be inclined to "borrow" that idea sometime, but with credit to him.

If you are familiar with the business world, my twenty years in the stock market qualifies me, you have probably heard of "spin-offs." If you haven't, a "spin-off" is simply a new company formed from the holdings of a larger company. Many times these are the result of mergers.

So it is, rather than steal Stringman's idea, I will attempt to name some spin-off companies that might not make it to the Standard & Poors indices.

Abercrombie & Ditch - The successful clothing company will try its hand at the landscaping and gardening industry. The company will specialize in tools for the home gardeners and do-it-yourself landscapers.

Best Fry - The large electronics company will attempt to make a niche for itself in the fried foods industry.

Arm & Needle - The Baking Soda giant will test the lucrative waters of the pharmaceutical industry when it opens the doors to a syringe manufacturing plant.

Merrill Lynch Pierce Fenner Smith & Wesson - The huge Securities firm will take over the gun company and spin-off its own weapons plant.

Bed Bath and Beyonce - Bed Bath and Beyond will spin-off a company that caters to musicians and singers.

Naked Fish & More - The seafood restuarant franchises will add live adult entertainment. Gives a new meaning to their "Get Naked" ads.

Greasy Jiffy Lube - The mechanics will dance and sing as they give customers a lube job. Jiffy Lube decides to go retro.

Smith Barney Fife - Another Securities firm will dabble in the restaurant world, with its establishments decorated with Barney Fife pictures from the Andy Griffith Show. It isn't Mayberry, but they are hoping fans of Barney and the show will frequent this nostalgic bar and grill.

Goldman Sachs of Fifth Avenue - This Securities corporation will trade in fashionable clothing and goods.

Pan American Bandstand - Dick Clark and the Airline will team up with guest musical acts at 35 thousand feet. "Captain, how would you rate the last song?"

Boon Dockers - The popular clothing line creates Dockers for the Rednecks. There will be his and hers bib overalls, flannel shirts, union suits and a wide variety of tee-shirts with a southern flavor.

International House of Roadcakes - The chain, famous for pancakes and breakfast fares, jumps into the culinary world of road kill.


Friday, December 30, 2005

Backhanded Compliments

Everyone likes a compliment. Everyone likes to be recognized for their accomplishments, their appearance, or even their material possessions. We take pride in those things, and we are appreciative when others notice.

What about those less than sincere compliments? You know of the ones to which I refer, the disguised compliments. There are compliments, and there are "backhanded compliments." These are given and unceremoniously taken back in the same sentence.

"Mary, what a beautiful haircut! But don't worry dear, it'll grow back."

That is a classic backhanded compliment. Mary is first made to feel good. Then she is backhanded by another who doesn't particularly like Mary's haircut. Mary's friend doesn't know when to shut up.

"...And what a lovely perm! I didn't know pink hair was back in style."

You have been watching the painters hard at work on your neighbor's house. For several days you have been angered about the painter's vehicle parked opposite your driveway. When the painters have finished the job, packed up, and left, you feel the urge to tell your neighbor how good his house looks.

"Say, Jack! That paint job on your house looks great!" (Now it's time to stick the knife in and twist it.) "When are they going to put on the second coat?"

Of course, you can leave backhanded compliments on the comments page of blogs you might visit.

"I am visiting your blog for the first time. Great stuff!" (You are getting the knife ready...) "Isn't it wonderful that there is a medium that grammar and spelling don't matter?"

One day you run into an old high school classmate you haven't seen in ten years or more.

"Hello, Tom. Long time no see! You look good." (The sunlight reflects off the blade as you wave the knife.) "Is that a weave?"

A few more:

"You look nice today" (Knife ready.) "You should fix yourself up more often."

Newlywed bride to her groom on the wedding night as he removes his underwear, "Ooh, Nice." (Knife.) "That's one of the biggest ones I have ever seen." (Meaning she has seen a bigger ones? Plural?)

Newlywed groom to his bride on the wedding night as she removes her bra, "Wow. Very nice!" (Knife.) "Those are some of the biggest ones I have ever seen!" (Meaning he has seen bigger ones? Your sister?)

"Marge, I hear they are having a surprise birthday party for you tomorrow!" (You are using a sabre now. You just spoiled the surprise. You thrust again, "Now, don't forget to check the batteries in the smoke detector."

"Hello, Bill. Nice suit." (The Knife.) "What are the charges?"


Thursday, December 29, 2005

The Idea Man

How does a Storm Trooper take a leak?
Standing in front of a urinal of course!

I finally saw the last chapter of the Star Wars saga. It seemed strange to finally see the sixth film herald the end of the series. In a way, I grew up on the series. Indeed, a lot of us did. I also felt a tinge of sadness. It is over. There will be no more eager anticipation while we wait for the next installment.

I think George Lucas should sit back and consider an additional triology for the Star Wars franchise. He could go forward, back to the rebel victory over the Evil Empire. Let us see what happens when Han and Leia marry. Let us see the rebuilt Republic. Let us see the inevitable battles with the pockets of the remaining forces still loyal to the Empire.

Even though you have ended the series, George, you have haven't finished the story. There are still three more blockbusters. Perhaps, someday.

Ideaman, aka Captain Eclectic, aka The Pointmeister comes up with a lot of ideas like that all the time. Nearly all of them remain on the drawing board of course. Some are so rediculous they are discarded altogther. The most asinine of all, however, will become Blogs.

It was my idea to the people of Pisa, Italy, to build another tower. The second tower would lean the other way. As such, the two Leaning Towers of Pisa would hold up each other.

It was my idea to install a signal blocker on TV sets that would prevent so-called ministers, such as Al Sharpton, Jerry Falwell and Jessie Jackson access to the airwaves if they are going to open their mouths. This device can also be programmed for politicians, movie and television celebrities, and sports figures.

It was my idea to have In-Law Ejector seats installed in the front and rear passenger seats of all vehicles.

It was my idea that when there are auto problems, the manufacturers would be recalled.

It was my idea, that at no additional charge, the Department of Motor Vehicles would take as many pictures as necessary until we are satisfied with what photograph is to be attached to our drivers licenses.

It was my idea to post this blog....

....Why? I have no idea!


Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Blog Trek

After a long day at work, I had just settled in my chair. While I sipped from a cup of coffee, I armed my weapon. My aim was impeccable as usual. On the first shot, the TV and cable box came to life.
"Activate main screen," I said aloud.

To get more comfortable I powered up the chair. My feet were slowly, soothingly lifted from the ground even as the back of the chair eased me into a relaxed position. My hands on the arms of the chair, I slowly turned to confirm that all sytems were go. The shades were down and the curtains were drawn. Operating on impulse power, I raised my weapon and let off another shot. The view screen before me turned black for a trice and then transmuted into a desired image of another sector of space.

With interest I studied the new images. The shapely woman in a tiny bikini was walking across the sands of a beach carrying a six pack of beer. Two young men in the background were watching her intently, staring at her every move. I soon learn that they are not watching the seductive sway of the woman's body. They don't even notice that the string of her bikini top has loosened. The woman quickly graps the falling piece of cloth before any of her charms are exposed. The men are staring, a leer pasted on their countenances. Not once during the drama playing out before them do they take their eyes from the six pack of beer. It was refreshing to see the two men exercising such restraint. They had their priorities straight.

Suddenly the commercial disapppeared, replaced by some awful drama. The flash of my weapon evoked newer images from other sectors. The little green lizard, a gecko I believe, is pulling a miniature car into a parking space. In the next scene, his Aussie dialect is telling us to by insurance from the company that had hired him as the spokes-mascot-person. I was mesmerized as a prehensile tongue emerged from its mouth and commenced to lick its eye. Then there was that unmistakable fade as the image began to change.

By then I was beginning to get aggitated. In the next instant the network interrupted its commercials and sent the new image of a football game! It was a College Bowl game being played on a blue field somewhere in Idaho. I was in luck, a timeout was called. I relaxed some as a promotional commercial of the two schools involved in the game. It was about employment oppurtunites on the school's campus. There were several positions open.

Aarghh! Before I knew what was happening, the game was blatantly being beamed back onto my screen. Irate, I began to fire my weapon in the rapid-fire mode. Sector after sector revealed programming. When I did find some commercials, again and again they were replaced with programs or sporting events. Why, in several sectors there was even news!

I was beginning to suspect that I had stumbled into a black hole. It was confirmed that I had in fact been injected into some distant quadrant of the Universe when I scanned several sectors with commercial-free programming! What was the world coming to? Commercial-free? It was down right sacreligious! The Spanish had held an inquisition over less.

Bringing the chair to an upright position, I fired a killing shot at the entertainment center. I wanted to relax. I wanted to watch a little intelectual television. I wanted to be entertained.

There was one thing I could do. If I wanted to be entertained and if I wanted it to be intellectual, I would have have to turn to the smaller screen. I would have to settle into another chair.

Cyber space ... The final frontier. Here begins my mission ... To seek out strange new blogs ... Intelligent life ... TO BOLDLY GO WHERE EVERYONE HAS GONE BEFORE.......


Tuesday, December 27, 2005

What Kind Of Man Reads...

I'm sure you've heard of the catch phrase, "What kind of man reads Playboy?" When I saw it the first time I thought, "There's stuff in there to read?" Oh yeah - the jokes!

I always thought it would be more interesting if they asked, "What kind of man looks at the pictures in Playboy?" When I was thinking such profound things, I was just a strapping lad in my teens. A strapping teen was the kind of man who looked at the pictures in Playboy. Well, we did read the vital statistics, you know, the measurements of the Centerfolds!

As for the so-called reading material, there sure was an awful lot of it! To that fact I can attest, because many times I found myself eagerly zipping past and through those pages. While this will probably come as a surprise to you, I can assure you that I wasn't looking for interesting reading material. You could flip through easily 30 to 40 pages or more between the pictorials.

Getting one's hands on a Playboy Magazine back then was a major score. These magazines were always behind the counter, inaccessible to us teens. Our fathers, uncles or older brothers were often the unwitting suppliers of that "Atlas of Anatomy."

Nowadays I am not so concerned about what kind of man reads Playboy, or looks at the pictures for that matter. I've moved on. You might say I've climbed a little higher on that intellectual ladder. I'm more interested about the impact of what people read and what impact they have on the world.

So I put to you this searing question, "What kind of man reads Mad Magazine?" To me, it would be a man who likes satire, irony and parodies. What kind of man reads Mad? The man who reads Mad is irreverent. He is focused on the light side of life. He can find humor even in the most dire and serious events in the world.

What kind of man reads ... say ... Cosmopolitan? Well, personally I wouldn't want to know what kind of man reads Cosmopolitan! A better question would be, "What kind of woman reads Cosmopolitan?"

The same goes for who reads Redbook or Good Housekeeping.

Perhaps now you would like to sit back and assume a comfortable position in your chair. The following question begs to be considered. What kind of person reads Blogs? What kind of man, what kind of woman reads Blogs?

The kinds of persons who read Blogs are intelligent and well versed. They wish to be entertained, informed and to escape from the pressures of their jobs, families, and poor choices to watch on television. What kind of man reads Blogs? What kind of woman reads Blogs? Many of them are Bloggers themselves.

Guess what? Many Bloggers are the kind of people who read Playboy. Some are the kind of people who read Mad. Yes, some of them read Cosmopolitan, Redbook and Good Housekeeping. There are people who read the Bible, who also read Blogs. What kind of people read Blogs? You. You and you. You, over there trying to hide behind your CPU. You, yes you. You who just tried to sneak into the kitchen for a snack. All of you!

....And me too!


Monday, December 26, 2005

The Island Of Misfit Bloggers

It can only be found when you are not looking for it. It's in the last place you would ever think to look. It lies somewhere beyond the horizon of awareness, between insomnia and stupor. It is both a forbidding place and a playground at the same time. Things there are not what they appear until you take another look. There are no sounds, a shroud of silence surrounds you until you listen. It is crowded, over-populated until you realize that you are alone.

Welcome to the Island of Misfit Bloggers. No sovereignty, it is a land of autocracy with no leader and no one to be ruled. A gossamer wraith in cyber space, it is visibly unseen. It is a world of blind vision and vociferous silence.

The populace is littered with an impressive array of characters who are nondescript and famous, as well as those demonstrative shy souls who hide in overt frankness. The elder statesman, Old Horsetail Snake may be the youngest at heart. Now that he had made his pile, he was lost betwixt needing a pile and leaving one.

He once was a champion two-legged not-so-thouroughbred. He can claim victories in the Kentucky Sombrero, the Boldfont Stakes and the Freakness. When he was retired to stud, he claimed, "It's a messy job, but someone's gotta do it." He was sire to such famous offspring as Where's The Secretary At , Girl-a-day, Seattle Slaw, and of course Stewball.

Offshore there is a Pirate controlling the waters where no ships sail. The mayor, Let's Make a Deal-Monty with the aid of the local psychiatrist, Tan Lucy Pez, are looking for Windfall Woman to pad their coffers. The Long Iron of the law watches them closely.

Jumping John-In-The-Box, the island personnel manager has his assistant, Snake, creep around to keep an eye on the goings-on of the island. In the center of the island stands the Unhappy Thinker, Rodin's prototype for his more famous statue. Around the statue, denizens of the island have gathered for a concert put together by Rilla and performed by the popular recording artist Music Whore. Accompanying her on the guitar is Stringman and Blue Dilly on the bass.

Reporting on the event, Miss Cellania will be providing pictures and links to the internet. Refreshments are being handled by Kat at her franchise Keep The Coffee Coming. Blessings and the Benediction will be given by The Pope. In the event that there is an album produced from the concert, Aral will be on hand to capture the album cover for her series Bizarre Album Saturday in Pezland (BASIP). Cheri will be the audience striking up conversations with the married men and Big Dick will be looking for large models for his series Fattie Friday.

Please note: This post was put up for fun. I mean in no way to imply that any of those bloggers above, are in fact misfits. I also want to say that any one not mentioned is a misfit. That was a joke!!
....If posting a blog and having a site makes one a misfit, then I have to include myself. This was just an idea I had sitting as a started draft since about the 15th of December. Short of any fresh ideas, I decided to resurrect this all but forgotten project.
....Perhaps hungover from the days before and including Christmas, I am a little tired and a little less than energetic to let the creative juices flow. Or I have become lazy ... Or I don't care ...
....Or I am a ... Misfit Blogger.


That's A Wrap!

By now, allowing for the rotation of the earth, everyone has seen Christmas come and pass. The celebrations are over. The feasts have been ingested, if not digested.

Most have assessed their booty. Gifts have been sorted into separate stacks - one for the keepers, one for re-gifting, and another for returns. Crumpled and tattered paper has been reduced to the undignified fate of filling trash containers, bearing little resemblance to the proud trees from where the wrapping came.

Some of the stuff will remain beneath the once shining tree, a display of the haul taken in by each member of the household.

Who among us can claim they are humbled before that treasure? While we look upon our spoils, do we remember, or even try to remember what it all represents?

I wonder what the Magi would think if they had set out following a star in the sky in today's world. I think they would just keep riding toward the horizon and not look back. (That is if the expressway wasn't bumper to bumper.)

Their gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh would probably end up in the re-gifting pile today. The kid wanted an X-Box. Ralphie would have shot their eyes out with his Red Ryder bee-bee gun. Meanwhile the State fuzz have pulled Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar over for operating camels without a valid license. It seems that they will be booked for smuggling across the border. No one will believe these Camel Cowboys about a moving star and the birth of a king.

Another Christmas has passed, and there is little doubt that even fewer people will ponder about the true meaning of Christmas and the reason for giving.

I too, have become lost in the commercialization of Christmas. Yet, I can sit back and proudly say that I know the story. I know the reason, and I know that we aren't worthy. When the day comes that we remember the spirit of the giving before the receiving, then and only then will we be worthy.


Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas

No matter how you say it ...





Mele Kalikimaka

Sung Tan
Chuk Ha

Feliz Natal

Meri Kurisumasu ~ Nollaig Shona

Gajan Kristnaskon

...And of course,

Peace be with you. May we never forget the true meaning of Christmas.


Saturday, December 24, 2005

Nightmare on the 24th

Decisions. Decisions.

If only that was my dilemma. In order to make a choice or to make a decision, you must have more than one option. You can't flip a coin. You can't "eeny-meeny-miney" unless you have a choice. I couldn't even ask a passerby to play "rock, paper and scissors."

You see, I didn't have the luxury of deciding between two options. Alas, I didn't even have one option. I had nothing!

(Insert opening line from some great work of literature.) It was the best of the times, it was the worst of times. That's close to the impending gloom I felt. It was a dark and stormy night. No, that doesn't work. Twas the night before Christmas. Ah, there you go. That's the one.

This year I was one of those last-minute Christmas shoppers. It wasn't by design. It just worked out that way, much to my chagrin. To make matters worse, this is the first Christmas that I can recall that I had absolutely no idea what to buy. (No idea, as in clueless.) As such, I had no idea where to go to purchase "something yet to be determined." This year I got it backward, because last minute shopping is reserved for last minute gifts, such as stocking stuffers. Well, I had already bought those weeks ago. The "good" gifts are the ones you know your going to buy. You're supposed buy them weeks ago!

This year there no hints. There were no clippings or pictures for me to accidently find. No notes had been slipped into a jacket pocket. Therein lies my quandary. Neither my wife nor my daughter particularly like jewelry. Both of them have either skin conditions or allergies, thus removing cosmetics from the running. It was declared a long time ago, that I am not to be entrusted with buying clothing for them.

Not that I think appliances make good Christmas gifts, but those were also exempt. It seems that both of them have every gadget and gizmo imaginable. I know, because I bought some of them in the past.

I'm not a rocket scientist by no means, but I think I know what that guy in the tee shirt wants for Christmas. Right you are. He is dreaming of a Garfield Chia Pet! I'll bet his favorite Christmas song will soon be: "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth." Poor guy, all he was trying to do was to read her name tag!

So there I was out on the front lines. Every aisle was a gauntlet to run. Every display was a pillbox, elbows and feet firing like machine guns. Perish the thought that a medic could get to you in time. Midget battalions resembling unwatched children were darting from the ramparts of clothing racks. Once through the maze of ramparts you would emerge into a clearing of floor littered with shoes and toys laid out as if it were a minefield. One misstep would prove injurious. The enemy was a pilfering horde. Every item that had been in a box was removed, only to be found two or three aisles away. There were obscenities bursting in the air as the enemy fought in close quarters with clerks at the registers.

My spoils secured, the battlefield was soon behind me. An officer was directing traffic. There is one sure fire way to create a traffic jam, and that is to assign a detail cop to direct entering and exiting vehicles onto a shopping mall. Where once there had been bumper-to-bumper slow moving traffic, there was then bumper-to-bumper unmoving traffic- a two-lane parking lot.

Finally, under a covert operation, I wrapped the gifts and placed them under and about the Christmas tree. It was only then I sat down and recorded the events into the file marked: the Xmas-Files. Scully and Mulder would have been proud.


Friday, December 23, 2005

Hung Elves Shopping

When I stumbled across this photograph, I felt a sense of deja vu. Does that ever look familiar, I thought. At first, I was about to chalk it up that I'd seen the picture before. Then it hit me like a ton of onion dip. I wasn't eating bricks at the moment, but I was having some chip and dip.

Not only was this store front familiar, I just happen to drive by it nearly everyday. It is located in Malden, Ma., a mere mile or so from my front door in the next city over, Everett. It is located on Main Street at the junctions of Cross and Medford Streets. It isn't far from a restaurant called Dung Do.

Just call me Blissful Smickleifigus. This "Elf Name" thingie was featured over at Miss Cellania's, so for laughs I thought I'd give it a try. "Smifckleifigus is the name, and blogging is my game."

Christmas Elf Name

My Christmas Elf Name is
Get your Christmas Elf Name at

I also tried my pseudonym, Hale McKay and was given the elf name: Batty Sugar-socks. I think I'll stick with Blissful Smickleifigus, thank you.

Speaking of elves, I "harvested" this cute little guy from a post a while back by the celebrated Old Hoss. I believe this guy just might be telling us that we are number one in his book. Otherwise he is guessing our age or I.Q. Then again, he may be hitchhiking a ride from a helicopter.

Sometime ago, I found this site that suggested you could have a duplicate drivers license made up for you online. I should have known that it was a gag, but nonetheless I took the bait. They reeled me in and issued the one you see here.

My new license will come in handy tomorrow while I am out Christmas shopping. Today was payday and finally I can get out there and buy all of those "I-have-no-idea-what-to-get" gifts. When I try to write checks for my purchases, they'll probably ask for some ID.

That's right, I'll be one of those last minute shoppers - and on Christmas Eve no less! It's not that I haven't tried to get some shopping done, but my schedule and the fates have had other ideas.

After fighting the traffic and the crowds, the gifts and I are going to have to go to battle with rolls and sheets of wrapping paper.


I Can't Believe It's Not Better

I can't believe I was served I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. I for one, couldn't believe that it would taste like it's not butter. I believe it was too much to expect, to expect it to really taste like butter. So I flagged down the waitress. She couldn't believe that I'd asked for some of those little pads. I couldn't believe what she brought was such a crock! It was Country Crock! I still can't believe that I ate something called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and thought to myself, "It doesn't taste like butter." Can you believe it?
....I couldn't believe that someone would invent something I don't believe is butter, and have the audacity to name it I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. You know what? I believe this is the classic oxymoron.

Maybe those brilliant minds would be better served to invent something that you wouldn't believe it wasn't what it is, instead of what it isn't. I can't imagine this is making any sense. Hey, you Einstein wannabees, why not invent something that'll make me say, "I can't believe I was served I Can't Believe It's Not Liver," and it wasn't?

How about applying some of that brain power to some new technology? You could create some new advancements in reproduction products, like say ... I Can't Believe It's Not Memorex ? Is it Memorex or ...? Just think of it, with a little modification, fashion photographers could touch up the models photos with I Can't Believe It's Not Mammarex !

Pretty soon, other industries could take the idea and run with it. Maybe Yamaha or Honda would turn the world of bikers upside down. This product would appeal to both men and women. "Honey, vacuum the rugs before you play Easy Rider." Get your motor runnin' ... Head out in the hallway!

I Can't Believe It's Not a Motor Cycle could run one ad campaign for the women: "Ladies, your man can have a bike and vacuum too." They could also run ads for the I Can't Believe It's Not a Vacuum Cleaner : "Bikers, get the best of two worlds, get the woman off your back. Before hitting the wide open roads, take a spin around the house and clean the carpets."

The possibilities for this concept are boundless. Those lite beer commercials could make a bundle for the bottlers. Imagine men getting wasted on one of the new unique alcohol-free beers: I Can't Believe It's Not Beer !

A few other possibilities:

Steaks - I Can't Believe It's Not Meat
Vibrators - I Can't Believe It's Not A Penis
Viagra - I Can't Believe You Want To Go Again

I Can't Believe I Named This Blog "I Can't Believe It's Not Better."


Thursday, December 22, 2005

A Blog Roll Christmas Card

This is hardly an original idea. While blog slumming, I came across two or three blogs using this theme. I forgot to write down any of the site names, so I cannot give any due credit.

Instead of sending Santa a list for myself, I am asking Santa to take care of my Blog Roll friends. I am asking the Jolly One to make their Christmas a merry one.

Amanda Matilda has been inactive since October. Here's wishing Santa makes sure she is okay and that she has solved her spam problem.

....Here's wishing AP3 continues to come up with more neat album covers for her on-going BASIP (Bizarre Album Saturday in Pezland) and may she find all the Pez dispensers she needs for her collection.
....Wishing The Pope continued success with his humorous blog.
....May Big Dick keep (?) finding pictures for his Fattie Friday series.
....My West Virginia buddy, Blue Dilly needs some good luck with his truck. He puts a lot of miles on his vehicle as he travels about testing coal samples.
....Santa, I know you'll raise your eyebrows at this wish, but trust me Cheri would like a really hot man with whom to have an affair.
.... Dawn, aka Webmiztris, let her keep having fun so she can post about her fun and make us laugh.
....Here's wishing John, the Duke of Earl has continued success as he nears publication.
....May Santa fulfil the wishes of FTS (Follow That Star) to complete his collection of the Star Trek movies and TV programs.
....Santa, make sure that Carolyn's dogs get what they want. Their lists are posted on her blog.
....Santa, please give Inanna some free time to finish re-writing her novella and allow her some spare time for beading.
....Because she writes them down for us to read, let Ivy continue to get thoughts at night that keep her awake.
....If you were to read Jennifer's Blog you'd think she doesn't need much and is very happy with her life. I wish her continued happiness.
....Jillian, here's wishing you luck with the new grandpuppy and a quick healing for the pulled muscle.
....Mr. Claus help make Jules' transfer an easy one and grant her luck at the new location.
....She's selling her house, Santa. Help Karyn make it through the ordeal. Also, wish her luck on her soon-to-be published stories. Help her to keep coming up with some good poetry on Wednesdays and great stuff for Freaky Fridays.
....May Katry over at "Keep The Coffee Coming" continue to use her love of music to post her audio blogs of songs with such a wide variety.
....Without striking a match or starting a fire, help Kenju maintain a fine match book collection and to find a way to display them.
....Santa, make sure that those gifts sent by Long Iron arrive to their intended destination in Michigan. Guide him to keep posting that good stuf, especially like "The Mousetrap."
....Megan, wishing you lots more comfortable cuddling.
....Monsieur Pierre Noel, make sure Miss Cellania keeps finding all those neat pictures and those sites for us to visit. Give her an appropriate title, like Internet Ambasador.
....Santa, what can I say about Monty, but that she is the goodest bad girl I know. Or is that the baddest good girl I know? Well anyway, even when she is bad , she is good! Wishing her and hers a very Merry Christmas.
....Please make sure that Music Whore gets to see the the Moody Blues and to hear them anytime she wants.
....Help Nankin finish the book she is working on - so I can read it.
....Claus, old boy, make sure another old boy, namely Hoss, keeps churning out some the funniest stuff I've read.
....Here's wishing that Pirate gets through the ordeal of his company closing its doors on Dec. 31.
....Santa, see to it that Rachael and her family come through okay in the changes about to affect them. Good luck, kid. I hope Jake's name is cleared.
....May Rhiannon continue to provide us with her poetry, drawings, and angel pictures.
....Rilla keep coming up with those lyrics of great songs to post as captions to the cool pictures.
....May Saurkraut continue to post her informative blogs and great pics.
....Santa please take care of Peg (Schnoodlepooh) and don't forget her two boys Bailey and Baxter, as well as her birds. Peg was one of the first to be added to my blog roll and one of the earliest regular readers and commenters.
....Pray for Shann that she gets some relief from her medical woes. Leave some coal for her hair dresser - she wrecked Shann's hair.
....Help my neighbor in Cambridge, Snake solve his computer problems caused by a hacker so he can get back on line.
....Don't let the name fool you, but Storm is really a nice person. Join me Santa in congratulating her and her husband as they renew their vows.
....Nicky, find some good music videos for Stringman and a little less Jagermeister.
....Sudie likes to muse and she is very good at it about everything imaginable. Here's hoping she keeps it up.
....Make sure Susie is taken care of and that she recovers from her alcohol problem and is adjusted to her recent marriage to Dan. We have to watch over those who have a West Virginia connection.
....Wishing you continued good health, Suzie!
....Here's hoping that Tan Lucy Pez continues to post funny stuff from her Psychiarist's Booth.
....Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you also, Tenderheart !
....He always seem to find some of the weirdest and interesting things on the net. Keep it up, Timmy .
....Santa grant some happy thoughts to Unhappy Thinker and continued fun with 48 Laws of Power, Grafitti Monday, and Things That Make You Go Hhmm...
....Kringle, if there is a way, please see to it that Windfall Woman and her mother reconcile. May she keep happy with her Girl Scouts. May she be happy.

To each and everyone of you mentioned above, have the Merriest Christmas and the Happiest New Year ever!!

No. 472

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

A Dirty White Christmas

It is the first day of winter officially!
...And I am already tired of it!

It looks like we are going to have a dirty-white Christmas. There is no snow to speak of, save some flurries between now and the 25th, forecast for us in the Boston area. They have a saying up here, "If you don't like the weather in New England, wait a minute!"

Yes, it'll be a dirty-white Christmas. The remains of the last snow two weeks ago looks like mashed potatoes with too much pepper shook upon it. The fumes from the vehicles' exhausts and the sand from the city sanders have transformed what could have been a white backdrop into dingy mounds of frozen dirt-snow.

Walking can still be hazardous for those who must travel by foot, a patchwork of cleared and unshoveled sidewalks alternating every two or three houses in their path. Block after block, particularly those lesser traveled, streets are still lumpy from the frozen snow thrown there by the shovels-full by thoughtless residents. Those lumps, laced with salted sand, have already started to create next spring's unwanted gift, pot holes!

We have only had two snowfalls so far. The first was only an inch or so, slightly more than a dusting. The second was a more generous 6 inches, but it was delivered in a white-out blizzard fashion. There were drifts 5 to 6 feet high. It is that snow that now lingers as a dirty-white blanket, which has more of an appearance of huge piles of guano than the white stuff that is desired on Christmas.

It was deposited as a dry flaky powder. The kids couldn't make snowmen. They couldn't make snowballs to throw at our cars. Nyah-nyah, you little bastards!

The teens, the same ones who went Trick-or-Treating with no costumes carrying pillow cases for bags, the same ones who smashed the pumpkins, egged people's property, were wandering aimlessly. They looked so pathetically sad that there were no snowmen to knock over. They couldn't even slip into the cemetery to overturn gravestones because the city had installed security cameras there. They coudn't steal hubcaps to throw like frisbees at the houses, because they were buried in snow. It is fortunate for us that they won't even put in a little effort to move the snow clear of the wheels. It seems we have lazy vandals.

Don't think for one minute that these fine up-standing youths would give up so easily. Right there, accessible and easy to move was a veritable treasure trove in almost every yard. A poke here and a jab there with a knife and they would walk away from the corpse of a seven-foot inflated Santa Claus and Snowman. Pity those who spent $150 for those new inflatable "snow globes," only to find them in a heap in their yard. The carefully strung lights that once hung on the shrubs and on the stair railings were now littering the neighbor's yard, as was his into his neighbor's yard. In some yards, the decorations were gone altogether.

We've been lucky so far. Our property, directly underneath a street light and surrounded by two houses with motion activated flood lights, has been spared. In fact, every house on our street have been vandal-free. Even my hand-made signs sticking in a snowbank at the end of the driveway is still there. The one sign reads "Free Snowmen. Assembly Required," while the other reads "Free Snow. Help Yourself." To date I have yet to find any of the snow in my yard missing. No one has erected a snowman in my yard either.

Hmm, I wonder ... What if I put a sign that reads "Do Not Remove Snow?" You dont suppose ....? Maybe ... "Do Not Build Snowmen In This Yard?" I could wake up and find a half dozen of them...

I know, I'm dreaming. Yeah, I am dreaming of a dirty-white Christmas.