Friday, November 30, 2007

Spreading a Little Christmas Joy

Blonde Christmas Story

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's
decorated or not!"

Vow of Silence

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow
of silence. Only at Christmas, and only by one monk, and only
with one sentence, is the vow allowed to be broken.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I
like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and
he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I
think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following
Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this
constant bickering!"

Computer Geek Christmas Tunes

'Twas the 'Net before Christmas

Santa Claus is modem to town

Up On The Desktop

"Quark," The Herald Angels Sing

Gateway In A Manger

The First AOL

INTEL IT On The Mountain

.COM All Ye Faithful

JAVA Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Joy To The World Wide Web

Washington D.C. Nativity Scene

The U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any
religious reason though.

They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin
in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding
enough asses to fill the stable.

Christmas Parrot

One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot.
The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire."


Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Awed Couple

Celebrities should be seen and not heard when it comes to politics. Now Oprah has jumped into a world in which she knows nothing. Ah, but there is a madness to her methods! Can you say "ratings" and "public opinion"?

What's that? You thought it was because Obama is of the same race? Nah, Oprah would never stoop so low as to resort to such an obvious act of racial preference. I mean, when one has already been so low that she plays handball against curbstones, why would someone try to sink even deeper?

Who steps forth next to sway fans to their candidate of choice? Martha Stewart? Do we really care who Oprah supports and what her motives are? Anyone who votes for a candidate because Oprah or any other celebrity does, should have their right to vote revoked!

As for myself, before I decide whom to vote for, I will wait until the real knowledgeable pundits make their choices known. Gee, I wonder, who will Brittany, Lindsay, Paris and Nicole support?

Here Comes Oprahma

Here comes Oprahma!
Here comes Oprahma!
Right down Oprahma Lane!
Oprah's audience and all her girlfriends
are pulling for Barack.
Polls are purging, ratings surging;
Her accounts are all in the black
Hang your stockings and say your prayers,
'Cause Oprahma comes tonight.

Here comes Oprahma!
Here comes Oprahma!
Right down Oprahma Lane!
He's got baggage, she's buying clothes
While she's on a diet again.
Hear her money belt jingle jangle,
What a horrible sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
'Cause Oprahma comes tonight.


Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Home For Christmas

I could not with clear conscience bring myself to parody the song below, especially coupled with this editorial cartoon.

I'll be Home For Christmas

I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow
And mistletoe
And presents 'neath the tree

Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams

Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
If only in my dreams

Who could answer the letters of children, wanting only one thing for Christmas - their parents to come home - alive? I for one don't believe the responsibility should fall upon Santa's shoulders.

A better question would be: Who should answer those letters? Why not forward them all to the Oval Office? Why not let the man responsible for sending their fathers and mothers into harm's way read the letters?

I'll admit it presumptuous of me to think that our Commander-in-Chief would bother reading them, let alone being capable of answering them.

I'll be home for Christmas. Most of us will be. Too many, through no wish of their own, will not.


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

It's Christmas, Charlie Bush

Alternate title: Charlie Bush, You Blockhead!

My files of pictures, images and cartoons of Dubya is quite extensive. Curiously, however, I only had a handful of those with a Christmas theme. That meant one thing: Surf's Up!

So I went web surfing for some Bush Christmas pics.

Ah yes, I forgot to be careful what I asked for - because I got it! My first search began when I typed in "Christmas Bush" onto my browser. The pic at the left is the result.

Reversing the words to "Bush Christmas" yielded this rose-tinted pic of a woman placing some cookies out for Santa. The correlation of this picture and "Bush Christmas" escapes me, however. [sic]

When I used "Dubya Christmas" as my keyword I found the cartoon at the top of this post, which also suggested the title.

Rather than be as anal retentive as the browser, I decided to be more specific and and added the word "cartoons" to my search requests. Needless to say, my searches became more fruitful.

Now this is a cartoon that is sure to scare children and adults alike!

...And if that isn't a good segue to a Christmas Carol Parody, I don't know what is!

Santa Bush Is Fighting a War
(Sung to the tune of:
Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
If you voted for the guy
Santa Bush is fighting a war.

He's telling a lie
And telling it twice;
Gonna put Osama bin Laden on ice
Santa Bush is fighting a war.

He's gonna take you away from home
He's gonna send you over to Iraq
He knows you'll be a good soldier
So you'll be glad to go back.

O! You better watch out!
You better not enlist
Better not pout
Of this I insist
Santa Bush is fighting a war.

He'll see that when you're sleeping
It'll be in a hot desert tent
He make sure you have another tour
Because he's our President!

O! You better watch out!
You better not enlist
Better not pout
I'm telling you, resist
Santa Bush is fighting a war.

Santa Bush is losing the war.


Monday, November 26, 2007

A Little Light on the Subject

When I got home after work this evening I was chagrined to see that two of my neighbors had put up outdoor lights on their houses. I grumbled to myself, "What's the hurry, you clowns? It's only the 26th of November!"

I can see it now. Soon there will be the domino effect in play. Our house will be the last one to be decked out in holiday regalia.

So be it. I refuse to join the ranks of the minions who follow the Joneses. I put up our outdoor lights on the second weekend of December. It has been my routine for thirty-five years and I'm not about to change now. It's all about tradition!

I will get even though. I take the lights down on New Year's Day. Our house will be the first to lose the lights. I wonder which neighbor will be the first to follow my lead?

Putting up lights, whether they are hung outside or on the Christmas tree inside, is not one of my favorite things. No matter how diligent I was the year before taking care to stow the lights, invariably they will be a tangled mess this time around.

That brings me to today's Christmas carol parody. I culled this classic parody from my archives of a year ago. It was well received then and I hope for more of the same this year. If you've ever strung Christmas lights, you will relate to it.

Tangled Lights
(Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Thrashing through the box
For a working set of lights
I could smash em with rocks
Cursing with all my might.
Lights on tangled strings
I tug, pull and I jerk
What hell it is to find a string
That maybe just might work.


Tangled lights, tangled lights,
Tangled all the way,
Oh how I'd like to find
One working set to display.
O,Tangled lights, tangled lights,
Tangled all the way,
Oh what fun it is to find
Just one that works today.

An hour or so ago
I thought I'd write a blog
And soon Miss Cellania might
Add a link to her site.
The words are mean and rank
The torture seemed my lot,
Blew a fuse, my poor heart sank
I need some booze and pot.


Now the lights are aglow
Come see 'em if you will,
I'll charge admission so
I can pay the electric bill.
Next year I think I'll buy
A set,two or three or four
I'll put them up in July
And take them down no more!



Sunday, November 25, 2007

Christmas: Then & Now

Growing up in the rural hills of West Virginia, Christmases in the 50's were simple and not nearly as commercial as those of today. Chrismas decorations and displays weren't seen until maybe the second week of December.

We didn't draft up lengthy lists of the toys we wanted. We just crossed our fingers and waited to see what Santa brought us. In those days Santa Claus wasn't seen in every department store. The only time we ever saw Santa was on television, when he rode on that float at the end of the Macy's parade.

I don't recall anyone ever selling Christmas trees on a parking lot. Finding that special tree was both a tradition and an adventure. One of my rites-of-passage was when my dad allowed me for the first time to accompany him on the trek up into the wooded hills to fetch our tree. He even let me carry the hatchet.

It was always a special time when the tree was finally brought into the house and everyone gathered around and decorated it. What a special moment it was when the living room lights were turned off and dad plugged in the lights on the tree. Oh, sometimes there would be a pop and some sparks flying from the over-loaded outlet, and sometimes you would smell the ozone when the fuse blew. (The television and the lamp had to be unplugged when we turned on the tree lights and vice versa.)

One sure sign that Christmas was near was when the mailman dropped of the annual Christmas catalog from Monkey Wards. (Montgomery Ward department stores were bigger than Sears and Roebutts where I lived.) If us kids weren't fighting over who got to look at that catalog first, we were all sprawled on the floor together. We would be spellbound for hours by the endless brightly-colored pages of the toy section.

Yes, the Christmases back then might have been simple and quaint, but I can remember many of them as if they were yesterday. Funny, I can't seem to remember what gifts I received last year, and yet I remember those Lincoln Logs, Tinker Toys, and Tonka trucks from fifty years ago.

Granted I am much older now and my wants and needs are different, but I miss those simple times. Maybe if our parents knew what we now know, perhaps they would never let Christmas become so ... so commercial.

Have Yourself A Merry Redneck Christmas

Have yourself a merry Redneck Christmas.
Git your ass out of bed,
Go out there and get to work
So the kids can be fed.

Have yourself a merry Redneck Christmas,
Nekkid like a blue jay,
Pretty soon your cousin
Will be in a family way.

Here we are in the welfare lines,
Makin' ends meet if we're able
Faithful friends who live near to us
Are comin' for some Black Label.

Through the years
Y'all will live together
If her parents allow,
Or you will marry her
Shotgun the best man.
And have yourself a merry Redneck Christmas ... now


Saturday, November 24, 2007

...And So It Begins

It's Beginning To Look a Lot Like Whatchmacallit
Ev'rywhere you go;

Merry whatever!

The lots are filling up with Holiday Trees. Radio stations are playing Holiday carols. Some are hanging Holiday lights from their eaves. The shoppers have begun Holiday shopping for Holiday gifts from their Holiday gift lists.

Merry Christmas

- Oops! I'm not supposed to use the "Ch" word, am I?

Now that really fills us with the spirit of the season doesn't it? NOT!

I say, let 'em wash my mouth with a bar of Lifebuoy soap! I'll put up a Christmas tree and wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I'll go Christmas shopping and buy Christmas gifts. I'll send Christmas cards. I'll sing Christmas carols and play Christmas music in my car. ...And I'll put up Christmas posts.

What are they gonna do - censor my blog?


Friday, November 23, 2007

Black Friday: Black List

Today was the day after Thanksgiving. It has become known in the retail world as Black Friday. As a consumer however, I think it should be called Red Friday. The retailers want you to have your checkbooks, cash and/or credit cards ready to buy their sales specials now, even though you can buy them on the 15th of December at half the sales price. Don't you just love the magic of Free Enterprise?

(The following is a retread from my archives of last year under the title of "Santa's Got a Brand New Bag.")

Public Service Announcement:

Yes, Santa's got a brand new bag! What new hot toys are on the kiddies' wish lists for the 2007 edition of Christmas?

Always ready to provide consumers with comprehensive reports on consumer products, I have put together this preview of the most-wanted toys on the market. These were also the hottest toys of 2006.

Remember the ruckus when the new Sony Play Station hit the stores? Be prepared to go to war when you hit the stores for these items!

Clue, the popular murder solving game has been updated at long last. Gone are the silly suspects of the past, replaced with more life-like characters.

Lawn Dart Tag offers a cleaner alternative to the popular paint ball craze. The handy first-aid kit included will teach the kiddies how to apply battle dressing.

Mary Kate's Binge 'n' Purge Game, is just the thing for those girls who are beginning to think about their bodies.

What gift for those future junkies, could be more practical than the Easy-Bake Meth Lab? If they are going to try drugs, let them learn the proper way to manufacture them.
Mrs. Beasley has grown up to help teach your children to know when they've had enough. The doll comes complete with a dozen various nips of liquor. My Little Pony Glue Factory is appearing on this list for the second time.
Your little secret agent man will love the new Peepin' Tommy Night-Vision Goggles. Of course he'll have to pry them from daddy, that big secret agent man.
The Playa Doh Bling Factory will allow those rap-loving kids to make their own outrageous jewelry. Bling is the thing!
The Road Kill Raccoon is made especially for the Redneck younguns. Included is a package of lifelike edible gummy maggots.
Bump 'Em Hump 'Em Robots, last year's most popular toy, returns to the list.

Rubik's Pube is an offbeat puzzle from the man who drove us crazy with his cube. Watch your kids and friends alike struggle to solve this beguiling puzzle. Just don't tell them what it actually is.
There you have it folks, this year's list of the hottest toys. Be sure to tell Santa that I sent you.

(This posting is for entertainment purposes only. The author does not condone the use of alcohol or drugs or drastic eating habits.)


Thursday, November 22, 2007

Separating Thanks From Giving

There is so much to be thankful for; where do we begin? Our health? Our families? Much of our good fortunes are, let's face it, taken for granted. Yet, so much of what we give thanks for exists in the form of material things.

I might be thankful for my big-screen TV, but could I survive without it? Of course! With winter coming, I will be thankful for my snow blower. While a snow blower makes snow removal easier, could I live without it? Sure, even if it does save stress and strain on my back.

Rather than ramble on with a list of countless material belongings, perhaps I should take a less myopic view of what is and isn't important. I thought long and hard on this matter as I was committing these words to screen, only to find it to be a challenge. Beyond health and family, important as they are, what else should I be thankful for that is not a worldly possession?

How can I be thankful for peace when there is so much conflict in the world? What right have I to be thankful for the feast upon our Thanksgiving table, when so many in the world are dying of hunger? How can I be so callous and shallow to be thankful for the freedoms I enjoy, when so many in the world are oppressed?

A strange and disconcerting thought has crept into my train of my thought. I don't wish people to be dying in wars. I don't wish people to be starving to death. I don't wish people to suffer under cruel dictatorships. Yet, that troubling thought persists.

In a cruel twist of warped decency, could it be that we are meant to be thankful for all that is wrong on this blue planet we all share? Does suffering exist for no other reason than to humble those who suffer not?

Perhaps we take so much for granted in attempt to shield ourselves from the state of the world. Thus, not only are we thankful for what we have, but also thankful for not having less.

I see now for what I am truly thankful. I'm thankful that there is a God who has given me the foresight to appreciate what I have, the knowledge to recognize what is to be valued, and the heart to realize that there are those less fortunate. On the other hand, I am thankful that He has not freely given me the power or drive to correct the world's inequities. No, that power is to be learned and shared. One cannot act as many, many must act as one.

I am thankful to be able to reason that my material possessions and desires pale in the grand scheme of this existence we know as life. I am thankful that I know that the "me's" and "I's" must become "we."

I am thankful that I have this forum that I might reach out to you, that we might see the day when we all act as one. Then all can truly be thankful.

In a light-hearted way I think this cartoon captures my thoughts. We need to get off our collective derrieres, and instead of dwelling on our personal wants, to concentrate on the needs of others.


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Googled Gobbles

Sometimes written words are not needed. (Especially when you can't think of any.)

...And sometimes they are better left unsaid!


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Talking Turkey

I thought for the post today I would try to talk a little turkey.
...And I don't mean "gobble-gobble."

There's no need to enlarge the cartoon above unless you really want a better view of the woman. The cartoon is in the Turkish language. Following is a translation into English:
WOMAN: "Dear doctor, I'm very embarrassed when I get undressed."
DOCTOR: "If you're embarrassed, let's turn out the lights."
WOMAN: "Where shall I put my undergarments, Mr. Doctor?"
DOCTOR: "If it's not too much trouble, you can put them right on top of mine."
Would you like to be able to talk turkey? Impress your friends with a little Turkish vocabulary and slang!

1) boktan (bawk-tahn) - crappy; shitty; a piece of shit

2) bombok (bawm-bawk) - full of shit

3) çartlamak (jart-lah-mock) - break wind, fart loudly

4) çehenneme git! (jay-hen-im-eh git) - go to hell!

5) frikik (free kick) - a glimpse of a woman's underwear when she is crossing or uncrossing her legs; also a view of an exposed breast

6) göt lalesi (gurt lah-lei-see)- an asshole

7) göotünü yalamak (guur-una yah-lah-mock) - ass kisser; to kiss ass

8) iki ucu boklu dei nek (ick-ee oo-joo bawk-loo day-neck) - a bad situation from which there is no escape; catch-22; fubar; snafu

9) meme (may-may) - breasts; boobs (Remember this one the next time someone tags you for a meme.)

10)yumurta (yoo-mur-tah) - balls; testicles

This turkey has had enough of talking turkey for tonight.


Monday, November 19, 2007


How could something so beautiful and natural
also be the center of so much controversy?

Mothers have been breastfeeding their babies for eons. It is so with all mammalian life, which also includes humans. It is a natural method of nurturing.
Mother's milk, time-tested for millions of years, is the best nutrient for babies because it is nature's perfect food. - Robert S. Mendelsohn
Why then is it that this natural act is maligned by so many? How can a society that is far from prudish, look upon breastfeeding as offensive? We can talk about it, we can write about it, but let a mother perform the act in public and she is looked upon with disdain.
When an actress takes off her clothes onscreen but a nursing mother is told to leave, what message do we send about the roles of women? In some ways we're so committed to the old madonna-whore dichotomy as ever. And the madonna stays at home, feeding the baby behind the blinds, a vestige of those days when for a lady to venture out was a flagrant act of public exposure. - Anna Quindlen
You may wonder why I, obviously a male, am championing the rights of breastfeeding mothers on my blog. In a word, happenstance.
Today I was witness to, and a party to such a reaction of a mother publicly nursing her infant. Before I recuse myself, I'll explain.

The young woman chose to sit on a bench in a supermarket to nurse her baby. The bench, usually reserved for the elderly while waiting for a bus or a cab, is located at the exit doors of the store. Needless to say, it is the scene of a lot of activity and foot traffic.

The moment she began to suckle the baby there was a commotion. I suppose that it comes as no surprise that most of the complaints were lodged by the women. (One gawking man did complain, but it was in response to his wife's slap against the back of his head.) The first to complain was a woman with two kids in tow who claimed that her young kids should not be subjected to public nudity and such vulgar acts.
How idiotic civilization is! Why be given a body if you have to keep it shut up in a case like a rare, rare fiddle. - Katherine Mansfield
Breastfeeding has long been the subject of art, depicted by even the masters. Yet, by some, it cannot be looked upon in life!

I was in the back of the store and learned of a woman "exposing" herself from an older lady passing me in the dairy aisle. I shrugged it off, thinking it was some "project-trash" who wandered into the store in a drunken or stoned condition. It was only when I arrived at the check-out register with a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk did I see the source of the woman's disgust.

I have witnessed many women nursing babies before. Nearly all of them were discretely covered and exposed very little of themselves. This woman, however, was not so discrete. Beneath an open jacket she was wearing a tube top which had been pulled nearly down to her waist and both of her large breasts were exposed.

Now her "infant" appeared to be a three-year-old boy who was holding and shaking one breast like some toy while suckling on the other.

Yes, I think breastfeeding is a beautiful natural thing - normally! I have nothing against a woman nursing a baby in public - normally! I'm sorry, but this scene wasn't natural or beautiful, and it wasn't normal. I tried to avert my eyes, but it was hard to do.
There must be reasons why we men are so hipped on breasts as if we'd all been weaned too soon. - Gunter Grass
My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard. - David Allen
So it came as no surprise to me when a young man, probably in his twenties, stopped in front of her and said, "You have one free, mind if I help myself?" She simply grinned and shaking her head made no move to cover herself.

I was leaving the store behind him. While I was at the register I had been silently formulating something to say if needed or if I worked up the nerve. No, I wasn't planning to say anything chauvinistic or off-color. I was just trying to have something clever to say in case she said anything when I passed. (I had already made up my mind that I wasn't going to turn my head. Hell, if she wanted to flaunt them, I was going to look at them. If that makes me a chauvinist - so be it!)

Sure enough she cupped her breast with her hand, looked me in the eyes and said, "I suppose you want some too?"

The rehearsal at the register had paid off. I shook my head, held up the gallon of milk and said, "No thanks. I prefer mine bottled and pasteurized."

I heard her sarcastic reply, "Haha! Cute."

This cartoon reminds me of when my wife was pregnant with our daughter. She chose not to breastfeed, but before the birth she was lactating.

Yep, I held a cup of coffee in front of her and jokingly asked her to "lighten" my coffee.

I can hear you saying, "Haha! Cute." (She did.)