Friday, October 29, 2010

Butterfly Dreams (36)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.
-(The Story begins HERE)-

I felt drained and devoid of all emotion. My mind was under siege and it was about to be deluged with another stream of more improbable facts.

Facts or fiction? Dreams or reality? Was I capable of distinguishing one from the other?

His eyes meeting mine via the rear view mirror, Baxter inquired, "Michael, how much do you remember of your childhood?"

Although I opened my mouth to reply no words escaped my lips. While my mind existed in his body, I knew nothing about Michael Black's past. I could summon only memories of my own youth ... as Ben Bering. My only recourse was to become defensive. "What does my childhood have to do with any of this?"

"Nothing and everything," he said.

"What? What's that supposed to mean?" I asked my irritation growing more apparent.

He didn't respond right away but slowed down and pulled onto a vacant lot. He twisted in the seat until he was facing me. "I know who you are, who you were and who you're trying to be. Your identity, such as it is, is safe with us."

My eyes darted to Brock O'Day's face. "You know? How? When?"

In a passive gesture he raised his palms, "I only learned of this about an hour ago from Professor Jordan."

"Jordan? You saw him and spoke with him?" I shook my head, confusion reigning supreme in my head. "He just walked up to you out of the blue and told you that I'm ..."

He produced a folded piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to me. "Not exactly. While I was waiting for you to come out of the building he came up to me and handed me that handwritten note. I couldn't believe what I was reading." He looked into my eyes and implored, "You're really Ben? And Michelle is Susan?"

I nodded, relieved to be sharing my secret with someone I considered to be a friend. I turned my attention to Baxter, "I suppose you also learned of this from Professor Jordan?"

"No," he replied. He leaned over the seat and placed his hand on my shoulder. "I found out about it from our father."

If it were possible for one's jaw to drop to the floor, mine would have done so at that precise moment. "Did you just say our father? Please tell me that you were reciting a prayer opening."

Grinning he shook his head, "Come on, you haven't wondered about our striking resemblance to one another? It never occurred to you that we might be twin brothers?"

"That's preposterous!" I cried. "I have no siblings, let alone a twin!"

He removed his hand from my shoulder and said, "I'll pose the question again, but this time I'm asking Ben Bering. How much do you remember of your childhood?"

I swallowed hard before I was able to respond. I hadn't thought about my youth in a long time. I lowered my head and stared at my hands folded across my lap. I realized that my answer would be an admission of sorts, "Actually, not a whole lot. The old man was an abusive drunk. He use to beat my mother ... and me."

"It's painful, I know," Baxter said. "Tell me that I'm wrong that you felt no remorse when he died in that automobile accident." He seemed amused at the startled look on my face and continued, "You were sixteen when your mother died and you ran away shortly after because they were going to place you in a foster home."

"How ... how," I stammered, "could you know that?"

He turned and shifted the vehicle into gear. His biting reply was short, " I have the identical memory."

"Stop! Please? Let me try to digest what you've been laying on me. My mind feels like it's going to short circuit." I lapsed into a silent stupor. Moments later I was staring out of the window but not actually seeing anything. The road signs and the absence of urban development did not register at first. I sensed that something wasn't right, but I was too numb to realize what.

"Baxter," O'Day said to the driver, "while he's digesting, maybe you could give me something to chew on." He continued when the man nodded, "If Michael and Michelle are Ben and Susan ... then who in the hell is that woman in the back seat?"

"That, my friends, is an answer I don't have," he replied.

I leaned forward and tapped Baxter's shoulder, "Jeremy, before you unveil any more revelations, there's something I need to know." I began counting on my fingers as I spoke, "Besides Michelle and myself and Professor Jordan, and you and now Brock, who else knows ...?"

"...That you and Michelle were Ben and Susan?" he answered before I could complete my query. "Beyond those who were present at the hospital when the mind transfer took place, I'm certain that covers the list of those in the know."

"Hmmm," I mused, "Bishop King has since died. That would leave Stu Jankowski and of course, Rosie. They have Rosie and Stu is among the missing. I think it's safe to assume that they must have him too."

His reply seemed cryptic, "Perhaps, and perhaps not."

"I think it's time you told me why we are driving away from Boston and the airport? Where are you taking me?"

It was O'Day and not Baxter who responded. "There was a change of plans, Michael. We're on our way to the Bedford Airbase."

"That's right," Baxter said. "I thought a precautionary measure was necessary to throw off anyone who might be tailing us. I've arranged for a military jet to fly us to Nevada. We'll be airborne while the FBI and our other friends are gathering at Logan awaiting our arrival there."

I nodded in approval. It was a good idea to stay one step ahead of the enemy. I took a long deep breath and slowly exhaled, "Alright, Jeremy, why don't you elaborate on my ... life story? For starters, just who is my ... our father?"

"I think you have an idea, but I'll get to him later," he stated. "First, we have to take another trip back to your childhood ... our childhood." Once again our eyes met in the rear view mirror as he spoke, "You don't remember bath time?"

I felt my pulse quicken, "What?"

"We couldn't wait for those baths, Michael. Don't you remember her coming out of that shower naked? We loved watching her drying herself. You don't remember her bending over the tub to scrub us clean?"

I was trembling as I responded, "That was a dream! Are you telling me that you've had the same dream? It was a dream, wasn't it?"

"Was it? Is it really possible that we've had the same dream?" he quipped. "Could it be that some buried subconscious memory somehow came to the surface?"

I didn't want to believe him. It didn't make sense. "That woman was our mother?"

He did not respond but instead asked, "Do you remember the two little girls?"

My response was almost mechanical, "Our sisters? What ever happened to them? Where are they now?" I tried without success to swallow the lump in my throat while awaiting his answer.

"They are very much alive and have been figuring prominently in the recent events."

He noted and understood my stunned silence. He then turned to look into the face of Brock O'Day, who was staring wide-eyed back at him.

It was O'Day who was finally able to speak. "Rosie and Faye?"

( To be continued

One Happy Family )


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

No Baloney

I borrowed the following from one of my clients. It was sent to her by a relative. I scanned the two photos and then typed the content of the letter so it could be posted here.

It's a cute story that should bring a smile to your face.

Chippy and the Bologna Sandwich

I wanted to share the following short story and pictures with you ... because I hear you too are a cat lover.

I took Chippy, a black and white Manx, into my home in her golden years. My sister was unable to keep her due to her son's increasingly serious allergies. She needed to find a home for her quickly, and becoming an outdoor cat was not an option for Chippy.

I had one cat already and Velcro wasn't at all thrilled that i was opening my door to another cat. She ruled the house by herself ... and that's the way she liked it.

Velcro actually grew to accept Chippy after giving her the cold shoulder for the first few months.

Chippy was such a sweet cat and a very gentle soul. She was so timid that if she heard a noise ... she froze in her tracks. It made catching her in the act that much funnier.

I was sitting at the table watching TV and making myself a bologna sandwich when I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked down and saw a white paw sticking through a narrow opening where my table and counter met.

Chippy had quietly positioned herself on a bar stool under the counter and couldn't see me. I think she thought I couldn't see her either.

She just kept sweeping her paw back and forth trying to get a hold of my sandwich. Luckily, I had a disposable camera close by with two pictures left.

You can see the determination on her face once she hooked her claw into the sandwich and she moved her face closer to the opening so she didn't lose sight of the prize.

If only I had a third picture left in the camera I would have captured her taking a nibble out of the bologna sandwich as she triumphantly pulled it right into her mouth.

Bologna isn't exactly good for cats, but i didn't have the heart to take it away without letting her have a couple of bites of the victory sandwich.

These pictures are a few years old and I still laugh every time I see them. I hope you enjoy them too.

I have two sisters who are nurses. They each keep copies of these pictures with them at work to share with their patients who are away from home and missing their own pets.

Chippy would be so proud if she knew how many people have gotten a chuckle from her photos.

I believe I may have captured the only bold thing she ever did.



Monday, October 25, 2010

Butterfly Dreams (35)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.
-(The Story begins HERE)-
Who Shot Ben Bering?

I was stunned by what the Colonel was implying and was unable to speak for several minutes. I had experienced the gunshot wound and remembered the searing pain before everything went dark. Was what he said true? Had I really been shot by my friend Brock O'Day? I had assumed that one of the Secret Servicemen had fired the shot.

Then there was the matter of General Gates' plans. I knew that I had activated the device. The device was supposedly designed to negate the General's mind control transmission targeting the President. If I was to believe Wingate however, the device was intended to boost the signal.

I cleared my throat and asked the question burning in my head. "What about the injection, Colonel? I hope you're planning to tell me what your Butterfly Nectar traced when it was injected into me and Michelle."

I froze and my eyes widened when he produced a large military knife. The cold steel blade hovered for a moment near my abdomen. I followed its path as it moved to the strap which secured my left wrist. Holding my breath, I watched as the implement sliced through the restraint. He then sheathed the knife and backed away.

"Mr. Black, I don't like you and I don't know if I can trust you, but I'm not your enemy. There are those out there who have set in motion events that threaten our country's security. For some reason they have chosen to keep both you and your wife alive. I see no reason to act otherwise."

"That's reassuring, Colonel," I snapped. With my free hand I began to undo the restraint on my other hand. Before leaning forward to free my feet I gazed up at him and asked, "So, how can you be so sure they want to keep us alive?"

His stoic countenance revealed no emotion. "You wanted to know what the Butterfly Nectar found?" He watched as my face paled before speaking, "Yes, both you and your wife have the implants."

Freed of the remaining restraints I stood and faced him. "You had to strap me to that chair to tell me that there are bombs implanted at the bases of our skulls?"

He shook his head, "I wasn't responsible for the gas or your capture." He pointed to the closed door behind him, "In that room you'll find one who was. If you have a weak stomach, I'd advise that you not to look in there." He ran a finger across his throat while patting the knife at his side and snorted, "It's not a pretty sight."

It was all I could do to utter but one inquiring word, "Who...?"

"Let's just say that his untimely death will not be making the evening news."

"I see. He was one of them, just a nameless agent working for a nameless government organization. I don't suppose you could tell who they are and who they answer to ...?"

"No," he said cutting my query short. "I have my own thoughts on that matter, but I've already told you more than I should have."

I raised my hand to the back of my neck and pleaded, "How can we ... can we deactivate these implants?"

He looked away, "I suppose those who inserted the devices have that capability. I did witness an attempt to remove one of them." His eyes met mine and he added, "Trust me, you don't want to tamper with them."

"If it's all the same, Colonel, I would rather not have known about those things being in our heads."

He crossed the small room and opened a door to my left, "Use that knowledge to be cautious, Mr. Black, lest they decide you will have become expendable. I must go now. As you, I must prepare for a long flight."

"Wait," I called to him. "The girl ...?"

"She is safe. You'll be reunited with her shortly," he answered as he disappeared through the portal.

I raced after him only to enter into a dark hallway. About ten feet from where I stood I could see only the red glowing letters of an exit sign. Beneath it I pushed on a door which opened onto the campus grounds.

"Michael, over here," Brock O'Day shouted. "I've been looking all the place for you."

He approached me and to my surprise Susan was at his side. Dumbfounded I demanded, "Where did Wingate go?"

"Wingate?" he reacted. "You saw Wingate? He was here?"

I didn't reply but glared at the girl with him. "Why did you run off? Why did you come here?"

She was trembling and whimpered, "I ... I don't know. I just knew he wanted me to be here."

"Look," O'Day interjected, "let's sort all of this out later. You're going to have to haul ass to Logan if you want to catch that flight."

Without warning there was the rumble of a roaring engine and the screeching of tires barreling down upon us. The vehicle braked and skidded to a stop on the quad grass not five feet from where we stood.

"Quick! Hop in," shouted a familiar voice. Jeremy Baxter grinned from the open window, "It looks like you folks need a ride."

Pushing Susan ahead of me I scrambled into the back seat of the SUV even as Sergeant O'Day crawled into the front seat. I watched in silence as the two men shook hands.

Noticing the confused look on my face O'Day announced, "After I placed the two FBI men in their car, I called Baxter."

We were pitched backward in our seats as Baxter slammed the accelerator the the floorboard. The spinning tires hurled divots of grass in their wake. "The groundskeepers are going to be pissed when they see what I did to their nice pretty lawn," Baxter laughed as we sped across the campus and out onto the street.

O'Day turned in the seat to address me. I was unnerved by the deadpan look in his eyes. "Michael, I know you have a lot of questions. It's time you got some answers."

"Brock, are you about to tell you're a part of it all?" I glanced at the back of Baxter's head, "...And Jeremy I've suspected all along that you knew more than you've been letting on ..."

"Patience, Michael. We have a long flight ahead of us and lot to discuss," Brock said. He fumbled for something in his pocket and added, "But first there is something I have to take care of ..."

Before I could move, his arm sprung toward Susan. She yelped in pain as he pressed some object in his hand against her neck. Her body twitched in spasms and then she slumped in the seat and did not move.

"Jesus Christ!" I roared. "You tased her! Why?"

"Sorry, but we can't risk the chance of anyone eavesdropping," Brock shrugged and tapped his finger against the side of his head. "She'll be out for about an hour or so. She'll be okay."

"Michael," said Jeremy, "it's time for some revelations."

( To be Continued ...

Revelations )


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Signs of the Times

I've seen the future ~ and I'm going back to bed!

Don't give up! Remember, Moses was a basket case!

My mind works like lightning - - One brilliant flash and it's gone!

I hate it when the cat thinks outside the box!

Life is a circus and I'm stuck in the freak tent.

Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse.

Is there a hyphen in obsessive--------------compulsive?

Organization takes the fun out of everything.

I might not be right, but I can sure sound like it!

Give your troubles to GOD, He's up all night anyway!

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell me what to do.

Aim for Average ... You're Rarely Disappointed.

Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?

I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again!


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Time To Shine

There seemed to have been a hitch in my computer's giddyap the past week or so. After running several anti-spyware programs, it appears that she is running up to snuff again.

So I decided to gather up a few bits about moonshine, the official beverage of Appalachia, to announce that I should be getting back to a normal routine of posting.

The next installment of the current running short story, Butterfly Dreams should appear on Friday, 10/22.

A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift.

As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local moonshine whiskey was. The young man told the farmer that he didn’t drink very much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes.

“Nonsense!” said the farmer. “You gotta try some.” He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. “Here,” he said, handing the jar to the lad. “Take a drink!”

“Oh, no thanks,” said the young man. “I really don’t think I care for any.”

“No, I insist,” pressed the farmer. “Have some.”

“No, thanks — really,” said the young man.

The farmer wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, “I said, take a drink!”

“Okay! Okay!” said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realized just how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound.

“What do you think of it?” asked the farmer. “Good, ain’t it?”

“Yeah,” gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, “I guess so.”

Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. “Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!”.


A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says, "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the sheep. It was a lot of fun!"

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started shagging the neighbor's wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!"

The reporter, feeling frustrated, finally told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said -"Well, one time it was me who was lost . . . "


The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."


“Old Jethro’s next door makin’ moonshine again,” the wife told her husband.

“How can you tell?” he asked. “Did you smell it?”

“Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats.”


Wednesday, October 13, 2010


A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: 'What are you doing dear?'

Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females'

Wife: 'How do you know which gender they were?'

Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone'


It's Time To Retire When...

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. You forget the other two.

... when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

... when work is a lot less fun - and fun is a lot more work.

... when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

... when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

... when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

... when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

... when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!

... when you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.


Why this post with a retirement theme, you might wonder ?

Well, I've decided that I've reached the crossroads.

Last week I came to the conclusion that it was about time to turn that page to the next chapter of my life.

I've been pretty much semi-retired for a year now because of the available work due to the economy and the early signs of health issues. Those health issues aren't really serious, but they are precursors of the future.

So, why wait until my health dictates how much longer I remain in the work force? Why not enjoy retirement while I'm relatively healthy?

Once I'd reached that decision, I had to next decide when that momentous decision should go into effect. Actually, it was an easy decision as it turns out.

I wanted to be fair to my employer. They've been good to me over the years, so I felt I needed to give them a fighting chance to replace me and to reassign my clients to other workers.

I didn't need to glance at the calendar to know that winter is fast approaching. However, a glance at the calendar did show me that the last day of December happens to fall on a Friday.

So it will be, that on December 31, 2010, I will be employed for the last time. I'll start the New Year - retired!


Monday, October 11, 2010

Butterfly Dreams (34)

(A sequel to The Strange Story of Mr. Black and Ms Gray.)

They had died when helping thwart a plan to undermine the government of the United States. Now Ben and Susan have returned from the dead and they must bring that government down. Standing in their way are Michael Black and Michelle Gray, the bodies of whom they now occupy.
-(The Story begins HERE)-
Whose Life Is It?

I stirred from the sudden rush of air gushing into my lungs. Hungry for the oxygen I took several long gulps. Breathing restored, I opened my eyes.

"Not again!" I moaned.

I was sitting upright in a chair, my arms and legs restrained. I shook my head, relieved that at least I was fully clothed. As the other incident had turned out to be a drug induced delusion, I had my doubts that the results would be the same the second time around.

Though I was still somewhat groggy, I recognized the stern voice which addressed me. "Mr. Black, what am I going to do with you?"

"Colonel Wingate, you're a pain in my neck!" I snarled at my unseen tormentor.

"Cute," he said stepping into view. "Perhaps the next time I should increase the dosage."

"Ah yes, your Butterfly Nectar. What is it, a truth serum or a hallucinogen?"

He grabbed a chair, positioned its back until it was facing me and straddled it. He rested his chin on his arms which were crossed on the chair back and peered into my eyes. "Neither. It is actually a harmless liquid containing a special tracer element."

Arching my eyebrows I responded, "A tracer element? What pray tell is this element supposed to trace? Me and my whereabouts at all times?"

He cocked his head to the right and rubbed his chin, "Interesting. If such an element existed, it could prove to be quite practical." He shook his head, "No, it's nothing as exotic as that. Besides, we have our own ways of keeping track of people."

"I'm sure you do," I said glaring at the man. "I take it that because it is classified, you're not going to reveal to me what this element is designed to trace?"

There was slight grimace of his lips, "Only that what it traces is also classified."

I could see that he was baiting me to see what I might know. I could see no reason not to bite. "Implants, yes? Like nano-bombs?"

He looked away and sighed, "They were one of Julius' nasty toys. We were led to believe that the implants were miniaturized radios if you will, which could serve as both transceivers and transponders."

I shook my head at the mention of his name. "So, it would appear that General Gates left a few mementos behind. He took King's technology to the next level. He wasn't satisfied with the possibility of telepathy. My God, the field experiments in Viet Nam and the dating services gave him a virtually unlimited supply of test subjects."

Wingate's face remained stoic. I would have guessed that his many years in the Army had left him devoid of compassion. His voice, however, seemed to suggest that there was at least a small measure of human decency within the man. "...And he took full advantage of that supply! Not only was he able to send commands to those unwitting people, but when they no longer served his purpose he could ... terminate them."

"Not exactly a glowing legacy, is it?" I muttered in disgust.

"Gates would have looked upon their sacrifice as collateral damage," he professed.

I stared at Wingate for a moment before asking, "Why are you telling me all of this?"

"Wake up, Black! Are you in denial? You must know that the research you and your wife were conducting opened a Pandora's Box for Gates!"

"Now hold on," I said angered by his insinuation, "The research Michelle and I were working on was in the name of medicine." I struggled to maintain the persona of Michael Black, willing the mind of Ben Bering to remain hidden. "We discovered a way to diagnose patients by tapping into their brain synapses."

He folded his arms across his chest and grinned, "A commendable discovery to say the least. Gates however, was not interested that you'd found a way to eliminate risky and invasive surgery. He didn't care that your discovery could save lives. He was fascinated with the modifications you'd made to the headpieces and the software that made the transmission and the reception of thoughts possible."

It was all I could do not to show shock on my face. Neither Michelle Gray nor Michael Black had ever mentioned that they'd modified the headpieces. They'd never said anything about any software.

A chill ran up my spine as I remembered the recent exchanges with Professor Jordan. He said that he'd been responsible that the minds of Michael and Michelle had been transferred. Was it he who had modified the headpieces and created the software? More unsettling was his declaration that Susan and I had been restored to our original bodies.

The sense of identity crisis crept once again into my thoughts. Who was I? I was Ben Bering! I was Ben Bering occupying the body where Michael Black had once existed. I was living a lie! How could I be certain just who I was? Whose life was it? Whose life is it?

I could sense that Wingate was studying me. Was he aware that human minds could be transferred into other bodies? Was he aware that Michelle and I were living proof of such a transfer?

"Relax," Wingate said interrupting my moments of silence. "I don't believe you foresaw where your research would lead. I do believe that your benefactor, Bishop King recognized its potential. I know that he tried and failed keep the government from taking over the research."

"It goes without saying, of course, that the opportunistic General Julius Gates saw its potential," I offered.

He nodded, "But he went too far. He felt that our armed forces should invade the Middle East, not only to squash the Muslim threat, but to also seize control of the oil reserves there."

"I know," I moaned. "He tried to get into the President's head. Gates was trying to impose his will on the one man with the power he craved."

"Exactly," he replied. "There was one snag he had to overcome, and that was the security in place at Government Center where the President was to speak. His proto-type neuro-headsets had limited range. He need a way to boost the signal ..."

"They tampered with the radio tower on the roof of a nearby building," I said cutting his words short. There was a bad taste in my mouth as I recalled that day, a day that I had experienced in my former body. "Ben Bering, with help of a police officer, was able to use a hand-held device to block Gates' transmitted thoughts."

Wingate's eyes widened and he shook his head. "No, I'm afraid you have the facts somewhat misconstrued."

"Misconstrued? How so?"

"Bering was there to redirect the signal from the tower to its target, the President."

"That ... that can't be," I sputtered. "He was there to prevent Gates' signal from getting into the President's mind."

He took a deep breath and asserted, "That's what he was led to believe. You see, Gates had gotten into his mind. Gates sent him there. Gates needed Bering to activate the device in close proximity to the President. Mr. Bering died before he could activate the device."

His story didn't fit my all too vivid memories of that day. I couldn't refute his facts without admitting that I was in fact Ben Bering. I couldn't tell him that I'd felt the fatal bullet that had entered the body of Ben Bering. I couldn't tell him that our minds had been transferred into the bodies of one another.

The irony of the two conflicting versions of what happened that day were not lost on me. I knew that Ben had died after activating the device, but not before blocking the signal. In Wingate's version, Ben had died failing to activate the device and therefore foiling Gates' takeover of the President's mind.

I stared down at the floor, "The Feds thought the device was a weapon. They had no choice but to shoot him."

"What? You think The Feds shot him? No, it was that Police officer whom you thought was helping him. It was Sergeant Brock O'Day who fired the shot."

( To be continued

Who Shot Ben Bering? )


Thursday, October 07, 2010

Someday, They'll Run the Country

Richard Lederer has authored several books on the English language. I borrowed the following from a fellow blogger, John, who posted this over at his site, Romantic Ramblings. Remember, as you are reading it and the title of this post suggests ... Someday, they'll be running the country.

It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. - Richard Lederer

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.

The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympian Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Roman because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that’s the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ball bearings, and is full of fallen arches today.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the bluebonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, end other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removeable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother. In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion then is strength."

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Yocks From Yonder

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.

The second woman responded,“Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!

Whoa,” replied the first woman, "I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!
-Stolen from: Mushy

"Right lad," said the sergeant in the recruiting office, "what's your name?"

"McCoy, sergeant."

"And what was your civvy job?"

"I was a cork socker, sergeant."

"A cork socker? What's that?"

"Well, I worked in a winery, see, and my job was to put the pretty paper over the corks in the wine bottles. A cork socker, they called me."

"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer.

The next bloke fronted up. "Name?" asked the sergeant.

"McCoy, sergeant."

"Another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"

"I was a coke soaker, sergeant."

"A coke soaker? What's that?"

"Well I worked in the foundry, see, and it was my job to keep the coke damp so it burned hotter. A coke soaker they called me."

"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer.

The next bloke fronted up. "Name?" asked the sergeant.

"McCoy, sergeant."

"Not another McCoy! And what was your civvy job?"

"I was a sock tucker, sergeant."

"A sock tucker? What's that?"

"Well, I worked in a sock factory, and when the socks came off the production line
I had to fold them neatly and tuck them together. A sock tucker, they called me."

"Okay," said the sergeant, "through that door there and see the medical officer.

The next bloke fronted up. "Name?" asked the sergeant.

"McCoy, sergeant."

"Not another one!" the sergeant groaned.

"And what the hell are you lad? A coke soaker, a cork socker or a sock tucker?"

"None of those sweetie," lisped the bloke. "I'm the real McCoy!"
-Stolen from: Phils Phun

A woman was leaning how to play golf. She decided she was going to take lessons. On the first day of learning with the pro, she complained angrily that she had been stung by a wasp.

The golf pro asked her where she got stung and she replied, "Somewhere between the first and second hole."

The golf pro just stared blankly at the woman and she became a little irritated.

Finally she asked, "Haven't you got something to say about it?"

He replied, "Well, I'd say that your stance is too wide."
-Stolen from: Sandee

Dorothy and  Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking. 
  Dorothy: ''That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'' 

Edna:  ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he  takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy,  I enjoyed  it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely  crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!''  

Dorothy:  ''Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''  
Edna:  ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.''                                       

-Thanks, Cathy

One day, while going to the store, I passed by Lanark Lodge. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard sale."
-Thanks, Cathy

Tuesday, October 05, 2010


Cletis Clyde's Dating Tips
  1. Use pickup lines that compliment her, such as, "You're hot.  Wanna go back to my grandma's apartment and do it?"
  2. A gentleman always orders for his lady in restaurants, even if has to keep telling her to shut the $@#% up in front of the waiter.
  3. If she says she's like to go dancing, check your local alternative freebie paper to see which strip bars are holding auditions.
  4. If she's a little shy about revealing personal details, just wait until she goes to the restroom, and go through her purse to learn more about her.
  5. After you talk her into paying the bill, be sure to insist that you leave half the tip - that way you won't come off as cheap.

My wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn bathrobe.

I looked up from my newspaper and said, "Why can't you look like you did when we were first got married?"

"How can I?" she snapped back at me. "I'm not pregnant!"

A daughter comes home from the Peace Corps in Uganda and surprises her mother, who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing her daughter.

Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother.

"How could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in! I want to meet my new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in, and to her consternation, the mother sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a feathered cod piece, an enormous headdress, animal tooth beads and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on both cheeks and screams, "Dummy! Stupid idiot! I said RICH doctor!"
-Stolen from: Phils Phun

A recent Survey has determined that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called:  Smurf Sex.
*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called:  Kitchen Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called:  Bedroom Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called:  Hallway Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called:  Religious Sex.
*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called:  Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called:  Social Security Sex.
*You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
-The above image and list were borrowed from:  Mushy

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Movies You Haven't Seen

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